notes from my kitchen

Things I thought of tonight while in my kitchen and elsewhere in the house:

1. Who boils four eggs? that's just such a weird amount. Like, four. what can you do with four. if you are going to go through all the trouble to boil the water (I'm serious now, it's not the boiling it's keeping the eggs from cracking into the sides) anyway, if you are going to do all that why only make four? Four's like, not enough for anything. It's one egg one day then egg salad and that's it? I don't know. I'm an eat the same thing for four days in a row kind of girl so I tend to just run with a food. Why are hard boiled eggs so much work? Hmm.

2. I have a headache. An honest to god, behind the eyes, not sinus, really sucky headache. I haven't had one of these in a while. It's not caffeine. I think it may be a not enough carbs thing.

3. In an email to Jess I told her about my while-she-was-away yardsale kitchen. Completely forgetting that she bought (for free on giftcards etc) a real, honest to goodness, nice actual play kitchen.
I didnt have time to email her back. Jess - if you are reading this I forget to mention that I don't think I even wanted a kitchen. You'd think I would have mentioned it, right? In the 20 or so times we've yardsaled and I have never EVER expressed an interest then you get one, and I get one. It wasn't like that, I swear. I wanted her to have something with doors that she could open so she'd leave the f*cking cabinets alone. I could have bought her a tool bench or a coffin really. phew. That was bugging me. No one wants a repeat of the wagon incident.

4. 20 points on weight watchers per day is not enough. I don't have the patience to look up zero point foods. So I eat to 20 and stop eating. See headache, above.

5. Activity points are bullshit. I walked 4 miles today pushing 2 toddlers totaling 60 combined pounds with a yardsale jog stroller (front wheels locks, isn't broken thank you very much for $20...)but still I had to manhandle it to turn...and I earned 3 points? F*ck you WW. You suck. (See actual size toddlers below)








6. Why does my husband always walk in the SECOND I fart. Yes, we both know I'm lactose intolerant. I ate Hamburger Helper Lasagna flavor - so it has a pseudo cheesesauce and i forgot Lactaid. It happens. He's downstairs. I'm up. The tv is on. He's NOWHERE near coming to bed. So I discretely boom. And BAM. He's behind me. The man must think I'm a pig. Honestly. I'm not a big "farter" either. Sigh.

7. My niece is going to pee the bed. I know it. Not her fault, shes a sound sleeper after a long day, a shower and a late supper. I'm just saying, I know its going to happen.

8. I love my husband. Honestly. He watched 3 episodes of wonder pets, including the puzzles and Moose A Moose's "I call Zee my friend" snippet and didn't look aggravated or bored.

9. I also love my mother in law. Who didn't even flinch when I told her I spent at least 4 minutes this weekend puzzling just what job I could take if I ever left Doug and had to support Ellie on my own. (See note 10 for causal relation)

10. People who roll their eyes should be smacked upside the head.

11. The first real lie I told Doug in our relationship was about the playcube we "free"d from the side of the road in Medford. I told him Sue's neighbor was giving it away for free, and that it was too small for Sue's yard and Jess told me to take it - or she would. The fact is Sue's neighbor WAS giving it away for Free, just not to Sue. She left it on the curb. And I'm not sure Sue even knows the neighbor, they just live on the same street. Further still it stank to high heaven like feral cat pee which I said was Raid. So that'll teach me. I scrubbed it for over 45 minutes, each panel, with softscrub and it reeked still. Finally I found a recipe online that worked...for the most part. 16oz hydrogen peroxide, 1 TBSP of baking soda and 1 tsp of dish soap. Spray liberally. Air dry.

12. I'm really really interested in the whole "poo free" thing. But I swore I wasn't going to mention it to anyone. Then I said something to both Doug and Barbara. Doug laughed. Barbara laughed harder. I'm not deterred. Embarrassed. But not deterred.

13. I'm not super interested in pursuing the neighborhood playgroup program D is creating. I never thought I was. I liked the idea, I like it less now. But Jess and Barbara will be there and I know will help so maybe I'll feel better about it. It's not about "me" but since I'm the performer, well, it IS actually about me. I thought it was fun until I realized I need to deliver someone elses materials in a manner consistent with the way she feels it should be delivered. How very NOT fun. Doug thinks I should tell her to F* off. In a nice way. That she's being a control freak. I think time will take care of it. I don't truly need to point out that the emperess's cloths mightn't be exactly what she thought.

14. Speaking of delivery... it's farcical to say that I'm not going to be judged. Of course I am. That's the first thing we all do. We go to something and we come back and discuss how it was, whether we liked it or not, whether the librarian was good, the instructor was nice. And the girls that signed up...well, based on the comments I've heard from them already, well, let's just say I'm not getting a positive people vibe.

