Counting to Ten subtitled "Is, parethetically, Never A Good Idea Because It Explodes Later Randomly Out Of Context

So. This is not going to be a post that flatters me. At all.

Backstory. I'm walking around my neighborhood this summer, meet a bunch of moms hither and yon, decide to invite them all over for a backyard cookout. A meet and greet. One local mom approaches me. "Instead of a bbq, lets start a playgroup"

But not just any old playgroup, a big one. With arts and crafts, songs, stories, and free play.

Hmm. Well. I WAS a professional event planner for 7 years so sure, I'm game.

And off we go.

From the beginning, she has been tough to deal with. Motivated, but selective. Passionate on her terms. Agressive. Not very diplomatic. Etc.

Through that though she is good hearted. A good mother. She has a beautiful home (not neat, not fancy - a home) complete with wedding photos, pictures of generations, ample toys, books, comfy areas to sit. Her life is her family and her boys are exceptional. Bright. Well presented. Rough and tumble. I knew her husband and he choose very well. She makes his life better.

So this is a woman you WANT to care for. If you worked with her you'd say "She's a good kid" Well, I mean, if you worked with her more years ago the we'd care to count.

But god. It's brutal. Talking to her? Negotiating with her? She has virtually no diplomacy ad zero communication skills.

So I've tried. She sends me ideas, emails, calls me about things and I try to listen objectively. A lot of times I find her incredible reactionary, hugely emotional, overly aggressive...but i go along to get along. I temper my reactions so we can move ahead.

Because the few times I made the mistake of thinking we were equal, that I might have had a voice - not in the group but in the dialogue - well, I was disabused of THAT notion. And quick.

Suffice to say there aren't enough words or space or hours to tell you how the camels' back got bowed with straws but this is our email exchange:

(It will be relevant for you to know that Im the performer there. I actaully lead story circle time so I get up and sing and dance and read books for about 20 minutes. I make it interactive, do puppets, puzzles etc Sing. Then I break up circle time and do some freeze dancing or run the activities for the 10 month to 2 year group. So pretty much I work and ignore Ellie. Rah Rah.)

HISTORY
Katie* (not her real name) and I sent out a survey. Checking in after the first session of our group (they are 7 week sessions).


From: KATIE
Sent: Wednesday, October 15, 2008 1:47 PM
To: ME
Subject: SURVEY

Hey,
Here is a new comment from the survey:
"still find it hard to meet the other moms, it still feels like everyone either already knows each other or is just doing their own thing and not willing to talk. Maybe there could be some time focused on the moms talking and socializing, relating experiences."

I think I told you that at the Family Network the leader opens up the room for questions...she did it during snack time, after she read the book. She would open it up by saying...Does anyone have any thing they want to discuss, maybe some thing they are having a hard time with or something good they would like to share?

I could do this during craft time...
I would like to send an email letting them know that we will start incorporating this into the program...and let them know that this came out of the survey.

I could come up with a list of things to discuss?
what is your slant on this...
p.s. I feel for this Mom...

Blogger Me commenting:
So, ok, this is anathema to me. Not that I'm anti discussion but please, we published it as a playgroup. I KNOW which mother answered this.

From: ME
To: KATIE
Sent: Wednesday, October 15, 2008 11:34:49 PM
Subject: RE: SURVEY

I’ll take the risk that it reads funny b/c im coming and going tomorrow, can't talk live. So here’s what I’m thinking.

"I would like to send an email letting them know that we will start incorporating this into the program...and let them know that this came out of the survey."
To take one person out of elevens needs and make a change and say it came “out of the survey” would imply that many people asked for it which isn’t really accurate.

I know you feel for the girl, I do too– somewhat. We’ve all felt that way. Being someplace, feeling like everyone knew someone, feeling like you are just sitting there going “oh ho hum I don’t belong”. Please – I felt that way the other day! But that’s not reality. That’s perception. Her perception. And it’s kind of self pitying actually. The reality is – usually - that you get out what you put in. So if you feel like people don’t want to talk, then try harder. Find people who do. Join in conversations. Go sit where they are sitting. Email people on the yahoo list and invite them over. I sent a yahoo email about the psychic thing. That person could have emailed me and said “Gee, I’m not into psychics but I’d love to hang out some other time” or they could post a playgroup idea. Alternately, they could ask US to get more involved. A lot of people there are social. . I see people, like M, who knew no one talking to everyone, and I see everyone eager to respond. It takes time to develop camaraderie. If that person is feeling “left out”, we can’t caretake for them. We simply don’t have enough info. Are they a generally sad person? Do they come every week? Do they make overtures? Or hey, maybe that person is annoying, obnoxious, and uninteresting thus people avoid them. Or maybe they want something out of the conversation, ie a level of intimacy that just can’t exist in that setting. Like lots of one on one talk. For example S. Remember her initial email. It was like reading a letter from Eeyore. She’s always wanting to “talk” talk. I get that I sound brutal but I think to start having “issue” forums is pandering to someone who is going to “always” have an issue. The remark reads as insecurity to me.

