Just Call Me Madam Butterfly

I sent an email Monday to my playgroup. A Good Friend is the moderator.

The gist of the email? My daughter had been exposed to a cold, that I wasn't sure what exact stage she was at, and I wanted to know where other folks stood on it. My tone was light - bantering even - and I left them the option to reply directly to me. Specifically: You don't have to reply to all - just shoot me an email saying "Stay home you big germ" and I'll understand.

Now let me give you a little inside information. I wasn't looking for an out, or an in. The simple facts are these. I was ambivalent. I wasn't really really in the mood to go, it was Monday, I was tired. Had someone balked in the slightest, I would have allowed that to tip the balance for me. By the same token, I knew that more then half the kids weren't going, and I didn't want to bum out the "guest" hostess. Had she replied "Hey, my kids been exposed too, bring yours over" I would have promptly got my ass in gear.

Suffice to say it became a moot point when Ellie opted to play outside versus nap, and I raked and bagged until well past the time when I should have left.

The phone rang as I came in the house.
"So, you didn't go to the playgroup?" Other Good Friend asked.
"No" I replied.
"Oh. Was it because of Good Friend's email...?"
"What email?"
And our mutual friend proceeded to let me know that Good Friend had "put on block" on my coming. "Stay home is what she said" said Other Good Friend "It was kind of, well, odd though" she trailed off.

"Oh great!" I enthused - I guess not getting the point. Yippee, I thought. I was not only off the hook for going but further, it was documented that I was ASKED not to go! How lucky could I get? I sighed contentedly. I thanked Other Good Friend, hung up, logged on, skimmed the email then deleted it. Wheee!!!! And I DON'T have to feel guilty.

Later Good Friend called. Embarrassed and apologetic.
"I hope your not upset" she started...
"With what" I mused...all the while scanning the cabinets for miraculous dinner foods to appear. Where DID I put those peas? Oh look, a jar of red peppers. And pasta. OOOhhh capers!
Good Friend went on "I felt so bad blocking you - I hope you know it wasn't me."
I could tell she felt awful. Devastated even. Stressed.
But, to be honest, I didn't really understand why. I mean, what was the big deal? She was fine. I was fine. We are friends. I get it. Uh huh. Uh huh. Really really no big deal. She wasn't rude or anything. I know her. No troubles.
She continued "You probably noticed it wasn't really my voice, my style.."
I hadn't noticed noticed per se because I had deleted it but I assured her that obviously I knew she had good reason and that I suspected what happened. That someone had asked her to ask me not to come. Or to find out if I was coming so they could not come. Or some other series of mechanations all leading to not exposing one to the other.

She confirmed.
We had a good chuckle. A long chuckle.
"But why in the world didn't people just reply directly to me?" I asked "I mean, after all, I'm the one that sent out the request to know. Makes no sense."
She wondered the same. She didn't have an answer.
So that was that.
I assured her that she did the right thing.
She hung up feeling better.
But still a bit put out.
Not by me but by being put in the middle. Or so I thought...

Flash forward two days. Said friend is sick. We're talking on the phone, she's a little aloof. I'm wondering if it was something I said, something I did.

"I'm sick" she said "I caught it from Ellie." She proceeds to tell me how she may or may not be too sick to go to a party the next day, how some people think it's ok to go to things, but she wouldn't. "But no judgment" she says.

I freeze. Why would I think you had judgment? I thought. That was a weird thing to say.

Unless...

are you JUDGING? Because to say 'no judgment' is usually, like, a beacon that you think judgment might be sitting down to partake in a cuppa. Hmm. Wait. Now I'm wondering. Hmm. You're acting a little cool. You just made it a point to say to me both a. you caught it from Ellie and b. that YOU would never go anywhere if you knew you had been exposed.

And this my friends is where the mind goes haywire.
So now I'm all atwitter.

What's she SAYING to me really. Huh? Does she have a PROBLEM with me? Fine. OK FINE. Maybe I have a problem with you. Yeh yeh. that's it.

She continues on. Talking about germs. Their lifecycles. That's why she always has antibacterial.

Now I'm desperately trying not to be a narcissist. Maybe she doesn't mean me. But she's indirect sometimes. So maybe she DOES mean me. I'm foggy. I'm thinking in all caps and acronyms at this point.

WTF more so then WWJD.

She mentions that the host of the party we are going to is traveling. That it would be unconscionable to get her or her son sick.

Now I'm stumped. IS this for me? She knows I was invited? I think, she might be....hinting. Wait. She mentioned judgment earlier. IS SHE JUDGING ME??

Then the metaphorical glovables came off.
I huffed in my tiny overtired mind.

So she caught it from Ellie. Wow. They must be the most virulent germs EVER given that she saw her only the day before and before THAT it was four days ago... Or, wait, did she mean she caught it THAT morning because Ellie came with me to the Halloween party and she held her there? Or maybe she meant that saw me alone and I'm such a dirty person that I didn't have the courtesy to use antibacterial... Clearly, I, Ellie's mom, am a typhoid whore.

I was confused but not willing to have her specify nor could I really even hear her anymore. I was too busy wondering if there was another point. A subtext. Is she trying to tell me something? Is this about us going to the same place? Not going? Why is she going on about being sick but not exposing people to it? Is she hinting? Conversing? Why is this conversation so weird? She sounds almost....defensive? Is she angry?

Now I've started thinking about the blame game. How everyone is so wrapped up in who got who sick. How usually I don't care. How I'm fairly careful but we all mistakes. And how my friend just led off a conversation by letting me know, not that she "caught what Ellie has" but that she "got it from Ellie".

So, what, she works for the CDC? I'm thinking.

Careful, careful I tell myself. We like this person. Go slowly.
My friend is going on. I'm still stuck.

Or maybe, just maybe, because we see each other so incestuously, we BOTH had the same exposure. Maybe it's like manna from heaven and comes from nowhere. Maybe it was a lunar eclipse. But most of all, maybe she shouldn't be telling me she got it from Ellie with her left hand while her right hand is saying "And I would NEVER bring myself anywhere where I would get someone sick" because, while not judgmental, it sounds really really really, well, offputting. Especially when some mystery person just a scant two days ago obviously didn't have the cajones to call me themselves and ask that I back my worthless disease ridden ass off and now she appears to be backing the self same point.

She finishes with "...even if you think you aren't carrying, you might be."

Now I'll grant you, she's was just expressing herself and her motives were innocent, and likely I was tired BUT...

But given that she DID just send the germogram Monday and now she's on the phone blithely letting me know that she caught it "from Ellie" I was ...how you say...trepidatious.

I didn't give a shit about the email Monday but I sure as hell started to care when I got a fairly cold reception on Wednesday with what sounds like...
is it...
blame?

From someone who assured me I was blameless.
Who seems to have changed her mind.

I hope you feel better, I said. And hung up.

Again, let me remind you that we are both going to the same party.
Well, we were anyway.
Because now I'm not so sure.

I still don't know if Ellie is contagious or just bronchial. Because with her, you just can't tell. No fever. No clue.

So I call the hostess day of.
"Listen, Ellie was exposed to a cold" I start "and I don't want to be indiscreet because we know some of the same people but..."
She interrupts, laughing, and says (a version of) "I know. I heard all about it from Good Friend. People. Really. I can't believe how everyone contacted Good Friend. She totally felt put in the middle."
Then WE both laugh about the absurdity. "For crying out loud, everyone has been exposed to something. My kid's coughing up a storm. Bring her."
"Thank you" I said.

I call Other Good Friend. "I won't see you today. I'm going to the party after all. The hostess was fine with it." pause "She was actually really cool. I guess she had heard about Monday from Good Friend. That everyone had asked Good Friend to handle it."

"Oh not everyone" Other Good Friend rushed to assure me "It was just the two...".

How funny - mental pause - When Good Friend called me, she let me think it was only one person.

Yet she told two other people the story.

What else is being said I wonder? Was there more to this the she told me? Why wouldn't she have told me the whole story not the half? And now I find out she's REALLY upset. Really. Upset enough to tell me, to tell multiple other people. Upset enough to tell people that she felt "put in the middle". Upset enough to, dare I say, blog about it.

So now I'm ALL confused.
Here my friend is IN THE MIDDLE.
And seemingly aggravated.
But with who?
Is it me?

And feeling in the middle. The middle of what? To have a middle there has to be two sides. Am I a side? Is there some bck story, some conversation, some person somewhere that got so upset that I now, unknowingly, represent a stance? Does my Good Friend RESENTS me for "involving" her.

