Through the Looking Glass

Yesterday I was at my mother's. Ellie had finished eating, and I decided to change her shirt - and onesie - both wet from watermelon juice and no bib. Into my bag I went, and pulled out a red long sleeve bodysuit, with a turtleneck, and a white, short sleeve cotton blouse, embroidered at the neck with red and teal flowers. The blouse was a gift from her other grandmother, late season, but appreciated. It'll be too small next year. Lately I've been using the white blouse as a smock style top, or some might say a middy blouse.

It's cute.

Added to that I have red socks and a red bow. So off came her white cap sleeve onesie and her green floral thermal henley. Off came her yellow polka dot socks. On went the rest.

My husband changed her. And while he's adapt at undressing her or changing her for bed, he's not as efficient at getting her dressed. Overall he does a great job, he's just not going to be the bagger in the express checkout if you know what I mean.

So he changes her into the bodysuit, pulls up the jeans, and gives her the new socks. I forgo the bow because I know shes playing outside.

She's fussing a bit - more based on his competency and the lack of a nap then anything else.

My sister and mother are watching avidly.

Right as he goes to put the middy blouse on, my sister and mother, virtually in unison, chime "Why does she need that?"

"Why do you care?" came out of my mouth.
Seriously, like a shot.
Just popped out.

I wasn't mad, annoyed, anything, just point blank "why do you care?"

And neither answered. My sister, upon seeing the final package, said "Aha. I see. It changes the outfit." Which it does.

What wasn't said was a derivative of the following:

My sister believes that kids should be dressed like kids. they should be comfortable, play, get dirty, be human. Nothing appalls her more then someone dressing their baby like a doll, a mini me or a princess. She can't stand precocious dressing (think Bratz dolls and miniskirts on 2 year olds)

It's anathema to her.
Parenthetically, I get some of my best parenting ideas from my sister so I don't disagree.

My mother is just being critical. "She's comfortable. She's a kid. she doesn't need to look all dressy."

Of course she doesn't need to.
And actually, she isn't.

Ellie looks nice.

Mostly because I have good taste. I don't spend a lot of money (I yardsale, I use hand-me-downs and I go to Target and Walmart.) What I do have though is a good eye. So, yes, Ellie does quite frequently looks...how you say?...posh. And no, Ellie won't be wearing just any top with any pants.

She's coordinated,
and accessorized.
If by a bow and color matching I mean accessorized.

Absolutely.

But I allow her to play in her clothes. they are all breathable, flexible, movable and they are allowed to get dirty. She can run, slide, roll, crawl and eat with the best of them. Nothing is sacred. It's just clean. I pretreat and I wash.

Why then? I think is being asked.

Perhaps you think I'm trying to be a Stepford mom? or worse, a Newton/Wellesley/Duxbury/Marblehead Hannah Anderson/Lilly P mom.

Nope.

Perhaps you think I think Ellie needs to be well presented because it's a reflection on my parenting?

Nope.

Ask me why then? Ask me because I'm dying to tell you.

Gee Deb, why do you care about her clothes?
Oh, I'm so glad you asked.

Clothing is part of being disciplined. Waking up, brushing your teeth, practicing good grooming habits - those skills are fundamental to being successful throughout your life. Why NOT teach her to appreciate and wear nice things? Isn't that what they are for? Why NOT instill in her an appreciation for order, for symmetry, for a beautiful aesthetic? She's ALREADY getting dressed. Pants. A T. A shirt. So what's the big deal if they match. At best it adds 2 extra minutes.

Add to that the VALUE of looking nice. As you enter the real world, right or wrong, you are perceived by others, then evaluated. Judged if you will. After someone makes an assessment of you, their attitude towards you will reflect that assessment. When Ellie looks nice, people respond to her better. There is more positive attention - cooing, smiling, effusive greetings. When Ellie walks into a room, a store, a doctors office, and she is well presented, people respond not just in words, but in attitude and actions. Their faces are more open, their behavior more solicitous. They say hello. They engage both she and I in conversation. So what Ellie experiences is a world that is friendly, engaging and full of people who are positive. That in turns instills in her self confidence and self assurance. All because she LOOKS nice. All because I look nice.

If Ellie falls down, in her jeans, middy blouse, and turtleneck, and another mother sees it happen - there is an instant, infinitesimal assessment that happens. "Am I going to step in? Is the mother approachable? Do I really want to touch this kid?" - So she looks at Ellie - and lo and behold, Ellie looks nice. Thus she is perceived as being a well cared for (ie CLEAN) little girl. That mother smiles and is MORE APT to pick her up, comfort her, coddle her. If Ellie was to fall down in say, a pink sparkly barbie ski coat with a matted fur hood, white stretch pants that are pilly on the ass and black sneakers from her brother, well, she may get picked up but likely not held and cuddled for the same lenth of time.

We all respond to "beauty."

Fair? I'm not saying so. My perspective? Absolutely. Ridiculous? Most assuredly.

Well that's not true, you protest. If I see Ellie all upscale and decked out, that would turn me off. If she came into MY playroom looking like that, I'd assume her mother was a snob. A bitch. or worse, a Newton/Wellesley/Duxbury/Marblehead Hannah Anderson/Lilly P mom.

Sure, yah. I run the risk of someone thinking I'm a snob because she "matches." Someone thinking I'm shallow. But that's the world Ellie is being raised in. We ARE a white, middle class professional couple in a suburban community with little diversity and too much emphasis on child development, driving an SUV. That's who we ARE. So that's how she's going to look. Is that a bit elitist? Yes. It is. I own it. I'm aware of it. Thanks.

Oh I'm sure someone reading this is horrified. All children deserve love, all kids should be picked up when the fall.

Sure. Yes.

And all people should love people "For Who They Are" not what they look like. Um hmm. So lets just completely eradicate NATURE while we are at it. Please. Don't be naive. EVERYONE picks things based on it's level of attractiveness - to THEM. I personally don't care HOW your kid is dressed, but I, at least, will own that I will RESPOND to your kid based how he's dressed. And if you aren't honest enough to admit your own prejudices, then you live in your world, and I'll stay firmly ensconced in mine, and I'll call you, alright?

Ohhh, you say. Arent't you being a conformist? So basically you are teaching Ellie to follow the leader, to dress as expected, to be one of many not an individual.
Damn straight, I say. Because I believe that the key to being successful lies from making change from WITHIN. I'm raising a spy if you will. I'll dress her like the others so she can gain acceptance, then once she's accepted, she can dominate with her intellect. Just like Daddy. What's wrong with that?


In all seriousness, listen, I actually believe in some of the theories of the Montessori method. I practice them out of genuine belief that they are true, not because I think it's trendy. I believe in being disciplined, I believe in presentation, I believe in beauty and that we like to be surrounded, we the human animal, by what is beautiful. And that's not knick knacks and frou frou bows. It's just away of living. It's the same reason I compulsively organize and meticulously dustbust. I believe that there is a "right" way to live - it's repeated in feng shui, in Montessori, in the Christian Scientist teachings, it's even in Emily Post for god's sake - and it's all about order and beauty and discipline.

Ellie IS allowed to be a little girl,
just not the little matchgirl.