The Best Seven Minutes and Twenty-Eight Seconds Spent Today

I'm sorry. I have to say it. I just think Justin Timberlake is VERY talented. I mean, really. Talk about reworking your image, working hard, keeping your nose clean. I'm not like a teeny bopper with a crush on him, I'm more like "Whoa, what talent".

Anyway I just spent seven minutes and twenty eight seconds listening to What Goes Around Comes Around. And then another.

I really dare you to find a catchier song out right now.
Stupid Scarlett Johanson video notwithstanding.

I See Sick People

I can't help but wonder if Saturday when Doug didn't feed her, if he had some instinct somewhere that she was sick. In his own way did he know? I'm tired. And sad. And I want Ellie home and healthy. I do wonder if he had a sixth sense (in a sense). Like on some subliminal level could he tell she wasn't "right" and was waiting for her to "reset" before he fed her. I'm so used to my own instincts being right but now feel they were so not right. Well, I guess I was right in that I called the doctor. But still.

And it's weird being at home for any length of time. I keep hearing her cry but she's not here.

As Vicki continues to say "Poor Muffin". I'm so busy attending to her I'm not mothering her. I feel like I need to sing to her and hold her but then I see that she does better with the oxygen just blowing so I feel like leaving her alone is better. Sigh.

And, total non sequiter, I'm BEYOND upset about Heath Ledger. My god, 28. He was a baby. With a baby. So very upsetting.

Victory is Mine

I'm so glad on Saturday that Doug "takes the baby" so I can get "my" things done.

As I sit upstairs putting away the Christmas ornaments for the tree I neither wanted up nor believed we had time to decorate (we didn't, so they were unwrapped for nothing) I can hear Ellie crying downstairs. Not full on crying but crying that little noise they make when something small is amis and you need to take some adjustment action. Like changing a wet diaper. Or FEEDING her.

WTF?

I simply don't understand why he doesn't just fucking feed her when she is hungry. SHE'S HUNGRY. It's noon. It's time to eat. Same noon that it is every fucking day. I put the food out for you, the bib is there, she's making all the expectant noises. But no. You have to sit on the couch and try to distract her - with toys, with bouncing, with everything. Explain to me WHY.

Why? Why can't you just FEED her. What does he gain from making her wait?

It's like he's going to try and "hold her off" until 12:30. "Why" I ask him. He can't give me a real reason. "I just don't think she's hungry"

So I listen to mewling sounds for now what's a half an hour. No, I'm not actually getting "my" things done. Because I can hear, as clear as day, my baby saying "I'm hungry". And him being a bigger fucking baby and not feeding her.

I'm so glad he "won" whatever battle they are in.
That'll teach her.

Not Sexy At All

You know how these young kids are into cutting, piercing, branding, tattooing.
Yes well.
Try burning your actual nipple on a spaghetti pot through a light cotton T.

I mean, who the $^##@#^&* DOES that. It STILL hurts and it's nine hours and thirty-six minutes later.

owww.

All I can say is thank god for breast feeding. This pain is only slightly less then the clogged duct infection.

We Will Never Forget

I love the line of Sarah Silverman's where she says basically that Sure, 9/11 was a terrible day, but mainly because it was the day she discovered that soy chai lattes had 900 calories in them.

Anyway. Mark today as Important. Today was the day that I ate the last piece of Halloween candy in the house. Well, except for the Butterfingers which are Doug's and even mice don't like. Oh, and the Almond Joys. Because nobody ever eats those. Really. When you think about it, Almond Joys are like the paper clips at the bottom of your desk. You know you aren't going to use them but it's just too wasteful to chuck 'em.

The Lesser of Two Evils

When I was little, I thought it would be incredibly easy to get into heaven. As I understood it, you only had to NOT break one of the ten commandments. As long as you followed the rules, you'd get in.

At that time, I thought "Well FINE, I mean, these are super easy NOT to break."