My sending an email asking if other people had been exposed somehow created a tsunami.

I am the wing of a butterfly.

The only good thing to come out of the whole episode is this.
From my very wry mother of three friend.
Who laughs at all of us.

Navigating

I'm thinking tomorrow I'm going to change a few things.

Tomorrow Ellie is, officially, 18 months. So it's a benchmark of sorts, a year and a half, and further, time to reevaluate.

Am I ready to move on? Am I tired of this particular way of participating in my life?

I think so.
I think I'm ready to look at what comes next.

I'm ready to migrate away from the relentless parenting I see some of my peers engaged in. I'm not that interested in perfect parenting. I've dedicated day and night, mind and soul to her first 18 months...and the 9 before. We go out daily. Library, circle time, field trips, gynastics. She's 18 months old and I'm burnt out.
I'm ready to start thinking about a life outside of Ellie. Do I want to cook? Be fit? Be a tennis player? Start working again? I don't know. But I know that I'm ready to be LESS active as a parent and more active in rediscovering myself.

I'm also ready to worry less about relationships. I care about my family and friends. I do what's best for me, for them and often the reverse - for them, then me. And lastly Doug. So I think it's time to worry less about relationships and take that energy back and put it into thing that are going to move us all forward. If my friends are my friends, we'll find a way to stay close. But right now, honestly, I need to get the paperwork in the office filed. I've spent enough time maintaining relationships.

I'm thinking its time too to have less guilt. Less for me, and less listening to it. I'm tired of analysis, of overthinking, of massaging, of benchmarking. I'm tired of having conversations where the underlying thread is trying to pinpoint "the 'right' way to do things as a parent." I'm looking for some nice negligent mommy experiences. Let the little fuckers bang their heads a bit. Climb on the chair. Grab the toy. When you get your ass handed back to you, you'll learn not to grab. I intend to steer clear of situations designed for discussing. Call it Circle Jerks and Mommy Maturbating if you will. I'm done. I don't care how you get Tyler to nap, or Josiah to eat peas. I live with my kid all day. Tell me something I don't already have an opinion about. Entertain me. I'm a good mother. She's fine. Let's talk about tv then, shall we? A couple of weeks ago my two friends and I stayed at the park when it rained. No child was harmed. I'm ready for more of that and less developmental stages talk. I really don't care. She'll raise herself frankly.

And fianlly, I'm tired of all the mommy drama. Further still, I'm tired of the inadvedent (or otherwise) part I play. So to that end, I'm over worrying about placating people. They want to get all in a twist because they are lonely, sad, bored. Too bad. I'm tired of playing the clown to the sounds of your dysfuctional marching band. Find another cheerleader.

Instead, I'm going to focus on finding a nice biscotti recipe and my holiday shopping.
Maybe work on my abs a bit.
Do more flashcards with Ellie.

Every Time Two Nerds Collide

I came out of the bathroom and got into bed. After first checking "The Google" to see if shortened periods were indicators of premenopause.

"So my periods are shorter" I said to my husband.
Who is the queasiest of men and wants NOTHING to do with this topic - ever.
As I'm sure neither does my gentle reader.

"Uh huh," he said. "So what, you think you should see a doctor?"
"No. I just think I'm getting, you know, old."

As I settled in next to him I continued the conversation from weeks ago as if it was just that night.
" I love how we have o keep having this baby talk, Negotiating, discussing. Watch, we'll make this big decision and we'll find out..."
He interrupts "That your barren?"
I laughed. My dad used to call me his barren daughter during introductions.
"This is my youngest, she's a barren single professional."

We rolled over to go to sleep.

Into the dark I hear Doug say "I wouldn't mind being a Baron you know"
"I'm sure" I said. Drier then the desert.
"Baron von Butler...I like that"
"Baron Butler? Sounds too alliterative"
"I know, that's why we need the von"
"Then I'd be the Barren Baroness Butler?"
"Exactly" he crowed.
Then continued. "Actually, I wouldn't mind being a Archduke."
"REALLY? I expressed genuine interest. "Not a king?"
"No. you can't be a benevolent dictator when your a king. You have to oppress with kindness."
hmm. I thought.
He went on "I think Id rather be a Archduke because then we could live in a Duchi."
"That's AWESOME" I played along. "So if UPS delivered something they could pass our dutchi on the left hand side???"

Then we both chuckled, preened, and marveled at our own wit.

I had to check though. after. Just to be sure he got it.
"You know, because UPS..."
"I know. I got it."

Becoming Your Mother

My mother used to always say, in a sing song cadence...
"You did that Deliberately and Intentionally to GET MY GOAT"

So imagine my great joy when I, as a mom, got to hear myself saying a version of the same thing.

I Dont Care How You Get, Just Get Here If You Can

So I'm still waiting for Cindy to move "home".
Exciting business.
Who am I kidding, I'll never see her but nonetheless, excitement abounds.

Although, there IS the pesky business of selling her house.
I wonder?

St. Joseph, the husband of Mary and earthly Father of Jesus Christ, is honored as the patron saint of married couples, families, carpenters and workingmen. March 19, his feast day, is especially celebrated by people of Italian and Polish descent.

Over the years, the tradition arose of St. Joseph having a special power in real estate transactions. European nuns buried a medal with his likeness on property they hoped to aquire for convents. Gradually the medals were replaced with statues and the focus changed from buying to selling.

The statue is buried upside down in the front yard with the feet pointing to heaven. It may face towards the home (or towards the street if you want your neighbor's home to sell!) The location of the statue can vary: by the "For Sale" sign, in a flower pot (popular for condo owners), etc.. As long as you can find it once the home has sold. After the home has sold, the statue should be removed from the ground and given a place of honor in your new home.

Girlhood Crushes - Crush #1, A Series of Many Posts

I would have to say my first crush that I can remember was Jim Rockford. Not James Garner, not James Garner as Maverick, not James Garner selling batteries by getting 'em knocked off his shoulders. It was - specifically - Jim Rockford. And his Bad Ass Car. Which was almost as cool as Baretta's. Who I did NOT have a crush on.

Now I had to be about 5 here. Maybe 6 tops. and I would RUN from the room every time my mom watched it because I was too embarrassed to be in the same room as him. Him on TV.

My husband finds it endearing that to this day I have to change the channel when a TV character says something stupid. "I'm so EMBARRASSED for her" I bleat. Or I cover my eyes and make him watch.



Now, in hindsight, I realize that my sister will find this crush rather obvious.

I had a crush on a tv character named JIM. With dark hair. Who's older. And a policeman.

Anyone? Anyone? Freud? Anyone?

My mothers boyfriend when I was four?
Oh, no one special. Just a guy named Jim. A brunette. Who was older. And a policeman.

Let me just get on with my bad ass electra complex.

Lightening Up

I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of being morose. I'm tired of being a hater. I see a change comin. I see the tide a shiftin. That Old Man River. He just keep rollin along.

I need to stop listening to country music. What IS IT with me and country music when I'm feeling introspective? Thank god we can still afford FIOS. I danced with Ellie to a little Donnie Hathaway earlier and it evened out Reba's Why Haven't I Heard From You. Nothing yet has killed the aural taste of Lee Greenwood taste but I'll be going out soon. Likely some asshole on the oldies station will be playing Monster Mash for he umpteenth time. That should get stuck nicely in my head.

So, what's got my spirits up? Well. I dyed my own hair today, put away a boatload of clothes and made my, ahem, our bed with My Very Old Bedspread From When I Was Single. And I feel better. I'm also going to coerce my friend Jess to fix and paint a chair for me.

Because I'm THAT kind of girl.

I'm not going to focus on the fact that my husband pondered - OUT LOUD for Christ's sake - today what other skills he has to earn a living because, let's be honest, not a lot of money in being a Portfolio Manager today. Buh bye half your salary. Wait, I have to go turn off the kitchen light.

Anywho, in the spirit of lightening up (or going darker as my hair color did - ba dum bum) - with "Thanks" to Praying to Darwin - I've decided to post a list of my early childhood crushes.

Sneer if you will.

The Princess Bride

He's on the phone with my MIL.
I know she will appreciate it so I interrupt.

"We have another mouse"
He rolls his eyes.
"Do NOT roll your eyes"
I hear squawking through the phone.
"She THINKS we have a mouse" he repeats.
More squawking.
"I found poop" I show him.
He rolls his eyes again.
"I FOUND poop. I found one on the counter, downstairs in the basement, I found one on the floor of her room. And now, I just found a poop in the breadbox."
talking loudly so his mother can hear. "We HAVE a mouse."

