Osmosis

Sometimes, when you are close to someone, you can pick up on their nuances. They are in a bad mood, you absorb it. You reflect it. You walk away thinking "Why do I feel so ill at ease?"

When I first made friends with my friend Jess we had a lot of days like that. She'd be feeling one way, I'd be picking up on it, the I'd be feeding back my response - but her words would say something different. There were times, actually many times, when I viscerally felt "This isn't worth it." But of course, it was. She said to me once, after a particularly queasy incident "Listen, just always assume that I'm taking the high road here and that my intentions are good. I trip over myself at times and should I err, do me the courtesy of thinking that it was inadvertent."

I think that's a good lesson for everyone.
If you can assume the worst, why not assume the best?
And what's reality anyway?

The same thing often happens with Doug. I'll FEEL rather then see that he is in a bad mood, but he won't express it. I'll ask "Hey, are you ok" and he'll give me every verbal assurance that he's fine. But I can tell, I can sense with the hair on my neck, and the energy in my heart, that there is something off. Sometimes he'll say he's tired, or he'll say the commute was bad. But the simple fact is, he's feeling off. But he'll negate that there's anything different going on.

Inevitably that forces me to have the "Let's define the difference between having an "issue" and just "footnoting". And let's define that feelings aren't facts.

An issue is an issue. An issue is that someone took $20 out of your wallet, that your MIL told you you were fat, that your boss told you in your review that you are an underachiever. Those are things that you walk away from and think "Damn, I have an issue"

A footnote on the other hand is wanting to tell a third person that someone forgot to include you on an evite and FW:d it later, and you are feeling left out; or that someone left without kissing you goodbye in the morning and you feel abandoned; or that your husband didn't eat dinner and you feel like you are a bad cook. Footnotes are how you process your daily insecurities, aggravations and squabbles.

You want to be able to say to your friend, your sister, your spouse - 'Hey listen, I'm kind of aggravated about this today. It's a pebble in my shoe. A thorn. But it's not an ISSUE and I don't need you to call me tomorrow in a hushed voice and ask me 'How I'm Feeling About It' That's what a footnote is.

The problem with footnotes is that some people don't know the difference between a footnote and An Issue. They are afraid to footnote for fear of making it "An Issue". So instead, they deny that they are in any way different then they were the day before, and the person who intuits it is left questioning their own judgement. If I sense that you are acting different, and you in fact FEEL different, why not acknowledge that you feel different? 85% of your energy is saying "EEk" and your words are saying "Oh fine, just dandy"

Usually, you can tell a footnote by the surrounding verbiage. Generally it's spoken in a pillow of "I mean, I don't CARE but..."

Today I woke up feeling good, but disorganized. In both my head and in actuality. I had some sorting out to do, and put it on reserve, knowing Id get to it. My friends mother Pam likes to say "Even Jesus waited three days before he acted".

I have some things that I could "feel bad about" but I know that they aren't true.

There are a couple of things I want "to say" but I'm thinking it better that I don't.