I am the Lord your God, you shall have no other gods before me.
Check. You're god. Got it.
No false idols
ok, no gold calf like in the Moses movie. Check.
Although I DID find that scene strangely titillating as a child.
Thou shalt not use the lords name in vain.
Oh My God we aren't allowed to say Oh My God? Tougher but doable.
Remember to keep the Sabbath holy.
So can my father still take us to the bowling alley? Like, is bowling working? But still, ok, no work on Sundays. Check.
Honor your Father and Mother
Frankly, I didn't figure this one was that important.
Thou shalt not kill
"Well who WOULD?" I wondered. "This one is SO easy not to break" I thought, "Of course I would never ever EVER kill someone. I'd never even WANT to."
I would never ever grow up to be say, 38, and want to - oh, I dunno - run someone off the road in a fit of Kohl's parking lot rage. I mean, ex? Ex-who? Boyfriend? Why would anyone ever be tempted to kill anyone? My mothers on the phone? huh? what? Kill? Who, me?
Thou shalt not commit adultery
Why would anyone cheat if they were MARRIED??
Thou shalt not steal
"Well that's reasonable" I thought. "I shouldn't steal anyway so this isn't a commandment, it's illegal. I could go to JAIL." Eternal damnation not being first and foremost I guess…
You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor
Like lie? Lie about our neighbor? I had a vision of a picket fence and someone standing over on the other side. I don't even think I am going to know my neighbor so why would I lie about him? Plus he's so much older...
You shall not covet your neighbor's house
More white picket fence. More confusion. We live on the same street. Why would I like his house better? Confused confused...
You shall not covet your neighbor's wife
But I'm MARRIED so I have my own husband. Plus I'm a girl so why would I want my neighbors wife anyway. Who ARE these people. They are OBSESSED with their neighbors???

As an aside I also thought you could covet the guy three towns aways house, goods & wife. Because he wasn't a neighbor it was ok.

Anyway, why do I bring this up? Well, not only is it INCREDIBLY easy as an adult to break ALL but one or two, these also these silly little cardinal sins too.

I had to make a choice the other day between two of them.

There I was at my friend Cindy's house, fry pan in one hand, spatula in the other. I knew I overcooked the spinach. I also knew that the lions share of raisins and pine nuts would redirect the eaters attention from the wetness of the wilted spinch and make the whole meal more palatable. For about 15 seconds I debated. Do I give Cindy the raisins and nuts, and she'll think I am a great cook, or I should have more myself and have a better meal??

Vanity. Greed. Vanity. Greed. Decisions decisions.

As we sat to eat, I anxiously watched her spoon it to her mouth.
"It's overcooked" I said.
"It's great" she said.
"I left it on too long" I said.
"I LOVE spinach" she enthused "It's really good."

Thereupon I confessed my moral, mortal weakness. I explained about the quantity, the taste, my thought process. I concluded "So I just wasn't sure what to do. I knew that it wasn't coming out right but I also knew whoever got the most raisins and nuts would like it. I had to decide between Vanity or Greed."

She paused. Then looked at me thoughtfully, bowl in hand, fork poised, spinach quivering. I think she may have been assessing me as a person. Either that or she realized the very real nature of my dilemma.

"So" beat beat "Which did you choose?" she asked.

"Vanity" I sheepishly admitted.

Without a beat she raised the fork...
"I'm glad" she chortled,
...and popped the spinach into her mouth.

Let Sleeping Babies Lie

Why do we spend hours trying to get our babies to sleep then as soon as they sleep we poke them and kiss them?

Smells Like Mean Spirit

I'm not one of those people who has ever had "good" friends.

I really haven't and it saddened me for years.
At times I've been exceptionally close to one specific people, as intimate as can be within the bounds of a nonsexual relationship, and in those moments, I certainly felt like I had a "dear" friend but from where I stand today, looking "cumulatively"...

I don't have a Sex in the City group of friends. Nor do I have "I met her in "kindergarten" friends and I certainly don't have "We were college roommate" friends. Frankly, I'm just not all that easy. Oh sure, I'm organized, capable, supportive. I'm direct, I'm intelligent. I'm craving my coffee so I'll be right back....

