I do believe that being the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, The Great Pumpkin is a job. An appointment if you will. Complete with terms. The major deities, like Santa, are permanent and immortal, but fairies? Totally a elective (vs elected) office. One day you are flitting around Fairy-ville, the next your grand Poobah fairy comes to you and says "Sally, do I have a job for you..."
How do I know this?
Because recently The Binky Fairy changed office. I'm not saying we've met or anything but I can tell it's not the same fairy.
The last one came and was soft and meek. She talked about trading in one binky for another item. Saving up binkies and sending them to babies afar, hanging binkies on a tree, mailing binkies through the mail, trading binkies because we were grown up and instead having the Baby Fairy come and deliver babies in lieu of binkies.
She was, in a word, a very Enabling fairy.
Then yesterday I realized there was a new, COMPLETELY different, fairy.
Some time between wakeup and bedtime, she came.
And she was Not Taking Any Shit.
The binkies are gone.
Not gently into the night.
Not softy, on wings of a dove.
Those fuckers are Gone.
Gone, Baby, Gone.
Gone as in ruthless.
With zero warning, with zero discussion.
She came and thought "This child is too damn big for a binky."
And she threw those binkies away.
That's one mean fairy.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
bedtime
It's not that we fought all day, because we don't.
It's not babies in the house because we make it about her.
It's not the return to preschool, she's been there before.
It's not anger, displacement, jealousy.
It's three.
he's a love but she's three.
Which means she loves me most of the time but loves getting her own way more.
And the days are tough. And long. And I swaear I'm going to try harder tomorrow and within minutes orf her waking I snap at her. About whining. About clothes. To hurry hurry hurry for breakfast.
Tonight I put her to bed. Seven weeks postpartum, no sleep, two dr visits, gymnastics, preschool and laundry today and he's at a red sox game thank you very much. i'm too tired to read books and i know I have 5 minutes max because it's nigh on 8pm and the urchins are stirring.
We are laying together looking into each others faces.
"How was school today?" I asked.
"It was ok" she said. "I played with Bea"
"How about Sophia" I probed.
"No" she said almostin tears "Sophia was playing with other kids, I don't think she wants to play with me."
"That happens honey" I said. All the while thinking her preschool is too small, the surroundings too itimate, it's time to miove her, is she being left out by the bigger kids ergo the clique from Winchester... Wondering "am I that mother that hovers followed by did I make a mistake?'
"How was gymnastics?"
"Good." she said "But next time you need to help me. You need to stay and help me because I can't do what the other girls do." she pauses "Julia...and the other one"
"Hailey" I supplied.
"Julia and Hailey."
" I can't go in" I told her. "But I watched through the window.
"No you didn't." She pouted
"But I did. I saw you. You had your hands on the pencil beam and you jumped from side to side."
She looked thoughtful.
"Mommy. What was that teacher's name. The man..."
"Michael" I said.
"No. His name is Caoch. He's not a teachere's Coach Michael but we can call him Mike. He has the same name as Michael."
me: 'Yes, Mike and Michael are the same name."
Her: "No, Mommy, you need to listen, not talk. I'm talking now. I mean Michael. Down the street. His name is Michael like Kari's Michael"
Aha! "That's right" I said. "His name is like Kari's son." I start to gear up for a "teachable moment" about names and nicnames.
"But he doesn't go by Mike." she stated.
I interrupt "Exactly. Like you have 2 names, Ellie and Eleanor"
"Mommy." She's truly exasperated. "You need to NOT talk. You are talking about different things then me. I want to talk about Ellie things."
Me: "Oh, ok. I'm sorry. Go ahead."
And she rolled over.
"I like doggies.
And lollypops.
And books." long pause"
"And playdates. And ring-around the rosy with friends, and I like playing with my Arthur. "
and I thought she was done.
"And I like all the mommies in the world. But I like you best. Did you know any other Ellie's Mommy?"
'i did honey but you're my favorite Ellie.."
She snuggled back into me.
"Of all the Ellies in the world, how did you pick me?"