Inconceivable.

He explains to her mother. "Yeah, she thinks she saw a mouse dropping in the breadbox. Um hmm. No, it's probably a dropping from before."

I'm pretty sure the noise I made sounded like a dog choking on a chicken bone.

He looks up. I forget his mother is on the phone.
"You think I haven't cleaned the breadbox since JUNE????"
I could hear simultaneous screeching through the phone.
He looks at me, then at the phone.

"Really? You clean the breadbox???"

His mother hangs up in disgust.
"She said you should smack me" he said.

Too Cryptic For ya?

So the phone rang the other day.

I was outside walmart of all places.
Of all places because Wallys and I don't usually see eye to eye.

It's my friend Shannon.
Mid transition sentence she outs "So you pregnant or what?"

huh?
Um. No.
Interesting conversational gamut by the way.

So I basically act like a mid to moderate asshole, put her on the spot and give her a quick "WTF?"

She explains "I didn't know what happened. Did you get your period? Or not? You said you didn't really. Didn't you have a positive test?"

That was forever ago I'm thinking. But in application it was what, less then a month ago? So I was dismissive. Summarily waving it off. "Yeah, no must have been chemical." Plus I don't know, I'm not used to talking about...well, about things like periods. Blogging notwithstanding. It's still sort of a *blushworthy* word for me.

Silence.

I mean, I'm not an idiot, I'm pretty hep to what constitutes fertilization. But I didn't feel like having a discussion. Not because it was emotionally painful or anything, just because I was at WALMART. Where the employees are just younger then dirt and really really I didn't want the withering elderly lady "are you on your cell phone dear" looks. Minus the dear.

So I was abrubt.
"Yes. no. Not. Thanks for asking."

She played along.
Glossing over it moving on to better conversational waters.

As I reflect on it tonight, would that we had this conversation today.

"Oh no, I'm not pregnant. How can I tell? I think I might have pms. How do I know? Well, I blogged someone was a cooze for one - and I don't even USE that word. Then I wanted to bitch slap that self same person's chid today, add to that I took a two hour nap - for real - and allowed my daughter to stay in her crib for an HOUR after she woke up because I was just just too tired to play. Hmm. Then tonight I ate a bowl of cakemix."

"Why no, I wasn't making a cake. I went IN to the kitchen, opened the box, cut open the bag, siphoned some dry batter into a bowl, added 2 tablespoons of milk, and ate raw batter."

The maybe baby would have hidden from me today let's be honest.
Mommy is bitch.
Poor Ellie. She went to bed early. even she's tired of me.

Well, you gotta draw the line SOMEWHERE

Whilst perusing Craigslist tonight, I came across the following ad:

I am a stay-at-home mom who is recovering from major surgery and needs help caring for our 3 year-old son and little dog (a pug).
Mon-Fri 2pm-6pm

Responsibilities Include:
Walking our dog
Playing with our son: fun/interactive/learning activities, no TV
Assisting my son to tidy up the playroom at the end of the day
Participating in playdates at our home or a friend's/neighbor's house
Preparing a light dinner: hot dog, chicken nuggets, Mac-n-Cheese etc, no major cooking necessary
Start Date: Immediately


Um hmm. NO TV.

Translated:
My son needs interactive stimulus but you can shove any old shit in his mouth and call it a day.

In the cold light of day

I woke up and the epiphany passed.
I still think she's a cooze.
If you'll forgive the Vision Quest vernacular.

Touched the Face of God

It's not often, in fact it's 240 posts, that I have used the same header twice. But today I will. In spirit anyway.

About a year ago I posted an entry about seeing the hand of god in everyday things. I'm not an especially good Christian. In fact, I won't receive communion because I have broken commandments for which I can't repent. I feel bad praying when I don't do the other work I'm supposed to. I'm not as fair to God as I should be, in fact, I'm not ready to be.

But for whatever reason, in my hour of need, he always makes himself known.

Tonight I felt a bit sad. Misunderstood to be sure, reeling upset from my email contretemps with the fictitiously named Katie. I sat on the couch, refusing to let go of Ellie, snuggling her sweaty, sleeping warmth while my husband let me watch two back to back dvr'd episodes of Grey's Anatomy.

He kept checking in.
'You ok?" he'd ask.
"Nope" Id reply. "Still sad"
"I'm sorry" he'd drop a kiss on me. "Do you want me to take the baby?"
'Not yet" I'd say. "I'm not ready.

Finally he put her to bed.
and I got up to check email.
Trepidatiously.

Nothing from Katie.
Nothing to be answered.

Except for one tiny email with the subject line "Sand Toys".
To me, care of Craigslist.

Saturday, I had posted:
I have a small plastic laundry basket full of about 16 sand toys, - ie little rakes, molds for castles etc. I was holding on to them to donate them to the park next spring (the sandbox toys) but I'd actually prefer they go today, vs 7 months from now. These are clean - they were all run through the dishwasher. Not cracked, just older.

Everything in picture included -


The message I received?

Hi, My daughter is autistic and recalls having sand toys like yours when she was small. She has asked me to contact you to see if I can pay you to ship these to us. I'd gladly pay you $50 plus shipping charges for your trouble if you can arrange that. My daughter, now 17, does not like many things, but has been searching the internet for days until finding your listing.
Sincerely,

and it was signed with a legitimate name, a title, an address, telephone numbers. A name that matched the email address, that was googleable, for which I found many instances, as well as pictures, and board appointments that authenticated his identity.

I replied that I would send them, at our expense. His payment to be an email message that they arrived safely.

I am, in a few words, reminded again, that there are things out there, greater the me, greater then my tiny troubles. That God, once again, cliches abounding, in his infinite wisdom, is allowing me to give rather then to take. so I'm humbled by the opportunity. And will go to bed sorry, for even if I was right, right about Katie, right for being angry, maybe I wasn't so right being righteous.

Every now and then God has to bitch slap me.

To Everything There Is A Season

The phone rang.

I just wanted you to know, she said. In case you want to call your uncle.
I asked my mother how she felt.
I feel nothing, she said. No different. I feel the same.
As it should be, I said. Just checking.
I feel nothing different, she repeated.

I believe her.
I think it odd though that her mother, her brother and now her father will all die in the same month of the year.
Also the month of her birthday.

Seems like a lot of shit to think about come every October.

Just An Old Fashioned Love Song

My brother in law and his fiance are moving in together. Well, more specifically she is moving in to his place, which is a nicely outfitted garden basement apartment belowstairs from my inlaws. Lest you get the wrong idea, my inlaws, all, are amazing - clever, funny, articulate, brilliant, sarcastic, erudite - and yet so salt of the earth you're perpetually thirsty when visiting. So this isn't some creepy "I live in the basement" guy and his freak show bridezilla. This is an honest to go, adorable couple - he getting his masters and teaching preschool, and she finishing her degree in art therapy. Together they will educate the world, and likely stay thin for want of a substantial meal, or at least the money to buy one. Thank god Doug and I have no problems whoring for The Man. I see nursing home bills.

Last night, in answer to my question regarding how settled they felt, my future sister in law disclosed that she was a little stressed about space. Because, of the three room apartment they are about to live in, and three's a stretch mind you - think studio with a partition for the bed and a wee foyeresque area created BECAUSE of the partition - stressed because in the three room apartment they are about to live in, one area is going to be devoted to the dog crates. Crates. Plural. Because she's bringing her dog with her.

And it'll be fine, because her dog gets along with his dog.
And wow, that's great because BOTH dogs get along with my mother in laws dog.

Yep.
Her black lab gets along great with my inlaws two yellow labs.

Which would be fantastic if they lived on a, say, farm.
Or a deadend.
Or heck, in a suburb, even.

My allergic husband is thrilled.
Im off to Sears to buy a vacuum.
"it's a housewarming gift or all of you."

Counting to Ten subtitled "Is, parethetically, Never A Good Idea Because It Explodes Later Randomly Out Of Context

So. This is not going to be a post that flatters me. At all.

Backstory. I'm walking around my neighborhood this summer, meet a bunch of moms hither and yon, decide to invite them all over for a backyard cookout. A meet and greet. One local mom approaches me. "Instead of a bbq, lets start a playgroup"

But not just any old playgroup, a big one. With arts and crafts, songs, stories, and free play.