Id prefer to combat it more organically. Perhaps we should just start by example. We plant a few “interesting “ discussions at different times. on the circle mat after singing, at snack table. For example, one day when you are doing crafts you could say outloud, “Gee. It’s funny being pregnant with my third. I felt overwhelmed at first and now here I am having three. D’ya know what I mean??? Did you ever get that feeling of isolation??” and see if the conversation flows. I wouldn’t make an announcement, Id just start changing our behavior and see if others follow. Other things we could do is start a discussion board, or offer to have “intimate” at home playdates hosting 3 at a time to “discuss” parenting issues. We could have “getting to know you” rotation dates. Field trips to the park if you will. There’s TONS of creative ways we can get people feeling connected without adding it as a formal program component. I’d be happy to host a tea.

But here’s my bottom line feeling. I don’t want us to "announce" that we are going to start “discussing issues” b/c there is always one or two people who need help, real help, and it’s going to turn into a therapy session or a soliloquy every week. And that’s a downer. We’d lose more people then we gain with that. We’ve only met, what, 5 6 times? People are still feeling out the situation. I think as the group grows, trust builds, more people will start to share and form a support network. I don’t think we should force what will develop naturally.

Blogger Me commenting:
Ok, so I went on a bit. But she tends to argue every point so I wanted to present my entire logic...

From: KATIE
Sent: Thursday, October 16, 2008 1:30 PM
To: ME
Subject: Re: SURVEY

It actually worked out really well at the family network, it didn't get out of control. It was really informal.

Some weeks no one talked about anything and other weeks we got into big discussions.

I really don't think it there is any harm in opening up a discussion about something.
If it would make it easier as you stated in your email, each week we could start off with something like...

lunches, what do you feed your kids...I need some ideas
sleeping, my kid wakes up every night, is that happening to you?
Potty training, when does that happen...have you started sitting your kid on the seat yet?
my kid is biting, help me!
talking, I think my child is delayed, E.I. testing
TV use, how much is too much?
Halloween - do you give your kids candy?
Christmas - what is the "IT" toy of the year?
Discipline, when should you start time outs?
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, what do you do when you feel that way?
Winter Blues, what do you do?
I need a new hair dresser, where do you go?
etc....

It might be good for us to have a question or two in our back pocket to ask the group.

As a side note, you are a very social person and you invited a few of your friends not from the immediate "neighborhood". It is easy for you. And it is easy enough to tell people how they should be but it doesn't always work that way. Some people are shy and need to be approached...It just isn't in their makeup to be proactive.

Blogger Me commenting:
Sigh. I see her point but you have to KNOW this woman. Im tired of these conversations. EVERY week. Every single time we meet she comes out of the playgroup with "Tons of feedback" EVERY Fucking week. She'd be a nightmare at a "real" job.

----- Original Message ----
From: ME
To: KATIE
Sent: Thursday, October 16, 2008 10:18:19 PM
Subject: RE: SURVEY

I think I am misunderstanding you – or you me. The perils of email.
Simply - I agreed that discussion wouldn’t cause any harm. I actually offered ways to execute it. My point was that I didn’t think you needed to announce it as a “Thing”. That it could be done subtly. My other point is if you DO announce it as being an add, then you personally need to own it. As in “Oh I thought we’d add this. People might enjoy it.” To present it as ‘this is what came out of the survey” is misleading. One persons comments shouldn’t carry that much weight. If that’s the case, according to one person, we should only do arts & crafts every other week. We aren’t cutting arts and crafts, are we? No. So I’m advocating subtlety.

As far as discussions in general – just last week at snack time, M was talking about getting her kids off the bottle, S was talking about her son running away (in stores). So it’s happening. I’m not sure if the mom in question had an opportunity to see it but people are going in that direction. It takes time. Yes I feel for the woman but as I was trying to point out to you, she’s NOT the norm. And you need to back up a bit and realize that she’s not you. I know you identify with her plight, you’ve mentioned that you find it tough to sometimes meet people. But she ISN’T you and your experience isn’t everyone else’s. I’m just asking you to not react “shotgun like”. She’s someone wholly independent of us and we cant ascertain why she feels that way. To change something publicly for 13 other people because 1 person is having trouble makes no rational sense. Emotionally I understand your compassion. Im just being objective about it. Which to you translates as uncaring. Which is not the case.

