In real time, present day, I hardly get asked any more.
When I was leaving, the big boss said "She'll be back in a year."
You won't be able to stand it.
You'll be bored.and many variations thereof.
I didn't care. In same ways, odd a it sounds, my pregnancy was idyllic. What else could knock seven years completely out of my mind?
Was I good at my job, hell ya. Excellent in fact. Not to say there wasn't room to grow, or for me personally to grow. but I was fantastic at what I did.
So now I'm a stay at home mom.
We were out to dinner a few weeks ago and I saw two woman, former peers, with their respective partners. One couple: newlyweds, both still working, living in the heart of the city, waterfront condo, gym memberships dueling with monthly parking rates; the other couple: similarly tracked, about to be engaged.
And for the first time with them, I felt the divide.
Oh sure, I've gotten it at stores, at concerts. Someone finds out I stay home and the face shutters shut. They "know" now what type of person I am.
I was surprised to experience the disconnect with friends.
So I replayed the conversations at home and here's what I came up with.
In general.
When I ask you what you do all day, or how your job is going, your reply, your stories, your subject matter are all about the product you produce and the peers you produce it with. If I am interested, you can regale me with tales of office politics, manipulations, intrigue. We can talk about your companies prospects, your relative success there and you five year plan.
When you ask what I do, I say (and this is because I'm evolved and don't need to say "Well, I USED to")- I say "I'm home full time with my daughter" Now, what I've noticed is that's where the conversation turns. That's where you stop and ask me about my daughter. How old she is, her name, when she was born. Then it dead ends.
And here's why.
It's boring.
Not being a stay at home mother. That's not boring at all. What's boring is you asking my questions about her. Specifically. Because she's 20 months old. And even if she was training to be a Chinese gymnast, it'd still be boring. Because you don't care. And frankly, I know all about her and I don't care to discuss her.
So at some point in the conversation you've decided "Oh, she stays home full time." You're imagining your days off on weekends and assuming my everyday is like that. It's all wine and roses, bon bons on the couch, pjs all day and cutting people off in my minivan.
Fine really. Because I know the truth. And further, I know you don't.
Being home full time can be a full time job - if you are doing it right. And no. I'm not going to go on and say "It's the same thing." "It's the toughest job you'll ever love." "Sometimes it's EASIER to go to work."
Please.
All I'm saying is this. It's not all that different from working for The Man.
You work 8 to 5, fine. I work the same hours. She wakes up at the same damn time every day.
I don't have to deal with coworkers? Sure I do. Other Parents. Who else do you think is at the library, the gym, the playgroup, the story time at the bookstore.
Your time is your own. You don't have a boss. Whhooo ha. Yes. Lets be honest, shall we? The breadwinning spouse? The boss.
You don't have to deal with commuting. Um, yes I do. I leave the house. We go places. On the same roads you do. At approximately the same time.
Listen. I have a product (heretofore referred to as Ellie), I have timelines, I have deliverables. I have a boss, in the sense that my husband actually does want to know what I did all day and expects certain shit that falls within, his words
"my purview", to be done. I have a set wake-up time, a dress code, standing meetings that occur weekly. I have a huge array of coworkers, some I like, some I dislike. I have shit not mommy related that I do and just because it’s not traded on the S&P, doesn’t mean it’s not legitimate.
Interestingly enough, my current coworkers have far more at stake then my former coworkers. When you work for The Man there's a chain of command. If something needs to be mediated, you all are in agreement as to who the "boss" is and who can pull rank. Not out here. Out here, in the land of parenthood, everyone is the head of their company. Their word is law, and people are vested in what they stand behind. Because otherwise, hey, if you back down from your principles, everyone knows your kids going to be the class bully. So the compromise you get in corporate America (be it "You take this one Hal" or "Fuck it, they don't pay me enough") the compromise of people walking away from their need to be right happens far less frequently. Ever been on a committee with a stay at home parent? Eight people on a committee. Each one independently operating as a silo daily. Now deciding to do something with no formal accountability at the end except the consensus of a majority.
If your at work and Joe from Leaning Resources is a prick, you pretty much know that Joe’s a prick, and you’ll see him for the duration of a project and you tune out when you get back to your desk. Well, same thing every Thursday at Jenny’s house. Drea is a tool and her kid is a monster and if you want to stay playing somewhere every Thursday until spring thaw, you’ll be listening to Drea’s sanctimonious parenting tips for the next 9 weeks. Deal.
Sure, I interact with heads of households vs departments but the results are the same, autocrats, with limited numbers of employees, who think their way is right, who’s objective is to do whats best for their division.
People are people my friend, brick and mortar or no.
And my stories are just as interesting.
