Missing My Best Friend

It's low tide for me or whatever reason. Perhaps it's pms, perhaps it's sands through the hourglass. Perhaps it's nothing,or everything. A million and one things have happened in the last month. Insignifigant enough in text, momentous in thought. Funny how a small thing can shift your stratosphere.

I wonder lately, does anyone just get tired of being exactly where they are? And how is it that no one else seems to be? How do you make a choice - be it a house, a job, a marriage, a car, a blouse - and decide "yep, this is IT man. This is Eeee-nough for me. I'm alll set. I'm living large. There is no winter of discontent."

It's too bad really that today is the day I have time to post because today is the very day I shouldn't.

I wonder at some people, who are happy, find everything enjoyable. Trip to the zoo? Loved it! Trip to the park? THE BEST! Trip to the carwash? Scintillating! I wonder what it's like to go through life with happiness being the norm, and not an effort. I wonder what it's like to see the glass as half full without even trying?

The funny thing is, if you asked me, I'd tell you - and mean it - that I'm in love, and for the most part, satisfied. Satisfied like the cat who had the canary, not just satisfied as in Satisfactory but not outstanding. But light and fluffy? Good lord no.

I have my moments. I'm happy when I'm driving. Today I was happy at the gym. I'm semi happy at night. I'm happy when nobody wants anything from me, not even my company and I'm happier still when there's no possible way I can accommodate anyone or anything so I can actually relax.

But that's so seldom.

And it's a shame.
Because I'm two plus years into this parenting thing and I'm waiting to lower my shoulders, and release the tension, and enjoy the day.

And it NEVER ever ever happens.
not a minute. Not a moment. Never. I am - always - ALWAYS - always disappointing someone. Somebody somewhere I owe something. A thank you, an invite, a response, a return phone call. I owe food to the refrigerator and I owe the rug a good vacuum. i owe my husband my attention, my mother a day out. My fathers wife a Saturday, my brother an evening. I owe my dad a call, my facebbok page an update. I owe Salvation Army a visit, I owe my eyebrows a wax. i owe my yard some care, my lawn some seed. I owe verizon money, I owe the planet some composting. I owe my nieces and nephews attention, I owe my crazy adopted godmother a ride to the doctor, and maybe to the vet. I owe myself a diet. I don't answer the phone because somewhere I am disappointing somebody and the call is a reminder that I've fucked up.

I never - ever - get a call that says "Let me make the decision for you"
"why don't I come over with coffee?" or better "Hey, I called to say thank you - because I know that you are pulled in thirty conflicting directions and yet when you can - you spare a minute for me."

I get calls that sound like that "Hey I never see you" or "Hey I called you but you never called me back". Sounds innocuous, right? But to me it's "Hey - when are you going to pay attention to me"

Well - let me say this then:

When are you going to make it easy for me? When are you going to be open, and honest, and authentic? When are you going to stop lying to yourself and living in denial - or just plain hiding your reality? When are your platitudes going to be real topics of conversation? Because I'm all about real. And all about open. And you, you are taking your sweet ass time enjoying MY honesty because it allows you a brief minute to be honest yourself. Thank you. i'm glad I can be that catharsis for you. But perhaps - perhaps one day you could do the sharing? The entertaining? The soul searching? Perhaps you could delve into the interesting depths of something more then the surface of superficial banalities. Because frankly, I'm longing for some beef with my watery lettuce. I would like someone NOT with a problem to have a meaningful, detailed, insightful conversation with me.

They THEY start.
That THEY do the work in.
So I can sit back and relax.
Because I am tired of feeling like I suck for not doing "my job" or making your world a little less stressful..

And frankly - I'd like to feel a bit better about me. Because when you are quiet, when you are absorbing it all, when you are being secretive, and closed, and not withcoming, you strip the other person of their energy. And just once, one day out of the next seven, I want to leave a conversation feeled buoyed. Feeling energized. Feeling like I gained rather then lost something.

And if I haven't called you lately - or haven't seen you - it's because you deplete me. And not because you are a taker. But because you aren't a giver.