Justine – ok, when was the last time your boss came over for coffee on the weekend? Went grocery shopping for you? Tucked you in when you were sick?
It's a JOB. I know to the ethical hardworking side of all of us feels that we need to do our best. We do, but not at the expense of ourselves. You need to learn that sometimes giving 80% IS your best. There are many times when I know that I am capable of doing something better. I’m capable of having an immaculate house, of having a perfect body, of doing 100% error free work. But at what cost? I spent many many years trying to be perfect. And you know what? I was. I was 121 pounds at 33, I had a fabulous job – that I worked until 11pm for – and I had great clothes, cash in the bank, a cute place. And no life. I had friends whose calls I was too busy to return and weekends I’d fall asleep on Saturday b/c I was so exhausted. I’d miss my nephews games, I’d be a beyatch to my mom when she called, I never took my niece shopping. I looked down to tie my proverbial shoe and 4 years later I looked up and my friends had moved on. They had houses, kids, taken trips. Oh sure, I was super smug because I was 100% debt free and living this “perfect” disciplined life. No black olives ever past my lips, I didn’t smoke, I was the “golden girl” at work. I socialized but even whilst having fun I was checking email, carrying my blackberry. I did PERFECT work. And you know what doing perfect work gets you?? No help, and more work. Finally I looked at my life, my boss, my relationships and said “So, now that I’m perfect – what has it gotten me?” Everyone counts on me, everyone adores me and yet whenever I asked to be LESS perfect, whenever I said “Hey, can we NOT do this? Or Hey can I take a pass on that” folks were UP IN ARMS. It was awful. I wanted so badly to not have all this crazy work but I needed all the reinforcement of being “perfect”. So I spent ANOTHER year fighting myself and everyone else. I gained 12 pounds in rebellion, I took a leave of absence, I fired some crap friends and found a therapist/life coach. I was in tears in her office wailing “Why can’t I do this right?? Why can’t I just go along to get along? And why – when I used to be so perfect, and I F*n up so bad! And she looked at me – and smiled and laughed! She said “Well, the reason you can’t rebel gracefully is because you’ve never done it before. It takes practice. You feel like your flailing but it’s only because this is the first time you’ve stood up for yourself” and she was right. So ungainly as it’s been, and as foolish as I have been, I’m practicing being less perfect. I’m practicing “letting go” and it’s so FREAKIN HARD!
All the work you are doing, all the self punishment is about wanting to be perfect. Or at least not have others find reason to find fault with you. And once you allow yourself to be less then perfect in all aspects of your life, you’ll find things come easier to you. Those "let go, let god" people actually have a point! (Not that it has to be god btw…)
So that all happened now about two years ago. I'm still carrying 9 pounds, my house is messier, I still don't return calls but you know what, I don't agonize about things anymore. I'm not perfect. Q'uell surprise.
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