29 weeks ~ Dr Update subtitled Curiouser & Curiouser

Hi, just wanted to give you an update. We had our 4th FFN and yet another u/s today. (It’s getting to the point where we’re considering using ultrasound pictures as scrap paper….)

And, for the 4th time - the ffn was negative. Amazing. Additionally, my c*rv*x is holding (TMI but ½ the distribution will want to know).

We were super paranoid that coming home early was going to be a huge setback but we are still even keel. The Dr seems tickled. Apparently we are, so far, a big success story at the office and model bedrest patients. Not something we thought we’d be famous for. So - still on bedrest – 56th consecutive day and cumulatively the 98th or so total. While it remains ‘serious’ (we need 4 more weeks for optimal respiratory function), today was a banner day b/c we safely reached both 30 weeks and 3 lbs. Critical milestones for Baby B.

I’m attaching this mornings “30 week” pic*

(*no babies were harmed during photo taking. Mom standing up for no more then 5 minutes…)

Ps: Huge thanks to Pam who stays with us Monday afternoons through Thursday mornings each week, Jan who comes in to clean and make lunch Thursdays (and prays for us daily at mass) and my sister Michelle for Fridays. Having someone come here daily is the only way we could have done this and it’s what’s keeping Baby B safe and snug …. and Mr. B employed :o).THANK YOU!

I - Heart - Tomato Soup subtitled The First Full Day At Home With Our Sleepover Helper

I asked her to make soup.

Her: Where’s the pan
Me: Oh, under that cabinet. pointing I think so anyway, I haven't, um, been in there in a while. chuckle
Her: here?
me: yes
So she looks under the cabinet and says, judgementally, rather scathingly "Well, you don't have any small pans. Your pans are all too big"

I’m like "I’m sorry. We do have one, it must be in the dishwasher"
She continues to rummage under the counter.

me: apologetically I'm sorry, it should be there but really, if it's not, check the dishwasher. I think they are clean, Doug did a load last night. I'm just not sure where things are these days.

Her: opens the dishwasher and says “here it is”
me: great
Her: It's dirty
me: I'm sorry, he did dishes last night, I assumed it was clean. He must have emptied it and reloaded
Her: Well, it's dirty
me: um, well, sorry, i cant really get up to see what's going on in there. Could you maybe wash it...?

wash wash wash
Pan is placed on stove.

Her: I need a spoon to stir it
me: sure, check the top drawer on the right
Her: here?
me: yes
Her: looking, obviously not satisfied do you have a big spoon?
me: well we have soup spoons but if you want to mix it with a larger one, they are in the containers right next to the stove
her: these ones?
me: yes
her: rummaging
me: um, one has metal, the other has plastic, I'd use the metal so it doesnt stain
her: these been have both metal and plastic
me: oh, I'm sorry, it used to be that they were seperate. Likely doug just put things away different, sorry, i havent been in there...

(repeat entire conversation 4 times adding bowls, plates, napkins and spoon for soup – where do you keep the bowls, well, this bowl has a bowl nested inside it, why do you keep the silverware here – I'd keep it there, do you have a spoon rest, is this the can opener etc…)

then it was "how do you want me to make the soup"

me: well what does it say on the can
her: add water
me: ok, well that sounds good
her: well, should I add milk?
me: hmmm, why? Does it say to add milk?
her: we add milk at home
me: ok, well, I’m lactose intolerant but thanks anyway
her: because milk makes it creamier
me: that’s great, but no. I’m good with water
her: continuing to discuss benefits of milk
me: non-committal noises followed by “oh, is that so?”
her: so should I add milk then?
me: no, really, I’m lactose intolerant but thanks anyway
her: ok, do you want me to add water?
Me: that would be great
Her: so if I add water, how much
me: well how much do the directions say to add
her: a can
me: ok, then add a can
her: when we make it at home we only add 1/2 a can
me: ok, well, I honestly am not fussy, I think I just want soup and I make it the way it says to on the can
her: well we don’t - we add milk, or half a can, so how do you want it
me: ok, well, for me, could we just make it the way it says to on the can?
Her: ok
Me: we use the PUR water filter for water, its on the sink tap
Her: is it this black thing?
Me: (nowhere in any sightline of her) I think so. Is it the black thing attached to the tap that says PUR?
Her: yes
Me: yes, then that’s it

Followed by:

