I'm not one of those people who has ever had "good" friends.
I really haven't and it saddened me for years.
At times I've been exceptionally close to one specific people, as intimate as can be within the bounds of a nonsexual relationship, and in those moments, I certainly felt like I had a "dear" friend but from where I stand today, looking "cumulatively"...
I don't have a Sex in the City group of friends. Nor do I have "I met her in "kindergarten" friends and I certainly don't have "We were college roommate" friends. Frankly, I'm just not all that easy. Oh sure, I'm organized, capable, supportive. I'm direct, I'm intelligent. I'm craving my coffee so I'll be right back....
I'm back. Where was I?
Oh, I'm all sorts of good things but I'm not really a "easy" friend. Nor am I one to turn a blind eye to faults. (I take the words "Be honest with me" pretty literally.)
As I grew into my 20s and early 30s, I found that I didn't have that casual rapor that allows for light socializing with a crowd. I was, and remain, more the confide and dissect type. And as such, I always attracted at least ONE person who I became, hmm, almost obsessively (and mutually) close to. Close like twelve phone calls a day, close like sleep in the same bed vs on the couch, or in the case of one, shower together after the beach because we were in so much of a hurry to get to the bar. I always had a friend that I was thicker then thieves with. Not the same friend, but a series of friends. I know, this sounds like I'm in conflict, "I never had friends but I always had a friend" right? But when I think about those relationships, they weren't so much friendships as this sort of crazed obsessive one on one relationship with no boundaries. And the common thread, also in hindsight, is that I was friends with woman who were either in conflict, in transition, or in need.
Oh please, I wasn't a rescuer, truly, but what I was was someone with endless energy, no spouse, and unlimited time to dissect, to analyze and to listen. And, honestly, I was (and remain) ridiculously smart. My brain enjoys the stimulation of analysis. So I was a great friend to have. I liked music, drinking and dancing, I was attractive enough to play wing man yet not a threat. I was willing to drive an hour to hear a band, and basically never bitched about headaches, backaches, or other aches. I could talk endlessly about them and I had unlimited time to spend with them.
Inevitably, that kind of intimacy has to end. Either the crisis passes, or a man comes in to fill the void. Or the confider got stronger and realized I had witnessed their worse and wanted to move on/away. Or worse, I thought I could be equally frank. Did you know acceptance does not go both ways? Neither does Narcissism?
In all cases - I had a lot of endings. For a long time I was confused, then hurt. How could I go from being someones BFF to someones byproduct? "Here's your hat, what's your hurry". I finally accepted that I wasn't meant to be friends "forever" with these woman. That forever friends were made in kindergarten, and college, and that, at this point, I'd be getting everyone else's leftover friends anyway. All the good friends, like all the good guys, were taken.
Bitter, table for one?
The last one was the worse. The very worse. Because I actually liked and trusted this one. And we were older. To be honest I didn't respect her, but I admired her. And she was cool. So imagine my surprise when she dumped me? God, I'm just so much, um, BETTER then her. Not as talented, not as smart, maybe even not as pretty, but not such a pathetic whiner and a woe is me-er. I was shocked that she could just end it all so quickly given she was getting the better deal.
Anyway, why am I bringing this up? Excellent question.
After meeting Doug, having Ellie, and living life, I have rewritten my definition of friend. And she wasn't a good one.
I fired a "friend" today. By US Postal Service. We weren't real friends. She laid claim to the title and I didn't disabuse her of the notion. But I never liked her. I started my pattern. I listened, I emailed, I was "involved". I thought I'd grow to like her as she had a good heart. But we became friends because she wanted me vs. I her. I just recently decided that I can't stand her. I really can't. And that I really hate talking to her. Or more specifically listening to her. So I wrote her a Dear Jane. Then I felt sick with guilt remembering the above mentioned "friend' that hurt me.
So I checked the blog of said "friend", and guess what, her boyfriend dumped her. With no reason, no warning, and no means to make amends. She's bereft. Heartsick. She's wondering how someone could do that. I'm wondering if I should send her her email from 4 years ago?
I'm glad she's hurt. I'm glad she's feeling pain. I'm glad that something was taken from her. It's karma. Why do bad things always happen to her, she wonders. Because simply, she's not a good person. She wasn't then and I let myself feel bad about me over it. Years later we are, and instead of being charitable, I'm childish enough to be gleeful. And maybe I'll get a universe flag for excessive celebration and then I'll have to rework my own karma but simply put, HA. Ha on you. Ha you are hurt. Good. You sucked. You suck. Ha.
Relationships are complicated. And apparently I have a lot of free time to think about it.
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