And I thought about all the times I prayed, in all my life, for God to somehow see me, and that I had this love to give. And how I prayed for his will, that somehow I would be someone's mother, somebodies wife. All this flashed through my mind and i said outloud. "I asked the baby fairy."
"What did you ask her" she questioned.
"I asked her to find me the very best little girl in the whole world. And she did. And then she brought me you."
"oh. Oh. Ok momma."
And them she fell asleep
and I snuchk out of the room.
And there are a million more things to do.
And miles to go before I sleep.
But maybe, just maybe, I don't totally suck today.
It's not babies in the house because we make it about her.
It's not the return to preschool, she's been there before.
It's not anger, displacement, jealousy.
It's three.
he's a love but she's three.
Which means she loves me most of the time but loves getting her own way more.
And the days are tough. And long. And I swaear I'm going to try harder tomorrow and within minutes orf her waking I snap at her. About whining. About clothes. To hurry hurry hurry for breakfast.
Tonight I put her to bed. Seven weeks postpartum, no sleep, two dr visits, gymnastics, preschool and laundry today and he's at a red sox game thank you very much. i'm too tired to read books and i know I have 5 minutes max because it's nigh on 8pm and the urchins are stirring.
We are laying together looking into each others faces.
"How was school today?" I asked.
"It was ok" she said. "I played with Bea"
"How about Sophia" I probed.
"No" she said almostin tears "Sophia was playing with other kids, I don't think she wants to play with me."
"That happens honey" I said. All the while thinking her preschool is too small, the surroundings too itimate, it's time to miove her, is she being left out by the bigger kids ergo the clique from Winchester... Wondering "am I that mother that hovers followed by did I make a mistake?'
"How was gymnastics?"
"Good." she said "But next time you need to help me. You need to stay and help me because I can't do what the other girls do." she pauses "Julia...and the other one"
"Hailey" I supplied.
"Julia and Hailey."
" I can't go in" I told her. "But I watched through the window.
"No you didn't." She pouted
"But I did. I saw you. You had your hands on the pencil beam and you jumped from side to side."
She looked thoughtful.
"Mommy. What was that teacher's name. The man..."
"Michael" I said.
"No. His name is Caoch. He's not a teachere's Coach Michael but we can call him Mike. He has the same name as Michael."
me: 'Yes, Mike and Michael are the same name."
Her: "No, Mommy, you need to listen, not talk. I'm talking now. I mean Michael. Down the street. His name is Michael like Kari's Michael"
Aha! "That's right" I said. "His name is like Kari's son." I start to gear up for a "teachable moment" about names and nicnames.
"But he doesn't go by Mike." she stated.
I interrupt "Exactly. Like you have 2 names, Ellie and Eleanor"
"Mommy." She's truly exasperated. "You need to NOT talk. You are talking about different things then me. I want to talk about Ellie things."
Me: "Oh, ok. I'm sorry. Go ahead."
And she rolled over.
"I like doggies.
And lollypops.
And books." long pause"
"And playdates. And ring-around the rosy with friends, and I like playing with my Arthur. "
and I thought she was done.
"And I like all the mommies in the world. But I like you best. Did you know any other Ellie's Mommy?"
'i did honey but you're my favorite Ellie.."
She snuggled back into me.
"Of all the Ellies in the world, how did you pick me?"
And I thought about all the times I prayed, in all my life, for God to somehow see me, and that I had this love to give. And how I prayed for his will, that somehow I would be someone's mother, somebodies wife. All this flashed through my mind and i said outloud. "I asked the baby fairy."
"What did you ask her" she questioned.
"I asked her to find me the very best little girl in the whole world. And she did. And then she brought me you."
"oh. Oh. Ok momma."
And them she fell asleep
and I snuchk out of the room.
And there are a million more things to do.
And miles to go before I sleep.
But maybe, just maybe, I don't totally suck today.
If I Told You Once, I Told You A Thousand Times
She whacked her head on the coffee table.
Hard.
