Ho Ho Ho

Q: Why did your husband need to measure your feet to get you a Christmas gift?
A:

I was trying to read.
It wasn't that good a book, nor interesting, But it WAS a book and I was reading it, and Ellie was asleep and the night was young. Well, it was 10 pm.

Doug kept coming in and out of the kitchen. Asking me this. Then that. Then this again. Little inanities. Finally I slapped the book down.
"WHAT" I lowkey exploded.
"What what?"
"What do you want? Do you want to talk? Are you bored? What? What can I help you with?"
"Nothing" he said. "Nothing. I was just seeing what you were doing."
"I'm reading" i said a little sarcastically. Funny too. But sharper then I meant to. "Well, I was TRYING to read."
"yeh, ok" he walked out.

I went into the living room. Sorry for being such a pill the last couple of days. Contrite because my house is fabulously, gorgeously, toilet paper in the shape of a rose and the baseboards dusted clean. Thanks to my husbands Cristmas gift.

"You hate your wife" I said. As I climbed up next to him and tried to wedge my butt, Ellie's pink blanket and the book all into the tiny ledge of couch left over next to his hip.
"Which one?" he absently replied, starring intently at the television.
"Me. I know you hate me." I whined. Pathetically.
"I don't hate you." he nudged over, making room. "Why would I hate you."
"Because I'm annoying" I propped the book open on his stomach.
"Oh please. I knew you were annoying when I met you"
I slapped him.
I began to read.
He started talking again. While watching tv.
I closed the book, he stopped.
I opened it, he started again.
i closed, he stopped.
Opened, talked.
Finally I closed the book, put it on the coffee table and stared at him. Just stared. Intently.
He looked down.
"Is your book no good?" he asked.
"It's fine."
"Well what's up?"
"I thought maybe you needed attention."
"Yeah but not when it's on me"

We have a little joke, he and I. My husband can walk around me a dozen times a day without saying anything. Unless I'm quiet. Then he'll walk up and ask me a series of questions touching virtual every topic until finally he his the verbal jackpot - and I start blabbing about something...at length. Then he leaves the room.
"Why did you walk away?" I'll ask
"Well once you start talking, I know you're fine."

It's The Thought That Counts

So it happened. I got a digital frame for Christmas. After blocking my mother from getting my sister one. Ah, irony.

I asked my sister what she got.
"Anything good?" I queried."Any surprises?"
"Well" she sighed. Then stopped. "I know it's the thought that counts and I feel like I'm a bitch ..."
"But" I dug.
"No. Forget it. I just need to stop being surprised by people."
She sounded sad. Which I hate. Because she really, honestly, kills herself not to hurt people and she gets so little, so very little by way of thanks.
"What happened?" I asked. "Seriously"
"I don't care..." she started "I mean I really DON'T care what i get. I don't even need anything..." She was talking in defense. "And it's the though really that counts"
"Michelle" I bulldozed. "Seriously, what happened. You're not a bitch. I can already tell you're not being a bitch. What happened."

"Well, I went to (her partners) grandparents house and my (MIL Equivalent) gave me a 3x top, a boys large jersey (for her 15 year old hockey planning son) and a 6x outfit (for her 61/2 year old daughter).

I was dumbfounded. Honestly. I mean, her MIL is young. She's not old, not senile, she's kind of hip actually. Sort of. But really? So three gifts grabbed off the rack as in "Something for you, you and you"

My sister went on to say that at least the MIL thought to get something for her. Trying again not to sound harsh. But I stopped her.
"This is a woman who's known you for 13 years. This woman couldn't even pick up the phone and call you for the correct sizes? Really? Or even call her son? REALLY?"
My sister stumbled.
"Yeah, well, that's what I thought but..."
I interrupted her again.
"Well what about your SIL and them? Did they get you anything?"
"Oh" and I swear she was almost about to lie to me "Um. You know those, well, those Crest White Strips things?"
"Yeah" Why is she changing the subject, I'm thinking?
"Yeah. Those."
"Those what?"
"Those. I got those?"
"What do you mean you got those? You got white strips?" I'm stunned. My sister is the oral hygiene field. And she's opposed to whiteners. So maybe I missed a shift in her personality suddenly. I've been, you know, busy with Ellie et al. "So like as in a stocking stuffer?"
"No. I mean that was my gift. She got me a box of whitener strips."

"Doesn't she WORK at a dentist?"

"Yeah but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. I doubt she stole them or anything.
"Go check the box" I demanded.
"What??"
"Go upstairs or wherever they are and GO GET THE BOX"

God love my sister, because she did.

"Now read it to me. Look on the box and tell me do you see anywhere something to the effect of Not Labeled For Individual Sale"?
It's quiet.
"Michelle? Michelle?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I see it. It's right here on the bottom. But maybe she got a case."

Now let me just say this, bridges burning abounding because it needs to be said.
She got, a box, of whitening strips, AS A GIFT, not labeled for individual sale, from a dental assistant.

Now I grant you, times are tough, and the gift giver is a mom and just bought a house. She's not rolling in dough. So I'm not opposed per se to the gift. And maybe she got it as a discount, and maybe she truly, because of her profession, adores the idea of it as a gift (For example I gave someone ptouch labels and gladware because I love organization...) Maybe all those things are true. And maybe she forgot that my sister doesn't believe in cosmetic type procedures, and maybe, truly, I'm being a Nasty Betty here..

But I can't help but wonder.

So we role played.

Me: "Well if she handed it you you and said 'I know this is funny coming from me" or she had some story, some explanation..."

Sister: "No, she did. I mean. She said they were good. And I looked them up online. They aren't cheap. And it's good I looked them up too because you aren't supposed to bleach and drink coffee - so if I did it in the morning before work, I'd have been screwed..."

Anyway. The long story short, because I really DO need to use my daughters nap time productively, is that you can always look on the sunny side of life. You can always assume the best. You can always think highly of someone. And you can afford to be charitable. And it IS the thought that counts.

Which is why I called my sister the next day.

"If it IS that good a gift, and she did pay for them, and she IS struggling then you know what?"
"What?"
"Why don't you wrap them and give them to her for her birthday. After all, it's the thought that counts."

And your point is?

Ok, Happy New Year, we had a great time etc.

So ok, I'm cleaning out the house today and I put an ad on FREE craigslist. Basically I'm looking to dump 150 plus envelopes to anyone doing a mailing. Hey, go green, right? I'll drop off if you live close by etc.

So this guy replies, in all caps no less, which, I mean, does anyone not know at this point how rude that is? Apparently. "Hey lazy guy, your left pinky can make you a king of etiquette in 2.2 seconds. Depress shift already." Moving on. So in all caps he writes:

HI I CAN USE THE ITEMS BUT I LIVE IN THE SOUTHEND AND DON'T HAVE A CAR

Um. Ok. So what's your question? I mean, where are you going with this? You want me to drive them down to you? mail them? I mean, is there a solution here? Or are you just letting me know?

Oh hey, yeah, I could totally use these but shit, man, I don't have wheels.

I was all set to reply "Ok, well shoot me your address and I'll mail them to you and you can just send me some stamps as payment"

Seriously. It's not that much of a bother. But then I'm thinking. "You wrote in all caps. Asshole. Plus it's not MY job to tell you how to get something for free."

People. HONESTLY.

So I'm just going to wait and decide later what to do with my excess of envelopes.