Hmm. Well. I WAS a professional event planner for 7 years so sure, I'm game.

And off we go.

From the beginning, she has been tough to deal with. Motivated, but selective. Passionate on her terms. Agressive. Not very diplomatic. Etc.

Through that though she is good hearted. A good mother. She has a beautiful home (not neat, not fancy - a home) complete with wedding photos, pictures of generations, ample toys, books, comfy areas to sit. Her life is her family and her boys are exceptional. Bright. Well presented. Rough and tumble. I knew her husband and he choose very well. She makes his life better.

So this is a woman you WANT to care for. If you worked with her you'd say "She's a good kid" Well, I mean, if you worked with her more years ago the we'd care to count.

But god. It's brutal. Talking to her? Negotiating with her? She has virtually no diplomacy ad zero communication skills.

So I've tried. She sends me ideas, emails, calls me about things and I try to listen objectively. A lot of times I find her incredible reactionary, hugely emotional, overly aggressive...but i go along to get along. I temper my reactions so we can move ahead.

Because the few times I made the mistake of thinking we were equal, that I might have had a voice - not in the group but in the dialogue - well, I was disabused of THAT notion. And quick.

Suffice to say there aren't enough words or space or hours to tell you how the camels' back got bowed with straws but this is our email exchange:

(It will be relevant for you to know that Im the performer there. I actaully lead story circle time so I get up and sing and dance and read books for about 20 minutes. I make it interactive, do puppets, puzzles etc Sing. Then I break up circle time and do some freeze dancing or run the activities for the 10 month to 2 year group. So pretty much I work and ignore Ellie. Rah Rah.)

HISTORY
Katie* (not her real name) and I sent out a survey. Checking in after the first session of our group (they are 7 week sessions).


From: KATIE
Sent: Wednesday, October 15, 2008 1:47 PM
To: ME
Subject: SURVEY

Hey,
Here is a new comment from the survey:
"still find it hard to meet the other moms, it still feels like everyone either already knows each other or is just doing their own thing and not willing to talk. Maybe there could be some time focused on the moms talking and socializing, relating experiences."

I think I told you that at the Family Network the leader opens up the room for questions...she did it during snack time, after she read the book. She would open it up by saying...Does anyone have any thing they want to discuss, maybe some thing they are having a hard time with or something good they would like to share?

I could do this during craft time...
I would like to send an email letting them know that we will start incorporating this into the program...and let them know that this came out of the survey.

I could come up with a list of things to discuss?
what is your slant on this...
p.s. I feel for this Mom...

Blogger Me commenting:
So, ok, this is anathema to me. Not that I'm anti discussion but please, we published it as a playgroup. I KNOW which mother answered this.

From: ME
To: KATIE
Sent: Wednesday, October 15, 2008 11:34:49 PM
Subject: RE: SURVEY

I’ll take the risk that it reads funny b/c im coming and going tomorrow, can't talk live. So here’s what I’m thinking.

"I would like to send an email letting them know that we will start incorporating this into the program...and let them know that this came out of the survey."
To take one person out of elevens needs and make a change and say it came “out of the survey” would imply that many people asked for it which isn’t really accurate.

I know you feel for the girl, I do too– somewhat. We’ve all felt that way. Being someplace, feeling like everyone knew someone, feeling like you are just sitting there going “oh ho hum I don’t belong”. Please – I felt that way the other day! But that’s not reality. That’s perception. Her perception. And it’s kind of self pitying actually. The reality is – usually - that you get out what you put in. So if you feel like people don’t want to talk, then try harder. Find people who do. Join in conversations. Go sit where they are sitting. Email people on the yahoo list and invite them over. I sent a yahoo email about the psychic thing. That person could have emailed me and said “Gee, I’m not into psychics but I’d love to hang out some other time” or they could post a playgroup idea. Alternately, they could ask US to get more involved. A lot of people there are social. . I see people, like M, who knew no one talking to everyone, and I see everyone eager to respond. It takes time to develop camaraderie. If that person is feeling “left out”, we can’t caretake for them. We simply don’t have enough info. Are they a generally sad person? Do they come every week? Do they make overtures? Or hey, maybe that person is annoying, obnoxious, and uninteresting thus people avoid them. Or maybe they want something out of the conversation, ie a level of intimacy that just can’t exist in that setting. Like lots of one on one talk. For example S. Remember her initial email. It was like reading a letter from Eeyore. She’s always wanting to “talk” talk. I get that I sound brutal but I think to start having “issue” forums is pandering to someone who is going to “always” have an issue. The remark reads as insecurity to me.

Id prefer to combat it more organically. Perhaps we should just start by example. We plant a few “interesting “ discussions at different times. on the circle mat after singing, at snack table. For example, one day when you are doing crafts you could say outloud, “Gee. It’s funny being pregnant with my third. I felt overwhelmed at first and now here I am having three. D’ya know what I mean??? Did you ever get that feeling of isolation??” and see if the conversation flows. I wouldn’t make an announcement, Id just start changing our behavior and see if others follow. Other things we could do is start a discussion board, or offer to have “intimate” at home playdates hosting 3 at a time to “discuss” parenting issues. We could have “getting to know you” rotation dates. Field trips to the park if you will. There’s TONS of creative ways we can get people feeling connected without adding it as a formal program component. I’d be happy to host a tea.

But here’s my bottom line feeling. I don’t want us to "announce" that we are going to start “discussing issues” b/c there is always one or two people who need help, real help, and it’s going to turn into a therapy session or a soliloquy every week. And that’s a downer. We’d lose more people then we gain with that. We’ve only met, what, 5 6 times? People are still feeling out the situation. I think as the group grows, trust builds, more people will start to share and form a support network. I don’t think we should force what will develop naturally.

Blogger Me commenting:
Ok, so I went on a bit. But she tends to argue every point so I wanted to present my entire logic...

From: KATIE
Sent: Thursday, October 16, 2008 1:30 PM
To: ME
Subject: Re: SURVEY

It actually worked out really well at the family network, it didn't get out of control. It was really informal.

Some weeks no one talked about anything and other weeks we got into big discussions.

I really don't think it there is any harm in opening up a discussion about something.
If it would make it easier as you stated in your email, each week we could start off with something like...

lunches, what do you feed your kids...I need some ideas
sleeping, my kid wakes up every night, is that happening to you?
Potty training, when does that happen...have you started sitting your kid on the seat yet?
my kid is biting, help me!
talking, I think my child is delayed, E.I. testing
TV use, how much is too much?
Halloween - do you give your kids candy?
Christmas - what is the "IT" toy of the year?
Discipline, when should you start time outs?
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, what do you do when you feel that way?
Winter Blues, what do you do?
I need a new hair dresser, where do you go?
etc....

It might be good for us to have a question or two in our back pocket to ask the group.

As a side note, you are a very social person and you invited a few of your friends not from the immediate "neighborhood". It is easy for you. And it is easy enough to tell people how they should be but it doesn't always work that way. Some people are shy and need to be approached...It just isn't in their makeup to be proactive.

Blogger Me commenting:
Sigh. I see her point but you have to KNOW this woman. Im tired of these conversations. EVERY week. Every single time we meet she comes out of the playgroup with "Tons of feedback" EVERY Fucking week. She'd be a nightmare at a "real" job.

----- Original Message ----
From: ME
To: KATIE
Sent: Thursday, October 16, 2008 10:18:19 PM
Subject: RE: SURVEY

I think I am misunderstanding you – or you me. The perils of email.
Simply - I agreed that discussion wouldn’t cause any harm. I actually offered ways to execute it. My point was that I didn’t think you needed to announce it as a “Thing”. That it could be done subtly. My other point is if you DO announce it as being an add, then you personally need to own it. As in “Oh I thought we’d add this. People might enjoy it.” To present it as ‘this is what came out of the survey” is misleading. One persons comments shouldn’t carry that much weight. If that’s the case, according to one person, we should only do arts & crafts every other week. We aren’t cutting arts and crafts, are we? No. So I’m advocating subtlety.

As far as discussions in general – just last week at snack time, M was talking about getting her kids off the bottle, S was talking about her son running away (in stores). So it’s happening. I’m not sure if the mom in question had an opportunity to see it but people are going in that direction. It takes time. Yes I feel for the woman but as I was trying to point out to you, she’s NOT the norm. And you need to back up a bit and realize that she’s not you. I know you identify with her plight, you’ve mentioned that you find it tough to sometimes meet people. But she ISN’T you and your experience isn’t everyone else’s. I’m just asking you to not react “shotgun like”. She’s someone wholly independent of us and we cant ascertain why she feels that way. To change something publicly for 13 other people because 1 person is having trouble makes no rational sense. Emotionally I understand your compassion. Im just being objective about it. Which to you translates as uncaring. Which is not the case.