At first I thought she broke her nose, then I realized she split open an eyelash size gash on the forehead.
I didn't blink. I didn't express dismay, I didn't comment, panic, startle or otherwise.
CRACK went her head.
"I told you not to jump off the couch" went through my head.
Followed by "I've already been to the hospital once today and at the doctors 5 hours later, I am not going to the ER." All that followed by "It serves you right."
Outloud I said "Do you want peas, ice or the cow ice pack for boo boos."
She asked for the clover shaped reusable icecubes I put in her lunch bag.
And so she sits. Blue shamrock to forehead.
Livingroom looking like the wrath of god.
And me without a single tube of neosporin.
And all I can think of is that if she goes to bed within the next 5 minutes MAYBE I can peapod a grocery order.
Ah bliss.
Hard.
At first I thought she broke her nose, then I realized she split open an eyelash size gash on the forehead.
I didn't blink. I didn't express dismay, I didn't comment, panic, startle or otherwise.
CRACK went her head.
"I told you not to jump off the couch" went through my head.
Followed by "I've already been to the hospital once today and at the doctors 5 hours later, I am not going to the ER." All that followed by "It serves you right."
Outloud I said "Do you want peas, ice or the cow ice pack for boo boos."
She asked for the clover shaped reusable icecubes I put in her lunch bag.
And so she sits. Blue shamrock to forehead.
Livingroom looking like the wrath of god.
And me without a single tube of neosporin.
And all I can think of is that if she goes to bed within the next 5 minutes MAYBE I can peapod a grocery order.
Ah bliss.
six degrees of seperation
I hate when people hear you had an early birth and say any variation of the following: "oh, 34 weeks? They were FINE then." "34 weeks? Oh so they weren't really premature" etc etc. Or my personal favorite "Oh, my son was born at 36 weeks..." as if that's somehow the same. Because in the real world, if your vacation is two weeks after mine, we are practically traveling together. In terms of a birth? 2 weeks is 5% of their growing time.
Who cares, right?
Exactly.
So why say it?
As with Ellie I never say "preemie" I say "born early". I reserve preemie for the micro babies. 10 weeks early. 26 weeks, 30 weeks. But having said that, let me say this. 34 weeks is in fact the minimum. It's what you want to get to but it's not always cause for celebration. I'm lucky. Fortunate actually moreso then lucky. My two are great. But really, the next time someone says how 34 weeks is nothing, I'm going to say "You know, I just don't get that. If your husband had a massive heart attack, I certainly wouldn't say "Oh a heart attack? People have those all the time. He'll be fine. have you tried Lipitor?'"
Honest to christ people, if it hasn't happened to you - shut the fuck up. Seriously.
Who cares, right?
Exactly.
So why say it?
As with Ellie I never say "preemie" I say "born early". I reserve preemie for the micro babies. 10 weeks early. 26 weeks, 30 weeks. But having said that, let me say this. 34 weeks is in fact the minimum. It's what you want to get to but it's not always cause for celebration. I'm lucky. Fortunate actually moreso then lucky. My two are great. But really, the next time someone says how 34 weeks is nothing, I'm going to say "You know, I just don't get that. If your husband had a massive heart attack, I certainly wouldn't say "Oh a heart attack? People have those all the time. He'll be fine. have you tried Lipitor?'"
Honest to christ people, if it hasn't happened to you - shut the fuck up. Seriously.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
It's the thought that counts...
My mother and stepmother continue to buy for my children. I've asked them to stop, to limit it, to be aware of the size of my house. I've asked them to let their friends know. I blog. I discuss. I've asked friends not to buy for them. My house is 900 square feet. 5 of us live here.
If I were a vegetarian, you wouldn't bring me steak.
I've begged, pleaded, fired off angry emails, sad emails, I've called, discussed, written notes.
I know you think it's just a small teddy bear, I know an educational book, a placemat, a coloring book seems innocuous.
But it isn't.
Because I asked you not to and you did anyway.
Maybe these things have value, maybe not.