Her: what do you want with your soup
Me: plain toast
Her: where do you keep the bread
Me: see right to your left, on the counter, the breadbox? It's in there
Her: is this it? (holding up bread)
Me: yes
Her: I'm going to open it with scissors
Me: oh, ok (WTF??? fine)
Her: do you want butter?
Me: no, plains fine. I'm lactose intolerant.
Me: Wait, actually, I think Doug bought margarine, can you look and see?
Her: (opening fridge) I see olivio spray
M: oh, yeah, that’s not it, that’s from before, its not that great, you can throw it away
Her: throw it away?
Me: yes
Her: well, I've always wanted to try this so I’ll take it home
Me: oh, ok, great, - you can try it here too you know
Her: well, what if I don’t like it?
Me; then you can throw it away
Her: here?
Me: or wherever, I just meant you are welcome to try it while you are staying with us – no big deal
Her: oh, I see some margarine
Me: that’s it
Her: what do you want me to do with it after I open it?
Me: just put it back in the fridge
Her: should I close the paper back up
Me: yes, that’d be great
Her: or do you have a butter dish
Me: paper is fine.We have a butter dish but we use it for butter only really.
Her: oh, well, I don’t see the butter dish

Discussion on butter dish ensues

me: well, it used to be pause You know what? You are totally stressing me out…all I wanted was soup. I picked the easiest possible thing to make b/c I thought it would be helpful. Is there any way I could just have soup?

Her: quiet...

27 Weeks ~ Dr Update subtitled Homeward Bound

Hi, just wanted to give you an update. We had our 3rd FFN and another u/s today. The ffn was negative and my c*rv*x is holding at .5mm. Another positive outcome.

The good news is that I am going home. (I will be discharged on my 31st day here, imagine!) Because Doug and I are coping so well and not showing any significant signs of stress, they are going to let me try the next two weeks at home. The deal is I have to do everything the same as I did here and come back in two weeks. The bad news is that the c*rv*x is, up to its closed part, is wide open (vs funneling).

So even though the ffn is negative, it doesn’t mean that we have carte blanche – labor could be triggered by stress or too much mobility. The “bag of waters” (love that term) could break, and I could go into labor regardless.

For those keeping track – I’ll be 28 weeks Friday and Baby B is measuring at 2.lb, 11.oz. (1219gms). We are, old school, entering the 3rd trimester and 7 months.

Personal
As a personal favor, I do want to just ask people to be circumspect in their enthusiasm! Yes, we have made it through these 4 weeks and hitting 28 is a benchmark and we are glad. But it’s not a guarantee of any sort. I appreciate all the support so I really hate to be this candid but please don’t assume because we are going home that everything is safe. I also don’t want links about preemies, stories about babies who’ve made it, assurances that it will all be all right. To be told continually that “it’s all going to work out” when even our doctors cannot assure us of that makes me feel not only invalidated but worse, like I am being a diva, a hypocrite or a hypochondriac. Fear is actually a GREAT thing in this case because it motivates us like nothing else not to “cheat” and get up! So just kind of chill out folks, we’re still hanging a bit!

Help
To help us, we may be very lucky to have my good friend Heather’s mom Pam staying with us Mon-Weds and my sister may come up on Fridays. THANK YOU!

Visitors
Believe it or not, it’s far more stressful being on bedrest at home. There’s more food prep, no towel service, no reassuring nurses, more “things to do”. So just to be brutally honest –I am going to try having no visitors for these next two weeks – including family! I know it sounds contrary to what the bedrest experts say, but because of my personality and my need to “hostess”, visitors at home actually cause more stress (parking, sitting up to chat, worrying about cleaning) then comfort. I really really need to just rest and deal with the change of being at home. Ok? Ok! Thank you

Quieting Your Inner Monologue

It's getting to the point
Where I'm no fun
anymore…
Steven Stills,1969

One of the most exhausting things about bedrest is the prolific communication.

First of all, I understand that no one gets a handbook on how to handle this - so allow me some leeway whilst we discuss. I’m asking is that you consider my perspective…

When you are first placed on bedrest, if you are very lucky people want to help. They call, they write, they stop in. And everyone is well intentioned. In fact, I suspect the entire circumference of each of the seven circles of hell could be paved with their intentions.

But people stumble. They don’t know what to say, or how to say it. And if you are evenly slightly ironic, you can’t help but cringe – and if you are at all anxious, you can't help but react.

"Well, people just don’t know what to say, so they say X”

No kidding? People don’t know what to say? No Sh*t! I'm on bedrest, I didn’t suddenly lose my mind. Heretofore I actually did communicate with others and have an inkling of said motivation.

Since I have been here, I've heard the gamut. From "I wish I could lay around all day" to "Oh I could never be on bedrest, I'd be so bored" (Yes, like boredom is the thing we are most worried about.) Also the various interpretations of “Kids aren’t really worth it” “If you waited this long, I’m surprised you bothered” and “Your child is never going to appreciate this anyway”. My absolute favorite? “Hey, let us know when you have the baby” (to which I almost replied that at that point in the pregnancy, it would be more expedient if they just checked the obituaries instead - but I digress.)