Please understand this when I say it - I have noticed that you are very reactionary. You want to just “get it done” “push forward” etc and often don’t seem to be willing to allow things to grow and mutate. Or allow others to find their way to the same point. It’s like ruthlessly pruning a garden. It doesn’t need to be so black and white, or absolute. When folks didn’t like activities, at first, you were like “Lets cut it – lets do free time” The next week, kids got bored in storytime so it was “We need to cut storytime” and so on and so on. You were worried about the kids in group so you said “We HAVE to cut them into two groups” and then folks are clamoring for “all together” stuff. So while I really really admire all the work you’ve done, I need to say, I think you need to take it easy. Not be laid back but stop creating actions based on one experience. Don’t just rush to change the dynamic for everyone until you’ve really considered it’s impact. From ALL sides, not just the positive.

Im not asking you to analyze every little thing. But I do need you to occasionally, occasionally chill out. And please, if you want to add it – add it. Try it out. If people respond, then you’ll know it’s a go. If people don’t, then we move on. I’m was just cautioning you not to make it a “big deal”.

And finally, and this isn’t really relevant but:
1. Family Network,. Just a reminder that I’ve been there. You mention it like it’s foreign to me.
2. As far as my “inviting friends” Yes. I invited B to watch Ellie. Not sure who else you are referring to. If you mean people like M that I met one time walking down the street, or H at the park that you introduced me to, that’s not exactly inviting a friend. If you mean Jess, I didn’t invite her. So I’m not sure which “friends” you are assuming I invited but let me be clear that I invited one. One friend. To help so I could run story time. And, as an aside, I don’t even get to talk to “my friends” I’m usually off making someone feel better, chatting with someone about their kid, answering questions about “next week”, figuring out why this one isn’t watching that one. So my huge circle of friends – ahem 2 – aren’t the reason I manage to not be a wallflower.

And finally, as far as it being easy for me, my being social – I’m not. It’s a learned behavior. I was incredibly shy. INCREDIBLY. And now I bust my ass, I put myself out there. I pass out mommy cards. I’ve kissed A LOT of frogs. I get embarrassed, sad, feel left out just like everyone else. The difference is I fix it, I don’t say “Well it’s hard for me so someone facilitate for me”. It is very hard for me. But I do it. I set the alarm, get up, go for walks, approach moms, hand out cards, go to circle times, I BUST , and I mean BUST my ass. And the fact that it’s hard for other people, while upsetting, is also fixable. You have said that you have a hard time with it. I am empathetic to that. I am. But I take huge exception to someone, including you, saying it’s easy for me when they don’t see the work I’ve put in to it, the tears I’ve cried, the hours I’ve spent putting myself out there. Sure you can say “It’s not in their makeup” but then it’s not everyone else’s responsibility to fix it either. Yeah, it wasn’t in my makeup either but I got tired of being lonely. I constantly am drawing people out. Asking them questions. Making them feel comfortable. I honestly am SO sick of feeling bad for the person who is left out to the degree that I sacrifice my good time to assist them in finding theirs. It horribly passive aggressive of them and brutally unfair to me. I truly don’t think you have ANY idea how much I actually loathe always having to be “on” - to be friendly, to initiate conversations, to get people motivated, to get people talking. It sucks. It takes time away from me, from Ellie. I get depleted. It really really sucks. I had a houseful of people Tuesday and half completely took advantage of me, sucked me dry, abused my good nature and then thanked me for being the best hostess ever. So please – really really really - don’t even BEGIN to assume that I don’t get what its like to be shy. Or to feel like its tough to meet people. Really. Because you’d be very far off.

Blogger Me commenting:
Apparently this was a long time coming.


rom: KATIE
Sent: Friday, October 17, 2008 1:22 PM
To: ME
Subject: Re: SURVEY

the only thing I will reply is that what you think is reactionary/shotgun/black white/rush to change/etc..., I think is open minded, listening to new ideas, and willing to give things a try. I don't want to go back and forth on email. If there is something you would like to discuss further, lets do it personally, email does not come through in the right tone of voice.

Blogger Me commenting:
By all means, dont bother noting anything as valid. Just make your point thatyou are openhinded. Sure. As is evidenced by your response.
So - burn baby burn, my reply:

From: ME
Sent: Friday, October 17, 2008 2:59 PM
To: KATIE
Subject: RE: SURVEY

Actually no thanks. I don’t really feel comfortable discussing things with you in person.

General Housekeeping - Todays to do list

I need to write a to do list - for today - so it'll be my blog entry instead.
Trust me, you'll be bored. Come back later.

UPSTAIRS
Our Bedroom
Vacuum
Sort knitting yarns and store unused in basement
find Dougs colored long sleeve tshirts / reorg his dresser

Ellies room
Vacuum
Line waste basket
Make drawer pulls out of ribbon for jewelry box

Office
Vacuum
empty shredder
file at lest 10 pieces of paper

Bathroom
Cursory clean sink
Replenish tp
Find liner paper for under sink - this weekends tbdn (to be done)

Stairs
vac

Front porch
Sweep all leaves
buy mums
take Phil the fake fichus tree off porch.

Livingroom
Vacuum (theme?)
water plant
dust
clean off desk (cursory not for real)
bring summer toys to basement (the ones that didnt seell at tge yardsale)

Playroom aka the Dining Room
Vac
general pickup
dust shelf

Kitchen
Finish dishes

Basement
Put away yarn
Fold Laundry


Basic
wrap and mail Cindys sons gifts
lookup ww chili recipe


OUTSIDE
Buy toothpaste
Return jeans (bring defective button)
Deposit Check
Buy Vicki Gifts - detergent!
Buy floor cleaner
find out password for AMEX gift card
find out if Sears will let you use a landsend card if buying Sears stuff


TO DO - NOT TODAY
Make ghosts out of bowling pins
download halloween songs

So they say David Duchovny and Tea Leoni split because of his sex addiction.
I guess he went to rehab over it.

"They tried to make him go to rehab and he said No No No"

Hmm. Had he been ABLE to say no, he wouldn't be in this mess.
Ba dum bum.
Somewhere there's a better joke for this but I'm just not that clever.

This Mornings Little Joys

Today the scale made me unhappy, then the kind words of a fellow blogger lifted me up.

I slept awful, my daughter was crying, yet when I took her into my arms at 3am, and watched her relax, I realized that I alone, in that moment, had the power to comfort her.

It rained on my radio, my ihome, that I left on the porch after yesterday's playgroup. But the magazines from the craft were covering it and the paper absorbed the water.

I was awful to my husband last night, a pill, a pain. Yet this morning, after his shower, there was a minty soapy kiss in my sleep.

I woke to a sink full of dishes, but my daughter slept late and I had time to clean it up.

I felt taken advantage of Tuesday. Not all of my house guests were thoughtful. I was run ragged. Tuesday night I knit, with the same group. I forgive. My knitting looks nice.

My husband said this morning "I think you have 1 too many things to do".
He's right. But I thank - whomever - that I've been lucky enough to have the time, the stability, and that applause, as needed, to get much of it done.

My dad is overweight. All my early years I worried he would die from a heart attack. I asked him, over and over, to lose weight. He said to me "Deb, I wake up every day and my first waking thought is, "Now. What can I NOT eat today." That stays with me.

I wake up daily and think "What do I need to do? Who do I need to be in service to? Whom have I neglected? Whom do I need to email? Who do I owe a piece of me?" That's why somedays I just don't answer the phone. "Hi Caller, thanks for calling. Even if you are offering love today, I have no place to put it. Can you call me back?"

Today I am tired. Depleted. Maybe a bit sad. Maudlin actually.
Running on Empty ala Jackson Brown.

And then I got an tiny little comment from a blogger that I admire, and glory be Celine Dion / Josh Groban notwithstanding, It Raised Me Up.

So thanks.
Thanks for redirecting my energy.
Thanks for making me feel good.
Thanks.

Now lets all sing "Michael Row The Boat A'Shore, Shall We?"

I've BeenThinking

a. Mayonnaise is gross and b. people need to f*ck off,
I'm not sure which is more important to me right now.