Maybe my kids would LOVE them. Maybe I'm an ungrateful cooze.
Regardless, I look at them and am angry.
So out they go.
Im no longer returning things. I'm throwing them in a bag and donating them.
I can't deal with it.
So fyi. But thank you for the gift.
If I were a vegetarian, you wouldn't bring me steak.
I've begged, pleaded, fired off angry emails, sad emails, I've called, discussed, written notes.
I know you think it's just a small teddy bear, I know an educational book, a placemat, a coloring book seems innocuous.
But it isn't.
Because I asked you not to and you did anyway.
Maybe these things have value, maybe not.
Maybe my kids would LOVE them. Maybe I'm an ungrateful cooze.
Regardless, I look at them and am angry.
So out they go.
Im no longer returning things. I'm throwing them in a bag and donating them.
I can't deal with it.
So fyi. But thank you for the gift.
Friday, September 17, 2010
I Aint Sayin She's A Golddigger
I'm done paying people to care for my children. Whatever I need to get done, be it the dentist, the gyn, my eyebrows... it can wait. I can rebook. I'm crazy for paying people $10, $20, $30 so I can run mundane errands. Like grocery shopping, drycleaning. To be honest, I can get peapod delivered for the same cumulative $30 extra and not have to deal with scheduling. I have Ellie in school - which we pay for - and then I pay a second person because I need to get out? Get away? Theorectically fine. But it's not like I'm getting a pedicaure - shopping - even buying clothes for the kids. I'm running around like a donkey doing $5 errands, like Target returns, and paying $10 to get them done.
%^&* it.
From this point on, no groceries? Then takeout it is.
Bushy brows, meh, I'll go on a Saturday.
Doctors not available for a 6 week checkup post partum? I'll skip it then.
It's not like my uterus is going to fall out.
%^&* it.
From this point on, no groceries? Then takeout it is.
Bushy brows, meh, I'll go on a Saturday.
Doctors not available for a 6 week checkup post partum? I'll skip it then.
It's not like my uterus is going to fall out.
Knowing Me, Knowing You subtitled A Two Question Quiz
1. I see a man biking somewhere without the Lance Armstrong skintight clothes. Do I think "fitness enthusiast" or "DWI"?
2. Cell phone. For my convenience or yours?
2. Cell phone. For my convenience or yours?
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Lawsy Me
Massachusetts just passed a law regarding distracted driving. Texting, handsfree and the like.
I think they should just ban children from the car entirely.
I think they should just ban children from the car entirely.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
TMI, Fertility & Moi!
WOW! I have some exciting news diary, it is SUCH a big deal. No, not the babies. That’s old news. You are NOT going to believe this diary. I am so so excited! Just 38 days after their births …I…got…my…period! I know diary, isn’t that sooooooo exciting. I can’t believe how lucky I am. I wish I had a pen with a pom pom at the end and the ability to dot my I’s with hearts. This is The Best News ever. I’m soooooooo lucky! I just want to bleed 4-eva! Thank god I have all those pads left over from the hospital. Yeah….!
Sew good
2 have
my "."
4-Eva!
People wonder if the twins were natural. Yes. Yes they were. I drop eggs like the Easter Bunny....
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Some Random Disconnected Sh*t I'm Thinking About...
For two seconds I though James J Lee had a good point. Over population, save the planet, etc. Then I actually READ some of his ...manifesto?... and I have to say. I got a little nervous about my blog. You know, given the addition of my two filthy breeder begotten spawn.
***************
I don't think obsetity is a disease. Nor alcoholism. I think food and alcohol are addictions though. Having said that, I hate when people post on FB what they ate for dinner. Yum or not yum. Not if they go out to a restaurant but just, you know, in general. "Veal piccata tonight!" or "Lamb on the Barbie" My issue? Usually, they are fat. I'm not a fat hater, I just think it's asking for judgment.
