Mixed Messages ~ Confusing the Issues

I'm happy with the outcome to the Presidential election. I think it's a new direction, an exciting direction - and the right choice.

I don't think one man, Republican or Democrat has so much power to make or break our country so I think either man would have managed. I like to think public outcries would have changed the course of business had we elected a Republican. But I think, moreso, having a leader that has so much fanfare? pressure? support? momentum. Momentum behind him might get people to start thinking, reacting, participating. Because we can't have Change unless people change.

I'm registered as a Democrat.
I'm pretty sure it was because in 1988 I voted for Dukakis. I never changed my status, what can I say, I like to vote in the primaries.
My husband laughs at me.
He calls me a closet conservative.

I'll confess. I like 96.9. I like Laura Ingram. I've occasionally thought "Yes, Sean Hannity, you DO have a point there" I'm ok with most Republicans. I voted for Bush, both of them, and I'm still, despite everything, ok with that choice. Choice. Not the outcome. The choice.

Our country was on a slippery slope and I'm not convinced that Al Gore could have done better thank you very much.
The man fake bakes. Please.

I've also voted for Clinton.
And Kerry.
I listen to NPR
I believe in social programs and am prochoice.
I support childcare ratios. I believe, to a degree, in a brand of socialism. Doing what's right for most. I'm overall, pretty liberal. With both a lower case as well as upper case L.

So I'm not cavalier, or flippant.
I'm not a waffler. Or a party come lately.
I take my politics seriously.
I just recognize that there are two sides to every story, two ways of thinking, and that nothing is absolute.
So I don't get all het up.

I've voted now in 6 presidential elections.
20 years of voting.
88 - Democrat
92 - Republican
96- Democrat
00 - Republican
04 - Democrat
which brings me to 08.

By record, A Republican year for me. Had there been a good candidate, I would have been excited. I'll grant that President Huckabee was a bit folksy but I was ready for it. Provided the party had changed. Because overall, I'm also in favor of hard work, family values (albeit modified families to include same sex marriages and single parents) and good old fashioned saving for a rainy day.

For a moment I found myself partial to Hillary, to be honest. I never thought I would. I swore for years that I'd move to Canada. I had little respect for her. Until I saw her in contrast with other candidates. Then I liked her more. I liked her more then Romney, more then McCain. I thought she'd make a great Republican candidate.

But wait.Wrong party.

So this election my choices were two. Neither exactly who I would have picked.
McCain certainly not. But Obama? Hmm. Oh I liked him. I really liked him. He's direct, bright, engaging, impassioned. I was moving in his direction pre my love affair with Hillary. But to be honest, I'd have preferred him to be a bit more of an insider. I would have liked a bit more politics as usual. Because I do believe, when the spotlight dims, it's an awful big machine for one man to move on his own. Sometimes change is best effected from the inside. Shhh, there's a spy among us.

My worry was that Obama was too up and up. Too nice a guy. that he'd be ineffectual.
People thought Hillary was sneaky. Conniving. I thought "But don't we sort of want a president to be a little underhanded?"

People get up in arms when their rights are taken away. "I don't want the president to lie to me, I don't want to be spied on. I don't want secrets in government." Hmm. You know, to a degree, I do. If you need to do something duplicitous to put our nation first, to a certain degree I'm ok with that. Don't be so scrupulous that we get screwed.

My father, not correctively, but rightly pointed out to me that once you start abdicating your rights, once you open that door, you're a scant step away from allowing more and more. "Never give up civil liberties." he said.

Offtrack I am for sure.
So my father has me thinking. It's somewhat easy for me to cavalierly toss away some of my rights because Ive taken them for granted. I may have been born in the 60s but my growing up occurred in the eighties, and I didn't start paying attention until the 90s. By that time, while it existed - racism, sexism and prejudice were kept on the downlow. Maybe people were but my exposure was so limited that I have been blithely going along assuming that as a whole. prejudice is on the downslope.

My husband assures me that it isn't. He kisses me fondly as calls me a product of busing. "My public school honey." Because I truly, naively think that people aren't REALLY walking around hating for no reason. I mean, not here, right? Terrorists, religious fanatics, sure. But your average guy walking down the street? I think most people would save, well, most people. I genuinely don't see people in my daily life hating, truly hating, based on religion, on gender, on skin color.

But I digress. The point is, I was worried about Obama because I was afraid he was...catch me here...too nice a guy. what does that SAY about me? Us? Eek!!!

Suffice to say, in the final analysis, I live in Massachusetts and my vote is a moot point so I choose to keep silent when discussing politics.

Not because I didn't like Obama.
Not because I'm secretly tipping to the dark side of conservatism in my thinking.
Not because I was secretly planning to vote Republican.
Not because I knew I was voting Democrat regardless because McCain is just too damn old and too out of touch.

I kept silent because I didn't want to be part of the relentless fanfare. The rah rah pop mentality. The crazy fanaticism. I think there's a lot wrong with building someone so high they can never achieve half of what is expected of them. Elevating the gold pedestal so close to the sun it has no choice but to melt.

I turned the TV off for the remainder of the post election excitement because in the midst of all the celebrations I see traces of hysteria. Swarms of people saying "Now my life is going to be better. Obama's going to get me a job, pay my bills, get me healthcare. He's going to get me a tax break, and he's going to give me a chance. Obama is going to fix it all."

