Navigating

I'm thinking tomorrow I'm going to change a few things.

Tomorrow Ellie is, officially, 18 months. So it's a benchmark of sorts, a year and a half, and further, time to reevaluate.

Am I ready to move on? Am I tired of this particular way of participating in my life?

I think so.
I think I'm ready to look at what comes next.

I'm ready to migrate away from the relentless parenting I see some of my peers engaged in. I'm not that interested in perfect parenting. I've dedicated day and night, mind and soul to her first 18 months...and the 9 before. We go out daily. Library, circle time, field trips, gynastics. She's 18 months old and I'm burnt out.
I'm ready to start thinking about a life outside of Ellie. Do I want to cook? Be fit? Be a tennis player? Start working again? I don't know. But I know that I'm ready to be LESS active as a parent and more active in rediscovering myself.

I'm also ready to worry less about relationships. I care about my family and friends. I do what's best for me, for them and often the reverse - for them, then me. And lastly Doug. So I think it's time to worry less about relationships and take that energy back and put it into thing that are going to move us all forward. If my friends are my friends, we'll find a way to stay close. But right now, honestly, I need to get the paperwork in the office filed. I've spent enough time maintaining relationships.

I'm thinking its time too to have less guilt. Less for me, and less listening to it. I'm tired of analysis, of overthinking, of massaging, of benchmarking. I'm tired of having conversations where the underlying thread is trying to pinpoint "the 'right' way to do things as a parent." I'm looking for some nice negligent mommy experiences. Let the little fuckers bang their heads a bit. Climb on the chair. Grab the toy. When you get your ass handed back to you, you'll learn not to grab. I intend to steer clear of situations designed for discussing. Call it Circle Jerks and Mommy Maturbating if you will. I'm done. I don't care how you get Tyler to nap, or Josiah to eat peas. I live with my kid all day. Tell me something I don't already have an opinion about. Entertain me. I'm a good mother. She's fine. Let's talk about tv then, shall we? A couple of weeks ago my two friends and I stayed at the park when it rained. No child was harmed. I'm ready for more of that and less developmental stages talk. I really don't care. She'll raise herself frankly.

And fianlly, I'm tired of all the mommy drama. Further still, I'm tired of the inadvedent (or otherwise) part I play. So to that end, I'm over worrying about placating people. They want to get all in a twist because they are lonely, sad, bored. Too bad. I'm tired of playing the clown to the sounds of your dysfuctional marching band. Find another cheerleader.

Instead, I'm going to focus on finding a nice biscotti recipe and my holiday shopping.
Maybe work on my abs a bit.
Do more flashcards with Ellie.