Let's Make A Deal

I need to be efficient today so I cleaned out my bag BEFORE Ellie got up.

This bag has been in use 2 days...

Contents;
1 peeled off Fisher Price Trike label
1 brown “inside” mini Reeses Pnut Butter Cup wrapper
2 green huggies travel wipe packets – 1 with items, 1 without
4 diapers
2 binkies
8 stacking cups
1 ziplock bag of craisins
1 triangle plastic toy where a little dog pops up from inside
1 mommy toiletry bag (tampons, hairclips, lipbalm, lipliner, compact and 2 combs)
1 cup raisins (with lid)
BOTH sets of car keys
1 Cell phone
100 pack packet of index cards – colored
1 foil "outside" mini Reeses peanut butter cup wrapper
1 plastic Guitar heroes amp toy from the Frosted Flakes box
1 package of tissues
1 heap of clean but unpacked tissues
1 empty glasses case
1 blue plastic bowling ball
1 pair yellow toddler socks
1 cream toddler turtleneck
1 pair bright orange toddler leggings
1 pair chocolate brown toddler leggings
1 fake or stolen, bought on ebay, Vera Bradley headband
1 pair of pink and brown toddler socks
4 multicolored craft popsicle sticks
1 receipt for coat donation drive
1 black wristlet wallet
1 notepad with a puppy dog cut out face poking over the top ala Kilroy Was Here
1 ‘That’s Not My Puppy” book.

Where o' where has my baby gone, Oh where o' where can she be?

Through the Looking Glass

Yesterday I was at my mother's. Ellie had finished eating, and I decided to change her shirt - and onesie - both wet from watermelon juice and no bib. Into my bag I went, and pulled out a red long sleeve bodysuit, with a turtleneck, and a white, short sleeve cotton blouse, embroidered at the neck with red and teal flowers. The blouse was a gift from her other grandmother, late season, but appreciated. It'll be too small next year. Lately I've been using the white blouse as a smock style top, or some might say a middy blouse.

It's cute.

Added to that I have red socks and a red bow. So off came her white cap sleeve onesie and her green floral thermal henley. Off came her yellow polka dot socks. On went the rest.

My husband changed her. And while he's adapt at undressing her or changing her for bed, he's not as efficient at getting her dressed. Overall he does a great job, he's just not going to be the bagger in the express checkout if you know what I mean.

So he changes her into the bodysuit, pulls up the jeans, and gives her the new socks. I forgo the bow because I know shes playing outside.

She's fussing a bit - more based on his competency and the lack of a nap then anything else.

My sister and mother are watching avidly.

Right as he goes to put the middy blouse on, my sister and mother, virtually in unison, chime "Why does she need that?"

"Why do you care?" came out of my mouth.
Seriously, like a shot.
Just popped out.

I wasn't mad, annoyed, anything, just point blank "why do you care?"

And neither answered. My sister, upon seeing the final package, said "Aha. I see. It changes the outfit." Which it does.

What wasn't said was a derivative of the following:

My sister believes that kids should be dressed like kids. they should be comfortable, play, get dirty, be human. Nothing appalls her more then someone dressing their baby like a doll, a mini me or a princess. She can't stand precocious dressing (think Bratz dolls and miniskirts on 2 year olds)

It's anathema to her.
Parenthetically, I get some of my best parenting ideas from my sister so I don't disagree.

My mother is just being critical. "She's comfortable. She's a kid. she doesn't need to look all dressy."

Of course she doesn't need to.
And actually, she isn't.

Ellie looks nice.

Mostly because I have good taste. I don't spend a lot of money (I yardsale, I use hand-me-downs and I go to Target and Walmart.) What I do have though is a good eye. So, yes, Ellie does quite frequently looks...how you say?...posh. And no, Ellie won't be wearing just any top with any pants.

She's coordinated,
and accessorized.
If by a bow and color matching I mean accessorized.

Absolutely.

But I allow her to play in her clothes. they are all breathable, flexible, movable and they are allowed to get dirty. She can run, slide, roll, crawl and eat with the best of them. Nothing is sacred. It's just clean. I pretreat and I wash.

Why then? I think is being asked.

Perhaps you think I'm trying to be a Stepford mom? or worse, a Newton/Wellesley/Duxbury/Marblehead Hannah Anderson/Lilly P mom.

Nope.

Perhaps you think I think Ellie needs to be well presented because it's a reflection on my parenting?

Nope.

Ask me why then? Ask me because I'm dying to tell you.

Gee Deb, why do you care about her clothes?
Oh, I'm so glad you asked.

Clothing is part of being disciplined. Waking up, brushing your teeth, practicing good grooming habits - those skills are fundamental to being successful throughout your life. Why NOT teach her to appreciate and wear nice things? Isn't that what they are for? Why NOT instill in her an appreciation for order, for symmetry, for a beautiful aesthetic? She's ALREADY getting dressed. Pants. A T. A shirt. So what's the big deal if they match. At best it adds 2 extra minutes.

Add to that the VALUE of looking nice. As you enter the real world, right or wrong, you are perceived by others, then evaluated. Judged if you will. After someone makes an assessment of you, their attitude towards you will reflect that assessment. When Ellie looks nice, people respond to her better. There is more positive attention - cooing, smiling, effusive greetings. When Ellie walks into a room, a store, a doctors office, and she is well presented, people respond not just in words, but in attitude and actions. Their faces are more open, their behavior more solicitous. They say hello. They engage both she and I in conversation. So what Ellie experiences is a world that is friendly, engaging and full of people who are positive. That in turns instills in her self confidence and self assurance. All because she LOOKS nice. All because I look nice.

If Ellie falls down, in her jeans, middy blouse, and turtleneck, and another mother sees it happen - there is an instant, infinitesimal assessment that happens. "Am I going to step in? Is the mother approachable? Do I really want to touch this kid?" - So she looks at Ellie - and lo and behold, Ellie looks nice. Thus she is perceived as being a well cared for (ie CLEAN) little girl. That mother smiles and is MORE APT to pick her up, comfort her, coddle her. If Ellie was to fall down in say, a pink sparkly barbie ski coat with a matted fur hood, white stretch pants that are pilly on the ass and black sneakers from her brother, well, she may get picked up but likely not held and cuddled for the same lenth of time.

We all respond to "beauty."

Fair? I'm not saying so. My perspective? Absolutely. Ridiculous? Most assuredly.

Well that's not true, you protest. If I see Ellie all upscale and decked out, that would turn me off. If she came into MY playroom looking like that, I'd assume her mother was a snob. A bitch. or worse, a Newton/Wellesley/Duxbury/Marblehead Hannah Anderson/Lilly P mom.

Sure, yah. I run the risk of someone thinking I'm a snob because she "matches." Someone thinking I'm shallow. But that's the world Ellie is being raised in. We ARE a white, middle class professional couple in a suburban community with little diversity and too much emphasis on child development, driving an SUV. That's who we ARE. So that's how she's going to look. Is that a bit elitist? Yes. It is. I own it. I'm aware of it. Thanks.

Oh I'm sure someone reading this is horrified. All children deserve love, all kids should be picked up when the fall.

Sure. Yes.

And all people should love people "For Who They Are" not what they look like. Um hmm. So lets just completely eradicate NATURE while we are at it. Please. Don't be naive. EVERYONE picks things based on it's level of attractiveness - to THEM. I personally don't care HOW your kid is dressed, but I, at least, will own that I will RESPOND to your kid based how he's dressed. And if you aren't honest enough to admit your own prejudices, then you live in your world, and I'll stay firmly ensconced in mine, and I'll call you, alright?

Ohhh, you say. Arent't you being a conformist? So basically you are teaching Ellie to follow the leader, to dress as expected, to be one of many not an individual.
Damn straight, I say. Because I believe that the key to being successful lies from making change from WITHIN. I'm raising a spy if you will. I'll dress her like the others so she can gain acceptance, then once she's accepted, she can dominate with her intellect. Just like Daddy. What's wrong with that?


In all seriousness, listen, I actually believe in some of the theories of the Montessori method. I practice them out of genuine belief that they are true, not because I think it's trendy. I believe in being disciplined, I believe in presentation, I believe in beauty and that we like to be surrounded, we the human animal, by what is beautiful. And that's not knick knacks and frou frou bows. It's just away of living. It's the same reason I compulsively organize and meticulously dustbust. I believe that there is a "right" way to live - it's repeated in feng shui, in Montessori, in the Christian Scientist teachings, it's even in Emily Post for god's sake - and it's all about order and beauty and discipline.