But still. Even I have my limits.

Did I tell you the story of my stepmother?

She decided.
On own.
Wholly independent of me with no reference point.
That I needed "cheering up"? (I didn’t, I’m pretty upbeat).

She sent an email to her outlook database letting them know that a) I was in the hospital and b) to feel free to drop me a note, call, connect… and better, to space it out, to surprise me, often, and frequently - so I had "lots of little things to break up my day"

She gave out my tel, my cell, my email, my room number..... but didn’t tell me. That would "ruin" the surprise. Instead I found out when her old boss called.

I called her, probing. Was there something she wanted to tell me? Had she set an email out by any chance? To which she blithely replied that "Yes, she had." Ho hum. I vaguely (stunned) replied “Oh, I wish I had known” to which she informed me that it was, essentially, for my own good. Because I would need to be, her words, “distracted”.

I was, in my words, not happy.

But I couldn’t SAY anything (I tried) because I was “being mean” and she was “just trying to help". So in addition to having a unknown quantity of random (or select?) strangers contact me, now I had to be gracious about it. I talked for 40 minutes (albeit to a charming man) but one I neither knew, nor cared about prior, then I had to THANK him for calling.

It's not "being pregnant, being in the hospital, being hormonal*".

*Why is it btw, when you are legitimately angry when pregnant you are immediately dismissed as being hormonal? I mean, doesn’t that just smack of “Woman can’t be President because they get their periods”?

Sigh

The issue is that it’s actually HARD staying focused in every conversation and putting the energy into active listening, active participation, being "charming" etc. I talk to 4 different nurses a day, 1 doctor, my mom, my sister, select friends, and it's a strain to "remember" the details of each conversation. NO ONE talks this much! I talk more now then I did in 7 years of planning events!

I tried to relay this feeling to my mother and her hubby one fine Saturday. To which my mother’s husband intolerantly stated simply: “Well, just don’t answer the phone then".

Ok.
Point taken.
I’ll try not answering.

About 2 days later my mother calls at 7:30 pm. I was sleeping. When I woke up, I thought "oh, I’ll call her tomorrow, i don't NEED to call everyone right back, she understands...". (subliminally referencing conversation not two days past)

The next a.m. I was on my cell with my friend Heather. Two other calls cut in, I answered both. Suddenly the nurse comes in - my mother CALLED the nurse’s station "just to make sure everything was all right". The nurse informed me that my mother stated that she "called and called" (hmmm?) and that I "wasn’t picking up" (huh?). So the nurse comes in, SEES me on the phone and reprimands me for worrying my mother. HELLO! Boundary issues????

It’s a catch 22. I appreciate the support, the hearing from people.
It's just that it’s a dilemma - if you tell someone you are tired, they never call you again. Then others call every day b/c they worry you are lonely. Sometimes you love it, like if it's my sister, other times you are ready to scream. I want to say "LISTEN. Where are your boundaries people? If we didn't talk to everyday before, do we really need to talk every day now?"

Ah, I could go on and on.
but why?

btw, we took care of the telephone issue by disconnecting the room phone.

Guilt Quicky Overcome

About 3 days ago, I posted an entry about Visiting.

Visiting 101.

And I felt just terrible after. As if I had sharpened my wit at some poor soul's expense. Well, yes, it WAS all quasi true but it was not one specific action, or person. It was inspired by a true story...

I confess, at times, an action I found reprehensible in one person was completely acceptable in another. Like the eating thing. BUT I knew also that I could never truly satisfy my vanity by sharing my blog because I was too afraid someone would see themselves.

yes, well, that lasted until 6:03 pm this evening.


From: "betty"
Sent: Saturday, March 10, 2007 6:02 PM
To: "my email"
Subject: (no subject)

Hi
I was sorry to hear you are bedridden for the rest of your pregnancy! That sucks! Now is probably a good time to figure out a way to make money on the internet or something you can do online. Maybe take up a craft, crocheting , or scrapbooking for the baby? Let me know if there is anything I can help with, or tell Barbara** and we will take care of it. I know how you feel, I had placenta privia with my daughter and could not do anything. With my son it was worse and was in the hospital at least 4 times a week with ultrasounds and other wonderful tests. Hang in there the end result is well worth the effort.
Talk to ya soon!
"Betty"

Just for a minute I wanted to reply…

Dear Betty,

Thanks so much for your email. It sounds like you have lots of great ideas for how I should spend my time! And here I was thinking about resting and taking it easy… Especially knowing that a preemie is on the way and we’ll need strength for that. Lazy lazy!