15. Ellie got her first haircut. she looked gorgeous. Like a baby Mia Farrow. I -HEART- the baby Ellie. So cute.

On principle alone...

I refuse to leave messages on any phone that has a child recording as the outgoing greeting. Must I be subjected to your child's screaming histrionic voice and a 15 second pause with audible breathing? Eww. Stop it already. Go have a second or third child and get a grownup to record your message.

"...when, and IF this pregnancy ends ok, there are some people who shouldn't bother coming to visit...."

Still cleaning out email. I found this one from when I was on bedrest. Basically it was me explaining to a friend that I was pretty ticked at a few folks, and how, IF the baby survived, they weren't to bother with visiting...
"I read a great line in a fiction book the other day. It was about a woman whose husband had died 8 months earlier, and she was at a function that they had attended yearly. Another woman approaches her and starts going on about how sorry she was that she never called, connected, she was sorry about the other woman’s loss etc – and finally the widow looks at her and says “Well, you should be sorry. You live less then 20 minutes away. And don’t approach me now and ruin my good time because you feel guilty. This time has made me evaluate my friendships and I don’t have room in my life for people like you."

I have to say. Over a year plus later I STILL really appreciate that sentiment. Not even about Ellie but about people who approach you after the fact to apologize for something, to tell you something, whatever - when you are just like "Hey, don't interfere with MY day just to get something off your chest. Now's not the time."
anyway, good lesson for anyone. Note to self.

Yep. Not like as in "I'm a clown, I amuse you" but generally I'm funnyish

I haven't blogged b/c my system got destroyed. But I have like 20 in my head. So I'm trying to bang them all out.

As part of the system crash, when we reconfigured my computer, it pulled a years woth of emails off the verizon server and dumped them into my inbox. I'm in process of deleting.

But I saw this one in there, and, finding myself uber clever, decided to save it here...

Sent: Wednesday, January 30, 2008 12:36 PM
Subject: One of those silly chain mails...A little procrastination for you

Welcome to the 2008 edition of getting to know your friends. Okay, here's what you're supposed to do, and try not to be lame and spoil the fun! Copy this entire email and paste into a new email that you can send, change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person that sent it to you. Some of you may get this several times (that means you have lots of friends).

1. What is your occupation? Ohhh, I get to say either homemaker or unemployed. Decisions, decisions.
2. What color are your socks right now? barefoot. Quite cold actually.
3. What are you listening to right now? The hum of Dougs antiquated overloaded PC
4. What was the last thing that you ate? 1 oz of granola. It sucked. And it cost me two Weight Watchers points. Argh.
5. Can you drive a stick shift? To a hospital with imminent danger at hand, probably. Otherwise, no
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Something dark and blue with hues and undertones
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Does exchanging vmail messages count? My brother Tony last night after 10:30 pm. Childless people never look at the clock before dialing.
8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? I do in fact.
9. How old are you today? Celebrating my 33rd for the 6th time thank you.
10. Favorite drink? Lately a beer with dinner but never soda. Pink Lemonade is always fun.
11. What is your favorite sport to watch? Band and dance/cheer competitions.
12. Have you ever dyed your hair? That reminds me, I need to call now.
13. Pets? Just dust bunnies
14. Favorite food? vanilla frosting, mac and cheese and tomato basil & mozzarella salad. Not together.
15. Last movie you watched? Clueless.
16. Favorite Day of the year? My husbands birthday.
17. What do you do to vent anger? B*tch, b*tch, b*tch
18. What was your favorite toy as a child? My stuffed dog who shall go unnamed as he is also the answer to my ebay password question
19. What is your favorite season ? Fall
20. Hugs or kisses? Hugs. Then kisses. But hugs.
21. Cherry or Blueberry? Cherry in theory, blueberry more often in application
22. Do you want your friends to email you back? Yes... but they are Too Busy
23. Who is most likely to respond? Maybe my sister
24. Who is least likely to respond? Kim my SIL and Ari but both like to read them so I ccd each anyway
25. What happened to Ricky Martin? Ricky Who? I believe he was emulated widely by a host of gay men then faded to a VH1 footnote. But after carefully reading Shawn's answers... He came out with a cd this last fall.
26. When was the last time you cried? Last week when Ellie was in the hospital and I wanted to slap the Very Rude Ignorant and Dismissive Nurse.
27. What is on the floor of your closet? Shoe racks
28. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? Sigh, I hate "friend" questions
29. Who is the friend you have had the shortest that you are sending this to? Same same
31. Who inspires you? Lots of people, strangers mostly who are open and forthright.
32. What are you afraid of? Losing someone in a car accident. Airplanes. Dying feeble and alone. You know, the usual.
33. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? Eww. Hamburgers. Not. Ever.
34. Favorite car? Mine. It has all my stuff in it.
35. Favorite cat breed? Shorthairs.
36. Number of keys on your key ring? Hmm. Well,. Ellie's crying so whilst I check her, I'll count the keys. ...I'm back. I forgot to check but i did make some soup. I'll say 4 because really, how are you ever going to know?
37. How many years at your current job? 16 months
38. Favorite day of the week? Friday, then Sunday
39. How many states have you lived in? Please, I'm a Massachusetts native. Just the one.
40. Do you think you're funny? Yep. Not like as in "I'm a clown, I amuse you" but generally I'm funnyish