Please understand this when I say it - I have noticed that you are very reactionary. You want to just “get it done” “push forward” etc and often don’t seem to be willing to allow things to grow and mutate. Or allow others to find their way to the same point. It’s like ruthlessly pruning a garden. It doesn’t need to be so black and white, or absolute. When folks didn’t like activities, at first, you were like “Lets cut it – lets do free time” The next week, kids got bored in storytime so it was “We need to cut storytime” and so on and so on. You were worried about the kids in group so you said “We HAVE to cut them into two groups” and then folks are clamoring for “all together” stuff. So while I really really admire all the work you’ve done, I need to say, I think you need to take it easy. Not be laid back but stop creating actions based on one experience. Don’t just rush to change the dynamic for everyone until you’ve really considered it’s impact. From ALL sides, not just the positive.

Im not asking you to analyze every little thing. But I do need you to occasionally, occasionally chill out. And please, if you want to add it – add it. Try it out. If people respond, then you’ll know it’s a go. If people don’t, then we move on. I’m was just cautioning you not to make it a “big deal”.

And finally, and this isn’t really relevant but:
1. Family Network,. Just a reminder that I’ve been there. You mention it like it’s foreign to me.
2. As far as my “inviting friends” Yes. I invited B to watch Ellie. Not sure who else you are referring to. If you mean people like M that I met one time walking down the street, or H at the park that you introduced me to, that’s not exactly inviting a friend. If you mean Jess, I didn’t invite her. So I’m not sure which “friends” you are assuming I invited but let me be clear that I invited one. One friend. To help so I could run story time. And, as an aside, I don’t even get to talk to “my friends” I’m usually off making someone feel better, chatting with someone about their kid, answering questions about “next week”, figuring out why this one isn’t watching that one. So my huge circle of friends – ahem 2 – aren’t the reason I manage to not be a wallflower.

And finally, as far as it being easy for me, my being social – I’m not. It’s a learned behavior. I was incredibly shy. INCREDIBLY. And now I bust my ass, I put myself out there. I pass out mommy cards. I’ve kissed A LOT of frogs. I get embarrassed, sad, feel left out just like everyone else. The difference is I fix it, I don’t say “Well it’s hard for me so someone facilitate for me”. It is very hard for me. But I do it. I set the alarm, get up, go for walks, approach moms, hand out cards, go to circle times, I BUST , and I mean BUST my ass. And the fact that it’s hard for other people, while upsetting, is also fixable. You have said that you have a hard time with it. I am empathetic to that. I am. But I take huge exception to someone, including you, saying it’s easy for me when they don’t see the work I’ve put in to it, the tears I’ve cried, the hours I’ve spent putting myself out there. Sure you can say “It’s not in their makeup” but then it’s not everyone else’s responsibility to fix it either. Yeah, it wasn’t in my makeup either but I got tired of being lonely. I constantly am drawing people out. Asking them questions. Making them feel comfortable. I honestly am SO sick of feeling bad for the person who is left out to the degree that I sacrifice my good time to assist them in finding theirs. It horribly passive aggressive of them and brutally unfair to me. I truly don’t think you have ANY idea how much I actually loathe always having to be “on” - to be friendly, to initiate conversations, to get people motivated, to get people talking. It sucks. It takes time away from me, from Ellie. I get depleted. It really really sucks. I had a houseful of people Tuesday and half completely took advantage of me, sucked me dry, abused my good nature and then thanked me for being the best hostess ever. So please – really really really - don’t even BEGIN to assume that I don’t get what its like to be shy. Or to feel like its tough to meet people. Really. Because you’d be very far off.

Blogger Me commenting:
Apparently this was a long time coming.


rom: KATIE
Sent: Friday, October 17, 2008 1:22 PM
To: ME
Subject: Re: SURVEY

the only thing I will reply is that what you think is reactionary/shotgun/black white/rush to change/etc..., I think is open minded, listening to new ideas, and willing to give things a try. I don't want to go back and forth on email. If there is something you would like to discuss further, lets do it personally, email does not come through in the right tone of voice.

Blogger Me commenting:
By all means, dont bother noting anything as valid. Just make your point thatyou are openhinded. Sure. As is evidenced by your response.
So - burn baby burn, my reply:

From: ME
Sent: Friday, October 17, 2008 2:59 PM
To: KATIE
Subject: RE: SURVEY

Actually no thanks. I don’t really feel comfortable discussing things with you in person.