I'm back. Where was I?

Oh, I'm all sorts of good things but I'm not really a "easy" friend. Nor am I one to turn a blind eye to faults. (I take the words "Be honest with me" pretty literally.)

As I grew into my 20s and early 30s, I found that I didn't have that casual rapor that allows for light socializing with a crowd. I was, and remain, more the confide and dissect type. And as such, I always attracted at least ONE person who I became, hmm, almost obsessively (and mutually) close to. Close like twelve phone calls a day, close like sleep in the same bed vs on the couch, or in the case of one, shower together after the beach because we were in so much of a hurry to get to the bar. I always had a friend that I was thicker then thieves with. Not the same friend, but a series of friends. I know, this sounds like I'm in conflict, "I never had friends but I always had a friend" right? But when I think about those relationships, they weren't so much friendships as this sort of crazed obsessive one on one relationship with no boundaries. And the common thread, also in hindsight, is that I was friends with woman who were either in conflict, in transition, or in need.

Oh please, I wasn't a rescuer, truly, but what I was was someone with endless energy, no spouse, and unlimited time to dissect, to analyze and to listen. And, honestly, I was (and remain) ridiculously smart. My brain enjoys the stimulation of analysis. So I was a great friend to have. I liked music, drinking and dancing, I was attractive enough to play wing man yet not a threat. I was willing to drive an hour to hear a band, and basically never bitched about headaches, backaches, or other aches. I could talk endlessly about them and I had unlimited time to spend with them.

Inevitably, that kind of intimacy has to end. Either the crisis passes, or a man comes in to fill the void. Or the confider got stronger and realized I had witnessed their worse and wanted to move on/away. Or worse, I thought I could be equally frank. Did you know acceptance does not go both ways? Neither does Narcissism?

In all cases - I had a lot of endings. For a long time I was confused, then hurt. How could I go from being someones BFF to someones byproduct? "Here's your hat, what's your hurry". I finally accepted that I wasn't meant to be friends "forever" with these woman. That forever friends were made in kindergarten, and college, and that, at this point, I'd be getting everyone else's leftover friends anyway. All the good friends, like all the good guys, were taken.

Bitter, table for one?

The last one was the worse. The very worse. Because I actually liked and trusted this one. And we were older. To be honest I didn't respect her, but I admired her. And she was cool. So imagine my surprise when she dumped me? God, I'm just so much, um, BETTER then her. Not as talented, not as smart, maybe even not as pretty, but not such a pathetic whiner and a woe is me-er. I was shocked that she could just end it all so quickly given she was getting the better deal.

Anyway, why am I bringing this up? Excellent question.

After meeting Doug, having Ellie, and living life, I have rewritten my definition of friend. And she wasn't a good one.

I fired a "friend" today. By US Postal Service. We weren't real friends. She laid claim to the title and I didn't disabuse her of the notion. But I never liked her. I started my pattern. I listened, I emailed, I was "involved". I thought I'd grow to like her as she had a good heart. But we became friends because she wanted me vs. I her. I just recently decided that I can't stand her. I really can't. And that I really hate talking to her. Or more specifically listening to her. So I wrote her a Dear Jane. Then I felt sick with guilt remembering the above mentioned "friend' that hurt me.

So I checked the blog of said "friend", and guess what, her boyfriend dumped her. With no reason, no warning, and no means to make amends. She's bereft. Heartsick. She's wondering how someone could do that. I'm wondering if I should send her her email from 4 years ago?

I'm glad she's hurt. I'm glad she's feeling pain. I'm glad that something was taken from her. It's karma. Why do bad things always happen to her, she wonders. Because simply, she's not a good person. She wasn't then and I let myself feel bad about me over it. Years later we are, and instead of being charitable, I'm childish enough to be gleeful. And maybe I'll get a universe flag for excessive celebration and then I'll have to rework my own karma but simply put, HA. Ha on you. Ha you are hurt. Good. You sucked. You suck. Ha.

Relationships are complicated. And apparently I have a lot of free time to think about it.