Cain & Abel, Jacob and Esau. The bible is not very kind to twins.
I abhor my child's name. At first I worried that I wasn't bonding with him. That perhaps I didn't love him the same. That I was playing favorites, choosing sides. I just didn't feel any surge of... affection... when I said his name. No feeling of homecoming. Just blank. And angry. And finally, I guess weeks ago but given his very short time on the planet, it must have been soon after his birth, I realized. I don't hate HIM at all. I simply hate his name. Phew.
We named him under duress. The militant Asian woman from last time, demanding a signature, demanding a name. My husband grabbed the last two we discussed, one I had chosen as my son's "inside" name but not one I expected him to bear outside. He filled out the documents while I was in a morphine induced haze, then had my sign them shakily while under sedation. And now I hate the name. I.HATE.THE.NAME. And I mean really. And everyone keeps saying to keep it. It's too late, it's what I named him, it's on his social security card, it's confusing, and day after day I really REALLY fucking hate the name. And the more time that passes, the less affectionately I view my son. I mean, not inapplication , but in gentle words Because I simply cannot call him by his name. I resent being forced into a name I hate. I FUCKING HATE. I talked to Doug, I asked him if he would be willing to switch the name and he said no. So now I'm thinking about refusing to hold him at night. During the day that little sweet baggage will be held, swaddled cuddled and rocked till the cow, ok, bull, dare I say Stud comes home. But because my husband refuses to take my point (ie You named him without me while I was still under the influence of drugs... and then I was coerced into naming him a name neither of us liked but you thought i loved...) Meh. I can't explain. It just feels...symptomatic of our relationship. If I say something bothers me, my husband negates it over and over until we have a huge blowout fight - because it's only then that he sees that it bothers me.
So maybe if I refuse to hold my son for once my husband will LISTEN to me?
That's just fucked up.
To be honest though, I feel like my husband should understand that using a name I hate is coming between us.
All of us.
2 comments:
my parents changed my name twice afer bringing me from the hospital. It was no problem to change the paperwork, I just don't have an original birth certificate with my name on it. No problem.
A friend of mine hates her son's name too, and she never calls him by it. Her husband picked it out while she was in C-section recovery. She calls him Nate, his name is John.
Finally, I hated my son's name for about a year. So I called him Baby.
I think I hated it because I didn't pick it, despite the fact that I did most of the work to make him.
Doug named him w/o your consent. Can't you go un-name him w/o Doug's consent? Seriously. What does it take? So paperwork? A trip to city hall? Unless Doug needs to be physically PRESENT somewhere to get it changed I propose you just do it and tell HIM to live with it.
No?
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