If the walls had ears

Actual conversation at my house this evening. Virtually verbatim…




HIM: "Is that the.. pause Is that the gay guy from Will & Grace?"
ME: "Is who the gay guy?"
HIM: "You have to turn around and look"
I don’t
He continues
HIM: "Oh forget it. It’s not him."
Several seconds pass in silence. Well, personal silence. The remote is changing, channels are clicking.
Suddenly I hear Nathan Lane.
ME: “Oh. Did you mean the houseboy?”
HIM: “No. Not him. I meant someone else. But that’s not him either. The houseboy’s....Hank Azaria.”
ME: "He’s on the Simpsons” I turn and point for emphasis. "And he’s married to that blonde girl. You know. The one from Mad About You."
HIM: "Helen Hunt"
ME: nods"Helen Hunt"
HIM: "I think they’re divorced though. ….(pause)…did you know that Brett Sommers died last year?"
ME: "Do you mean ‘brawmph ba ba ba bah bah brawph”
I play my mouth to the game show song.
HIM: “Yeh. Last year. She was married to Jack Klugman. They married in 196(?) and separated in 197(?) but they never divorced. From 1988 on, Jack lived with Bing Crosby’s sons ex wife”
ME: Quiet.
HIM: "He finally married her after Brett died."
ME: ME: Eyes glazing.
HIM: "He’s still alive you know."
ME: "See that’s what you get for being fastidious. Tony Randell's been dead for years."
HIM: "Richard Dawson is still alive too."
ME: "Really?"
HIM: "Really. Charles Nelson Riley is dead though."
ME: "Well I FIGURED"
ME: "Betty White's still alive though."
HIM: "No. I think she died."
ME: "Nope. Estelle Getty is the only Golden Girl whose died. She died over the summer."

I mean, it was painful. Honestly.
This passes for conversation.
Give us two more years and we're just going to read while we eat.
And listen to each other chew.