Ellie IS allowed to be a little girl,
just not the little matchgirl.

Financial Update

Ok, as follow up to my financial to do list:

How'd I Do???

• Call Fidelity and discuss status of pension
I did this. They don't know why it's being held up. They're getting back to me. This week, in fact.
estimated value: $7500ish
ACTUAL: tbd

• Call VistaPrint and discuss why they have been charging us for 12 months
They were actually very accommodating. Someone named Patricia offered to refund me the $236 dollars. I need to have "the little mister" check his account online to see if it happened.
estimated value: $225ish
ACTUAL: $236

• Submit FSA reimbursement from dental bill
Hmm. That's hubbies dept. Will start a new To Do List.
estimated value: $1200ish

• Call husband at work and harass him into calling the jewelers, both, to refund monies or issue credits
I think i'll do this myself. My niece needs a bracelet for Christmas. Wait. I'll check Blue Nile first. Add to to do list...
estimated value: $150 & $200
value: tbd

• Call husband at work and harass him into bringing change to change room
Oooooowhhh. This is a great story. He came home and left a 50 CENTAVOS piece on the table. "That's part of a present for you" he said.
"For ME???" I thought. But I'm too chicken to fly, it's not a trip... Then, a few hours later, he found the piece and handed it to me with a folded slip of paper. It was a check, payable to me, from him, for $548. The amount of all change we had.
Sigh.
estimated value: $600ish
ACTUAL: $550 plus the $25 i kept back in quarters for the proverbial meter. And a wealth of affection.

• Collect all merchandise credits, gift cards etc throughout house
Hmm. Although I didn't do this, I started to. And it netted me a whole separate reward. I had a $20 Home Depot merchandise credit and a $15 gift visa card in my desk. I threw both into my bag ~ ostensibly to bring upstairs to the "merchandise credit book" we have (it's like a business card folio but we keep gift cards in it). At my mothers today, I realized I didn't have a birthday gift for Andy. Low and behold - aha even - $35 on hand. snap! So I handed them to him. "Here. Happy Birthday" He was fine with it. God bless the laid back, I say.
estimated value: $400ish
actual: not yet realized

• Collect all returns, mis-purchases, and things to be donated throughout house
Yes. Well. Doug returned the $19 blanket and $18 outfit for Ellie that he bought at Costco (dark blue Sergio Valente jeans with the matching garanimalesque top, size 2T) shake head in amazement. Ponder the fact that Sergio valente still exists. Move on. He came home with $60 in ink cartridges, a $5 ball of fresh mozzeralla, and a Combination leaf Blower Vacuum that strps on like a Ghost Busters pack. Apparently it also mulches. So I'm not sure how well we did here. What I DID get rid of was:
1. The crib I picked up at a yard sale for Shannon (it's VERY nice)I delivered it to her house at 8am today. Im sure she appreciated it. HI SHANNON> GOOD MORNING. chirp chirp and all that...
2. a tv antenna or Dougs computer - in case we ever wanted to watch tv through his moniter (guess what? we don't)
estimated value: $125ish
ACTUAL: please. we SPENT money. Argh.


• Call Wells Fargo and change my legal name on the mortgage
I ended up deciding not to do this. Thanks Kim. Why bother really? They have my social, they know who I am.

The Politics While Dancing

Speaking of Politics. After we discussed this last night, I'm on the floor typing my blog entry and my husband laeans down over the bed discloses that he bet BOTH Brian and Dave $100 a piece at Dierdre's wedding last April that Obama would take it.

"I offered then a chance to get out of it today for $50 each" he said.
"WHAT???" (That's me. Astonished.)
"I said, listen, you can each give me $50 now to walk away from the bet. The way it's looking now, it's 4 to 1 that you both are going to owe me $100 in November. So i'll let you walk now, and save yourselves $50."
I'm mentally sidetracked. I was AT that wedding. "Ok, but what if McCain wins?" I said.
He replied "that's why it's a gamble. Hey. I'm giving them an out. Brian actually thinks it's a great deal. He just can't switch ponies like that."
"Um hmm" I assented. All the while thinking my husband bet on the election at a WEDDING? then I vaguely remembered the wine at dinner and some high fiving amonst the crowd. Bunch of white guys in suits. Sure. It's all coming back to me.
My husband continues. "Actually, that's not a bad bet. If it's 4 to 1 for Obama, and I bet $25 on McCain (per bet), that covers me both ways. Obama wins, I pay off the McCain bet and I'm left with $150. If McCain wins, I'm DOWN $50, but I've saved the other $150 I'd have had to pay out. Hmm"
I watched him go to that place. That place where his eyes glaze over and he mentally calculates odds. My little economics award winning husband.
He gets up and leaves the room.
I hear typing.

And I'm on the floor thinking "Really? So, what, there's an offshore Caymen Islands operation that takes these kind of bets? REALLY?"

At a WEDDING no less.

Politics As Usual

So. I read an OpEd in the NY Times tonight.
Can This Be Pro-Life?

And I need to just say this.
I am SO f'n sick of hearing about Sarah Palin and her "charging for rape kits".
Her town charged the victims insurance companies. Not the victims. No victim was charged, no victim paid. it's not a good example of her rabid Christianity.

"Oh but that's horrible. That's adding insult to injury. Those poor people. The town should have paid for it. She's such a damned crazy Christian..."

Hmm. Ok, well, let's pull together a hypothetical. Lets say you live in a town, in say, Alaska. And your town doesn't have a large budget. In fact, maybe you live in a town that's economically depressed because, hmm, let's say you aren't producing a lot of oil up there because oil is cheaper elsewhere (thanks America for demanding those low oil prices "The government should DO something" so we can keep on consuming. There's plenty more dinosaurs were they came from! ) Oh, and you aren't cutting down trees (keep it green folks) and salmon is being overfished. etc etc.

So here you are in piss poor Alaska with zero dinero in your town budget. Hypothetically.

And rape kits are, hmm, say $800? $1000? each including test results against the town police budget. Now, I don't know how many rapes you have per year in one town but lets say it's including domestic assault rapes, say drunk husbands, that they are collecting 12 per year. Maybe 15? That's $12-$15,000 against the police budget. Coincidentally maybe what, hypothetically, 2/3 the cost of a new cruiser? Or a part time admin?

Let's say the funding is such that you are choosing between a drug program for the kiddies, a crossing guard and a police website...or 15 rape kits. Kits that can be paid for BY INSURANCE. By big business. By someone else...BESIDES the town. That you can take the Dr visit, collect evidence, and charge someone ELSE the fee.

Is that mean? Are we victimizing the victims?

I'm sorry but no. That sounds actually like good fucking fiscal planning.

Being mean is having zero funding, so you don't BUY any rape kits at all - and no evidence is collected.

Being mean is not being able to prosecute a crime because you didn't have the funding for kits.

Being mean is not having a police presence, a crossing guard, a whatever to keep everyone SAFER.

Charging a phantom insurance company a fee for something so your town can stay on budget seems pretty damn creative.

Frankly, she rose in my estimation.

As my husband put it "You know, there's a lot more concerning things about that woman."

As I put it "If THAT'S what troubles you, so be it, but that's not even a penguin on the tip of the iceberg for me. If you are going to put together a lynch mob, at least have the right rope."

Raisins in The Sun

I was making dinner, Ellie was in her chair. Doug was hovering.

We had some low frequency bickering. Gentle sniping really, and not with any intent. More along the lines of "Can you pass me the cutting board. I don't know where it is - I JUST had it" Meaning "Id get it myself but you just moved it midcut so you could plug in your cell phone charger and now I'm knee deep in beef that needs to be cubed and both hands are full and where's the f'n board, buddy, do you mind??? And can you NOT hear her asking for more grapes? HELLO. How are you helping?"

About 3 sentences (altercations) in, I turned and pushed a bright yellow bowl at him.
"Here. Have a grape. Grapes are a happy food."
He moved away.
"Seriously" I said "You could be in a better mood."
"I don't want one" he said. Lifting the lid and looking dubiously into the pot. "I don't think these potatoes are going to cook on low like this."

"I'm telling you. They're a happy food. Just have one."
"What do you mean? How are they a Happy Food?" he asked, picking up a grape.

"Because no one is ever unhappy eating grapes. You know, people always go...'Oooohhhhh GRAPES!' Grapes just make people happy"

So he ate one.
"Hmm. These ARE a happy food."

"I know," I said. "Seriously, aren't they?"