You are so right that I should take lemons and turn them into lemonade. If I’m just going to sit on my ass, at a minimum I should try to engage in some productive activity that fuels the economy. Needless consumerism generating at home clutter is JUST the ticket and I think scrapbooking is the perfect solution.

Whew. Additionally, I’m so glad you know “how I feel”. I had not realized that you were hospitalized during your pregnancies and on bedrest for 11 weeks out of the 21 you “knew” you were pregnant. It’s not often I meet other people who have also spent almost 50% of their pregnancies laying down so I’m glad to have a confidant. I’ll have to ask you sometime how you coped with losing one of the two pregnancies that implanted, your ER visits and if you also got Ambian for your nightmares! I can only imagine going to the Dr. 4 times a week - that sucks! I’m lucky that I have in room monitoring every four hours and can just take a wheelchair to my appointments. Remind me not to look that gift horse in the mouth!

Anyway, enough about me, right? I can’t thank you enough for getting in touch these 40 days after I was placed on strict bedrest with your terrific ideas. I’m just sad that you won’t be going through some sort of surgery yourself so I can return the favor. You know what though; you’ve given me a great idea! I know a guy that just had hip surgery, and I bet he’d love this type of advice. Why don’t I give you his home number, his cell number and his personal email and you guys can touch base! I won’t tell him though – he could use the surprise. (Besides, the doctor says not to “baby” his hip. I’m sure getting up and down for the phone will be good for him, just like therapy…)

Well, I’m off. Times a’ wasting. I’m going to check out amazon.com to see if they deliver craft supplies.

Take care!

via email ~ Dr Appt Update - do not fwd

Hi, just wanted to give you an update.
We had our 2nd ffn and another u/s today. The ffn was negative. That’s a huge indicator that we will not likely go into labor in these next two weeks. Further, my c*rv*x is still at .5mm!

Translation? While it’s still just as serious, today’s news is that we’ve had no setbacks, we have a negative ffn and Baby B is growing! Measuring at 1lb14oz, just shy of the 2lbs that dramatically increases the survival odds.

We had the best possible outcome we could get in a visit at this juncture.

The other good news is that my sister Michelle bought me a perfect long sleeve maternity hooded sweatshirt and I’m not wearing the same clothes as I always do! Yippee!

I’m attaching a fairly cute pic of 24 weeks – which you all saw – and then me today at 26. I look like the US magazine “stars without makeup” issue. In my defense, it’s hard to dry your hair lying down!

(the 24 weeks is the day I was admitted – for comparisons sake!)

Politically Correct Chick Parts

Incompetent
Main Entry: in•com•pe•tent
Pronunciation: in-käm-pə-tənt
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle French incompétent, from in- + compétent competent
Date: 1595
1: not legally qualified
2: inadequate to or unsuitable for a particular purpose
3 a: lacking the qualities needed for effective action b: unable to function properly
www.miriam-webster.com


Incompetent cervix. That’s what it’s called when your cervix is “too weak to stay closed during a pregnancy” “abnormally liable to dilate”.

An Incompetent Cervix.

Which seems, you know, unnecessarily cruel. I mean, yes, things aren’t working out but there’s no need for name calling. I’m sure at one time or another; we’ve all dropped the ball. How would you like to be referred to as the Incompetent Bookkeeper? Or the Incompetent Child Care Specialist? It's not really performance inspiring now, is it?

If I was the cervix I’d be so demotivated. Day after day hearing people refer to you as Incompetent. People blaming you, decrying you, measuring you then clucking over your inadequacy. Why go on, really?

My doctor referred to it the other day instead as “Insufficient”. Which was sort of nice. It feels much more sympathetic. Like a break-up.

“It’s not you, it’s me. You’d be a great cervix for someone else. We just aren’t meeting each others needs”

Visiting 101

I think I'm going to start a bedrest handbook.
Chapter One - Visiting Tips

TIP ONE - USING THE PHONE
If you are going to visit the hospital, please call and tell the "patient" when you are going to come.

TIP TWO - FIGURE OUT AN APPROXIMATE WINDOW OF TIME
Try to avoid calling at 9am on Saturday before you start your day of whirlwind errands and tossing off "I’m thinking of coming to see you today" and then:
a) never showing up
b) showing up 7 hours after you called and assuming that the first call was sufficient notice.
A nurse explained this phenomenon to me. Something happens when you are in the hospital. People know you can't go anywhere so they don’t observe the same courtesies as if they were coming to your house. If you are going to visit, call, and try to pinpoint a time.
c) showing up between appts and telling said patient how "busy" you were today and said patient was squeezed in
Believe me, the patient knows you are busy. He or she was likely busy too before s/he were admitted. Chances are they s/he isn’t in the hospital for a lobotomy and s/he both gets the effort you made to come in and doesn’t need to be reminded of your supreme sacrifice.