And that's impossible.
He can't fix it all.
Everyone has to be willing to fix it, and people are hard to change.

I don't want to wake up in four years and see a ravaged man. I don't want to see him idolized so he can be torn apart. For once I want to have a leader that we can respect. Follow. I don't want us to behave in typical American fashion where we exalt, only to destroy. Everyone loves a comeback kid, let's Hollywoodize that bad boy. Let's make him rags to riches, then reduce him to rags again. He's not Jesus. He's a man. He's just a man. (Hey, how did Andrew Lloyd Webber get in here?)

I don't want this leader destroyed. I don't. But I'm wondering if, with all the rhetoric, it's understood that he's not going to be able to "fix" things unless we too are willing to admit where we personally went wrong? And how our attitudes, and the culture we embrace are part and parcel with some of our failures.

Ask me how I feel about about therapy and the fact that nothing is anyone's fault anymore.
Ask me how I feel about "participation" trophies.
Ask me how I feel about MCAS.
Ask me how I feel about overpraising
And that's just our attitudes about kids.

I couldn't get into Bush bashing because a man is a man. He is no better or worse then the average man. He was elected by the people. Within a process that we've accepted as workable. He made mistakes, colossally stupid ones, and his mistakes have cost us ...a lot. But there are many many people in this country who could have worked towards effecting change. Grassroots involvement, talking to their congressman, their representatives. Lobbying their companies. Being a pain in the asses. Accepting less, demanding more, staging minirevolutions. Instead, a good majority sat on their couches, blogging and bitching about how Bush fucked them over. How terrible the US is. How it's all because of Bush that we are in the position we are in. They made jokes on tv, put bumper stickers on their cars, wore snarky tshirts and hung effigies.

Rather then do, we mocked. Rather then work, we whined. And now that the blame game has ended, and we all have our candidate, do we get that he's not going to fix everything for us?

One man didn't break us, and one man can't fix us.

Free At Last

So yesterday I made a simple change and it suited me.

We went, as a group to a group thing. Specifically a museum.

Everyone who went - mostly everyone - has similar parenting styles, similar attitudes, similar responses. Not that we THINK alike per se but that, wholly, none of us "care cares" about certain things. Kids eating? Great. Kids not eating? Fine. Kids playing together? Oh so sweet. Kids going seperate ways? See ya.

We went as a group but no one felt the need to participate as a group. Everyone had a chance to experience their child, on their timetable, at their speed. Some went in one room, some another. some went up while others went down. No one felt slighted, no one felt responsible for anyone else.

And, for once, I didn't either.
I didn't have to.

I sat in a room long after my friends had left because I knew my daughter enjoyed it there. I know it takes her a little longer to settle, so I took the time. Instead of rushing her to accommodate someone else's timetable, I took one half hour where I did it completely on my own timetable.

Which I never do well.
Because I'm always rushing Ellie to be polite to someone else. Or rushing myself.
Always assuaging.

Yesterday I relaxed. I trusted that my friends would assume that I was there enjoying myself. Yesterday I didn't have to host, or entertain, or smooth it over for someone. Yesterday I wasn't the facilitator. I didn't have to lead the charge, coerce the group. I didn't have to go anything but just go. And be.

And I found myself wondering, how did it take 18 months to get to this point?

But - I do realize - it took almost 18 months to build these friendships.
And that's the good thing about having the right kind of friends.

They don't sit in a corner wondering why no one is playing with them.
They don't expect someone else to solve their problems.
They don't whine about their lot in life.

They don't NEED me to be there for them.
They are their for themselves.

Which freed ME to be with Ellie.

Finally.

I've grown accustomed to her face

We went to dinner last night.

She got the shrimp appetizer. My husband the squab. Her husband the duck. I had wine.
The entree came. She had the scallops. My husband had the pork loin. Her husband did as well. Haunches so big we started looking for wenches, mead and a jouster.

They discussed candied bacon lollies.
I had the pumpkin ravioli.

We were both up sick all night.
"I can understand you " I said to my husband. "You ate a baby bird. You deserve it. But why me?"
"It wasn't a baby bird" he defended. "It was full size. They're just small"
"Ugh. Let's not SQUABble" I said.
Then I laughed.
"Really. It was disgusting. There wasn't a single animal you didn't kill for dinner last night. I'm surprised no one ordered the condor."
He laughed too.
"You and those, what are they called again? oh that's right. pesky vegetarians" he said.

I smacked him. Not hard.
After all we really weren't feeling well.

Moot Point

So I have three posts in draft. Long ones. I don't want to post them because, as my husband says, it's revisting something you are past. You understand it now. They aten't strictly true. Why bring it up again? It's not going to be taken well.

I see his point.
I'm not passive aggressive.
But it is my diary of sorts.
It's a snapshot of parenting, which is why I started blogging in the first place.

I'm not going to hide behind "I need to do what's 'right' for me...because I need to do what's right for the people I care about. And my rights in the blogospere end when I deliberately post something that may cause pain.

So I had to reevaluate.
Because there was never any ill will during the writing
But I know that the posts will hurt
And I'm not trying to hurt anyone.

So I think one will go up, and two to remain forver in draft.
And never will they meet. Liked two ships and a lighthouse in the night.
That being said, I still need to think about hitting PUBLISH.