The hum of the fan...or something else

"I got invited to the same party" my sister said to me.
"Oh you did?" I asked.
"Yeh. I'm not going though. For one it's a couples thing. And there's no one I'd be comfortable going with."
this from a woman who shares her home WITH a man. Just not The Man.
"So it's for couples?" I said "That's kind of weird. Like you can only go if you are a couple?" How rude, I'm thinking.

My sister clarifies "No, it's like...it was an evite. And the invitation went out saying people were to come in pairs and they'd be sure to have a good time."

Holy SHIT. I'm thinking. Oh my god, it's a key party. In this day and age. Here. In our lives. I'm now remembering the time I was 33 when THREE separate couples asked if I wanted to join them sometime. THREE. Robert and his wife. Arianne and two different boyfriends of hers, and Dave and Michelle. So I guess that's four couples. And as I said then, and I'll say now, in practical application, I just don't see me going down on a woman. Eww. But true. There. I said it. Melissa Etheridge notwithstanding and the bicurious era behind me, it just ain't gonna happen. But WOW. A key party.

My sister ruthlessly amends my thinking.
"It's a toy party."
"Oh" I say.

But still....

Later last night, in bed, lights off, after the murmured one sentence discussions "Ellie's got diaper rash" "Don't forget to bring the dentist bill to work" "Are we going to the beach" ... pillows fluffed, rolled over, relaxed...I'm about to drift off to sleep.

Into the dark. Out of the blue, he says...
"It's like, one step away from..."
"Swinging. I know" I finished the sentence. Then shuddered.
"I'm just not that open" he said. Meaning about the toys. I was already clear we weren't talking about swinging.
"Yeh. I'm not either. I can't picture sitting with a group of people with some woman going on about butterfly clips and massage oil." I shudder again. "It's just....raunchy"
Doug gives me a hug the a kiss.
"I think it's funny, given our histories, and mores, that we both are so uptight about these things."
And in my head I'm like "Yeah, really."

Which reminded me...

I went to a toy party actually. About four years ago. The woman gave us a sketch pad with a half nude, unfinished image and a pencil. The instructions were to complete our perfect man.

I drew boxer shorts and a wedding band.

Then I called my sister from the car on the way home to tell her I won the door prize.

"Um. There's a vibrator in my pocketbook. If I get in an accident, can you just make sure people know I won it and I don't carry around a vibrator."
"Sure" she cheerily replied. "Anything in the house I need to get rid of?"
"Nope, just my pocketbook."

The phone is for my convenience

I hate people who call you to tell you they called you.
Honestly.
I don’t know if it’s an age thing, an insecurity thing. I don’t know what it is.

I just want to say “Assume I got it”. Honestly. I mean, if you are just calling to say “Hi” and your message says as much, am I obligated to call you back? And if so, by when? This assumes I talk to you every day, mind you. Clearly, if I havet talked to you in a while and you call and say “Hey, just checkin’ in, wanted to say “Hi” then common courtesy and protocol dictate that I call you back. But to call someone Thursday, and have your message be a snippy huffy “Well, I called you YESTERDAY and you never got back to me”…Argh. It sends me. Truly. I just want to say, I’m aware of the fact that you called yesterday. You dialed both phones, left a message and I saw it on the caller ID log. Also, your message was simply “Hi”. If you required a return call, you might have mentioned it. Further, if you had anything of substance to say, beyond the usual 8 minutes of insubstantial “How are you” bullshit (assume Im the same as yesterday, thank you), I might have been more inclined to returmn your call.

With acridity.
A word I don’t use often.

But you called just to say ‘Hi.”
Well “Hi. “

Consider the message relayed.

Wife. Quietly reading online.
Husband, enters room, stage left, crosses to wife.

Husband: Similac is redesigning their lids for Costco.
Wife: Oh?
Husband: Yeah, there putting the scoop in the lid and attaching it so it doesn't fall off.
Wife: So, does that make you want to have another baby?
Husband: Well...I WAS wondering if you would...