TIP THREE - USING THE PHONE #2
Even if you DID pick a time, call from downstairs when you get there anyway. Your patient may be hooked up to something, in the bathroom, whatever and needs time to adjust. That tiny little tap on the door you make before you push the door open just doesn't cut it.


TIP FOUR - FINE DINING
Like most Americans, you probably can't go anywhere without food. Yes, it's been almost an hour since you have had access to food. God forbid one doesn't eat at every social gathering. Maybe you were rushing to get there and you were so "busy" you didn't eat? There is something positively Pavlovian about a hospital. "Oh a visit? We should eat."
DON'T.
Unless you called, see #'s 1 and 3 above, and the patient said "sure".
DON'T bring your dinner. DON'T walk in chirping “oh I haven’t eaten yet” and then proceed to unpack your paper take-out sack. DON'T place your food on the radiator, chair, tray table, foot of the bed, then proceed to feast like the last supper all the while talking. You do know that from the laying down position, most mouths are eye level? I assure you, the patient is not interested in seeing the food rolling in your mouth, or hearing you talk through it.

TIP FIVE - SANITATION ENGINEER
If you must eat or throw away the take-out that you ate BEFORE you came, your coffee cup, etc., DON'T throw your trash in the rooms trash. For most patients, trash is emptied once a day. In the morning. Whatever you throw away, the patient is going to smell for the next 12 hours.

TIP SIX - SANITATION EXPERT
There should be hand sanitizer near your patient's room door. Use it. There are germs are over you, your hands, your clothes, the elevator buttons you pushed to walk in the room, the handle on the door you opened to walk in. Likely that guy from Oprah could do the cotton swab test on you and you'd be rife with feces. You are one big nasty germ and the patient is the Iran Hostage to your Typhoid Mary.

TIP SEVEN - SHIRLEY TEMPLE AUDITIONS ARE NOT BEING HELD IN THE HALL
Keep your kids with you. The kitchen isn't a field trip, the halls aren't a track meet, and the cavernous hallways are not for your little darlings dulcet tones. No matter how cute your kid is, some other patient already hates him.

TIP EIGHT - GIFT BAGS ARE NOT GRAB BAGS subtitled HOSPITAL ROOMS ARENT RUMMAGE SALES
Try not to rifle through the patients things. Things in the patient’s room belong to them, and just because limited space necessitates that those items are on display, it doesn’t mean they are for your consumption or your perusal. Get well cards, gift bags, closets, bathrooms and bedside drawers are off limits. And lord knows, you're hungry right? Ask before you eat their snacks.

TIP NINE – THIS ISN’T A POPULARITY CONTEST
Does it really matter to you who else has come up to visit? Ask yourself why.

TIP TEN – ENQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW
If you normally demonstrate your care by expressing an interest through a series of questions, never is this a more inappropriate time. Questions such as “What did the Dr say” or “Do they (the ubiquitous “they”) know why this happened?” Inevitably, these questions lead to one of two scenarios:
1. the patient is forced to relive his or her appointments, medical history, prognosis and feelings about said prognosis to satisfy your curiosity (I’m fairly certain the patient already is aware of all this information so the sole purpose of repeating it is because you either nosy, or too lazy to look it up on the internet)
2. the patient is forced to listen to your subsequent platitudes as to “gods will”, “everything will work out” and “everything happens for a reason” or some derivative there of
And finally, the answer to “Do they know why this happened?”
Yes. They do. It’s because the patient is a bad person.

TIP ELEVEN – WWYD
The patient will not likely care What You Would Do. Try to avoid dispensing advice that begins with “If I were in your situation…”. While it’s highly unlikely that you are going to be in the same exact situation, it is fairly likely that your life experiences, personality, and general attitude are going to be dramatically different. The patient will not find your speculating interesting but will instead likely offer to trade spaces to give you the opportunity to display your poise and control over the situation.

And finally (and my personal favorite)

TIP TWELVE – BORED GAMES
The patient will be sorry to hear in any variation how bored you’d be if it were you. The patient wants to assume that you are bright. If you choose to profess the fact that you are neither self-aware enough nor self-entertaining enough to occupy your own mind, the patient is not likely to find you very interesting either. hances are, if the patient is in the hospital for any length of time, it’s fairly serious. And “being bored” is the furthest thing from their mind.