And doncha know, we were both in a good mood for the rest of the night.

Book Club Guide to Raisin in the Sun post

BOOK CLUB GUIDE - Discussion
When Doug lifts the lid on the pot, why do you think that annoyed the narrator? Did this information further the plot line?

We hear the narrator reference Ellie yet Ellie does not having a speaking part. Why do you think that is? Is Ellie essential to the scene? How do you think Ellie contributed to the tension in the kitchen?


A Conversation with the Author
How much of your material do you get from real life?
Almost all of it actually. Most of my posts are about everyday things. Conversations all couples have, daily living.

You seem to make Doug the straight man at times, at others, the bad guy. Is your relationship THAT contentious?
No. Not at all. Actually we quite happy. I just enjoy poking fun at him. Outside of my writing I thank him daily for being a good husband, a good father, a good friend, and, as old fashioned as it sounds, a good provider.

Why do you call it Raisins in the Sun if it's about grapes?
Well, I had to edit the post to make it relevant but the truth is, the grapes we were eating were green. At the same time, we had a bag of Sun Made Raisins in the counter. On the front of the bag is a young lady with green grapes - yet the raisins are darkpurple. Doug and I explored how this was possible. Do green raisins oxidize and turn the ruddy purple of grapes. Or are Sun Made's grapes purple to begin with and the box willfully misrepresents the color? Over 3 minutes of discussion ensued and was edited for the sake of post continuity.

So what's the answer? What color / varietal of grapes ARE the Sun Made raisins made from?
well, I googled it today and was unable to find an answer. Perhaps one of my readers will et me know.

Osmosis

Sometimes, when you are close to someone, you can pick up on their nuances. They are in a bad mood, you absorb it. You reflect it. You walk away thinking "Why do I feel so ill at ease?"

When I first made friends with my friend Jess we had a lot of days like that. She'd be feeling one way, I'd be picking up on it, the I'd be feeding back my response - but her words would say something different. There were times, actually many times, when I viscerally felt "This isn't worth it." But of course, it was. She said to me once, after a particularly queasy incident "Listen, just always assume that I'm taking the high road here and that my intentions are good. I trip over myself at times and should I err, do me the courtesy of thinking that it was inadvertent."

I think that's a good lesson for everyone.
If you can assume the worst, why not assume the best?
And what's reality anyway?

The same thing often happens with Doug. I'll FEEL rather then see that he is in a bad mood, but he won't express it. I'll ask "Hey, are you ok" and he'll give me every verbal assurance that he's fine. But I can tell, I can sense with the hair on my neck, and the energy in my heart, that there is something off. Sometimes he'll say he's tired, or he'll say the commute was bad. But the simple fact is, he's feeling off. But he'll negate that there's anything different going on.

Inevitably that forces me to have the "Let's define the difference between having an "issue" and just "footnoting". And let's define that feelings aren't facts.

An issue is an issue. An issue is that someone took $20 out of your wallet, that your MIL told you you were fat, that your boss told you in your review that you are an underachiever. Those are things that you walk away from and think "Damn, I have an issue"

A footnote on the other hand is wanting to tell a third person that someone forgot to include you on an evite and FW:d it later, and you are feeling left out; or that someone left without kissing you goodbye in the morning and you feel abandoned; or that your husband didn't eat dinner and you feel like you are a bad cook. Footnotes are how you process your daily insecurities, aggravations and squabbles.

You want to be able to say to your friend, your sister, your spouse - 'Hey listen, I'm kind of aggravated about this today. It's a pebble in my shoe. A thorn. But it's not an ISSUE and I don't need you to call me tomorrow in a hushed voice and ask me 'How I'm Feeling About It' That's what a footnote is.

The problem with footnotes is that some people don't know the difference between a footnote and An Issue. They are afraid to footnote for fear of making it "An Issue". So instead, they deny that they are in any way different then they were the day before, and the person who intuits it is left questioning their own judgement. If I sense that you are acting different, and you in fact FEEL different, why not acknowledge that you feel different? 85% of your energy is saying "EEk" and your words are saying "Oh fine, just dandy"

Usually, you can tell a footnote by the surrounding verbiage. Generally it's spoken in a pillow of "I mean, I don't CARE but..."

Today I woke up feeling good, but disorganized. In both my head and in actuality. I had some sorting out to do, and put it on reserve, knowing Id get to it. My friends mother Pam likes to say "Even Jesus waited three days before he acted".

I have some things that I could "feel bad about" but I know that they aren't true.

There are a couple of things I want "to say" but I'm thinking it better that I don't.

The Best post I Ever Wrote

So I was looking something up in my blog and I found this. GAWD. Was I pissed.

WHITE TRASH SUBURBAN SALONS

Blonde sues over brown dye; judge brushes off suit - Boston.com

Blonde sues over brown dye; judge brushes off suit - Boston.com

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Friends

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My Financial To Do List

Given the current state of the economy, and given the fact that my husband is CARELESS with personal finances, tomorrow's to do list is as follows(subtitles in all caps):

Let's see how I can get $10,000 by Friday...
I shit you not.

• Call Fidelity and discuss status of pension
WHERES MY MONEY, BITCH?
value: $7500ish
• Call VistaPrint and discuss why they have been charging us for 12 months
WHY YOU TAKIN MY MONEY, BITCH?
value: $225ish
• Submit FSA reimbursement from dental bill
I NEED ME SOME MONEY, BITCH
value: $1200ish
• Call husband at work and harass him into calling the jewelers, both, to refund monies or issue credits
IT'S BEEN OVER A YEAR, BITCH
value: $150 & $200
• Call husband at work and harass him into bringing change to change room
YOUR COMPANY IS OWNED BY A BANK,BITCH alt title OR I'M BRINGING IT ALL TO COINSTAR, BITCH
value: $600ish
• Collect all merchandise credits, gift cards etc throughout house
WE COULD BE SPENDIN SOMEONE ELSE'S MONEY, BITCH
value: $400ish
• Collect all returns, mis-purchases, and things to be donated throughout house
I’M GONNA GET ME SOME O’ MY MONEY BACK, BITCH
value: $125ish
• Call Wells Fargo and change my legal name on the mortgage
YOU TRICKED ME INTO A SUBPRIME LOAN, BITCH
value: none. Just needs to be done

???

A token of his eternal presence . . .

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Hitting it Old School

I'm on the phone with my sister tonight. I mention that I tapped Ellie across the foot today. Hard.

We have a no kicking policy. I understand that she needs to express herself, that no one likes being flat on their back ala WWF and getting their ass wiped with a cold damp scented cloth (hence the expression cool as a cucumber??), I realize she's having fun and doesn't want me to interrupt it. Etc.

But it's not ok to kick. Not mommy, not daddy, not tummies, not ever. Unless you are over the age of 21 walking in the North End and in fear for your virginity. (A 21 year old virgin? A feat in itself. All puns intended.)

The rule is, she gets a warning. Several. A stern admonishment. We look each other in the eye. Then, if there's another kick, one that appears malicious and not just a synapse misfiring or a tiny mind taking an extra second to process, the offending leg gets captured and it's two fingers against the flat of her foot. Pointer and middle, not ring, so there's some force. She gets a tap. Then a "No Kicking". Then we move on. She cries, I ignore it. She stops kicking. I pick her up, she gets a kiss and a hug, a good girl, then down she goes and off she toddles.

I have heard the reports that hitting is setting her up for a codependent relationship. That the one who hits (aka me) is also the one that comforts. So I fully realize that years from now, she'll be in love with a drunk named Marty, who only hits her every four months then tells her it's her fault. The therapist will point to me. She'll tell her future husband. The one she meets seven years into therapy - after she kicks Marty out. They'll both be glad I was old as dirt when I had her and soon to be dead so they don't have to forgive me. Etc etc.

I read the Slate article on corporal punishment. I've read the articles about human rights. That we don't afford those under 18 the same respect as those older. Etc etc.
I feel bad.
I wonder.
I worry.

I mention it is passing. Conversationally. Adjunct to something my sister has said.

"Yeah. I tapped Ellie across the foot today. Hard."
"Um hmm" my sister says "Wha'd she do?"
"She kicked me in the stomach. We have a zero tolerance policy around kicking."
My sisters quiet. Is she listening or condemning? I continue "I know, there's all these articles that say that once you hit them once, it escalates. That you get desensitized to it."

"Oh good." She said. "Then you won't feel as guilty when she's older and you really need to whack her."