***************
I don't think obsetity is a disease. Nor alcoholism. I think food and alcohol are addictions though. Having said that, I hate when people post on FB what they ate for dinner. Yum or not yum. Not if they go out to a restaurant but just, you know, in general. "Veal piccata tonight!" or "Lamb on the Barbie" My issue? Usually, they are fat. I'm not a fat hater, I just think it's asking for judgment.
Jacob Have I Loved...
Cain & Abel, Jacob and Esau. The bible is not very kind to twins.
I abhor my child's name. At first I worried that I wasn't bonding with him. That perhaps I didn't love him the same. That I was playing favorites, choosing sides. I just didn't feel any surge of... affection... when I said his name. No feeling of homecoming. Just blank. And angry. And finally, I guess weeks ago but given his very short time on the planet, it must have been soon after his birth, I realized. I don't hate HIM at all. I simply hate his name. Phew.
We named him under duress. The militant Asian woman from last time, demanding a signature, demanding a name. My husband grabbed the last two we discussed, one I had chosen as my son's "inside" name but not one I expected him to bear outside. He filled out the documents while I was in a morphine induced haze, then had my sign them shakily while under sedation. And now I hate the name. I.HATE.THE.NAME. And I mean really. And everyone keeps saying to keep it. It's too late, it's what I named him, it's on his social security card, it's confusing, and day after day I really REALLY fucking hate the name. And the more time that passes, the less affectionately I view my son. I mean, not inapplication , but in gentle words Because I simply cannot call him by his name. I resent being forced into a name I hate. I FUCKING HATE. I talked to Doug, I asked him if he would be willing to switch the name and he said no. So now I'm thinking about refusing to hold him at night. During the day that little sweet baggage will be held, swaddled cuddled and rocked till the cow, ok, bull, dare I say Stud comes home. But because my husband refuses to take my point (ie You named him without me while I was still under the influence of drugs... and then I was coerced into naming him a name neither of us liked but you thought i loved...) Meh. I can't explain. It just feels...symptomatic of our relationship. If I say something bothers me, my husband negates it over and over until we have a huge blowout fight - because it's only then that he sees that it bothers me.
So maybe if I refuse to hold my son for once my husband will LISTEN to me?
That's just fucked up.
To be honest though, I feel like my husband should understand that using a name I hate is coming between us.
All of us.
I abhor my child's name. At first I worried that I wasn't bonding with him. That perhaps I didn't love him the same. That I was playing favorites, choosing sides. I just didn't feel any surge of... affection... when I said his name. No feeling of homecoming. Just blank. And angry. And finally, I guess weeks ago but given his very short time on the planet, it must have been soon after his birth, I realized. I don't hate HIM at all. I simply hate his name. Phew.
We named him under duress. The militant Asian woman from last time, demanding a signature, demanding a name. My husband grabbed the last two we discussed, one I had chosen as my son's "inside" name but not one I expected him to bear outside. He filled out the documents while I was in a morphine induced haze, then had my sign them shakily while under sedation. And now I hate the name. I.HATE.THE.NAME. And I mean really. And everyone keeps saying to keep it. It's too late, it's what I named him, it's on his social security card, it's confusing, and day after day I really REALLY fucking hate the name. And the more time that passes, the less affectionately I view my son. I mean, not inapplication , but in gentle words Because I simply cannot call him by his name. I resent being forced into a name I hate. I FUCKING HATE. I talked to Doug, I asked him if he would be willing to switch the name and he said no. So now I'm thinking about refusing to hold him at night. During the day that little sweet baggage will be held, swaddled cuddled and rocked till the cow, ok, bull, dare I say Stud comes home. But because my husband refuses to take my point (ie You named him without me while I was still under the influence of drugs... and then I was coerced into naming him a name neither of us liked but you thought i loved...) Meh. I can't explain. It just feels...symptomatic of our relationship. If I say something bothers me, my husband negates it over and over until we have a huge blowout fight - because it's only then that he sees that it bothers me.
So maybe if I refuse to hold my son for once my husband will LISTEN to me?
That's just fucked up.
To be honest though, I feel like my husband should understand that using a name I hate is coming between us.
All of us.
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