Bring Back The Holly, and Mistletoe...

I'll admit I seem discouraged.
Depressed even.
Perhaps ungrateful.
Again, we go back to "first world problems".
Is something truly wrong?
No. Certainly not.
I think perhaps I'm just... dare I say? Lonely.
Really.
Amidst the daily interactions, the interplay of social networking, the hustle and bustle of errands, chores, and minutia...I'm missing...intimacy.
I'm missing connecting to people.

Good lord daily I talk to many and they to me. I see people - sitters, other mothers. My phone rings, my phone dials. So it's not that I crave adult conversation or companionship.
I'm craving authentic honest conversation.
Im craving commune.
Serious connection.
...with someone I know well enough to not worry where the conversation will end up.

Im tired of the banal. The park chit chat. The seeing every side of everything. good christ, cant we put a stake in the ground and express an opinion that doesn't wreak of acceptance ALL the time? Isn't anyone else tired of being pc, being polite, being fair? Could someone say, just once, that "Yes, Jenny IS kind of a douche and she made her own bed and her choices sucked." without the caveat of "Jenny had to do what was right for Jenny and Jenny's a good person, dont get me wrong" Can't Jenny, for the sake of a single moment in time, be a drug addict because she's weak-assed versus driven to it by her genetic disease and negligent parenting?
Sigh.

Im off track. Nor do I want to sit around being mean about fictitious Jenny.

Listen, Im a huge believer in wanting what you've got, and the key to happiness is not in envy, in accumulation, in desire. Im not wishing for my life to suddenly get bad - or worse for someone elses - so I can "feel", but I miss having a substantive discourse.
I suppose that why I like blogging, and reading.
My kingdom for depth. For substance. Even from myself.

I simply am missing my sister, busy after her separation with two jobs and a new partner. Im happy for her, I just miss her.
I'm missing my cousins, too far in miles to see casually, yet close enough to get to with only a little application. Not for an hour visit, but days. I'd love to sleep there, wake up there, knit with, clip coupons with, stay with. Have conversations about everything and anything.

I miss being around people I love and when I am with them, I'm sad that I'm torn 3 ways chasing small legs and dangerous tiny hands or wee lads that havent the slightest concept of physics.

I understand that some people cant have children.
I understand that my life is charmed.
I get it.
You dont need to tell me to appreciate it.
I dont need to tell myself to appreciate it.
But you can have tons of things, tons of security, and still miss human connection.
Ive never been acquisitive, not for things. Not for vacations, or toys, or ipods, or material gain.
But yes, I am greedy for closeness.

And I can't really get that 20% off at Kohls today.