Tea for Two

Just for today I am going to celebrate.
It's unlikely to last.
I'm unlikely to succeed.
The odds, or evens if we are counting two as a pair which we should, are stacked against me.
Us.

But just for a moment today I am going to try to find the happiness that exists.

How do you celebrate?
I'm not sure.

I had - a very large - coffee roll.
I wish I had time to take a nap.
To think.
To dream.
In yoga parlance to state my intentions.
To put positive energy into the universe.

But my darling dervish is needing to be picked up.
In less then an hour.

It's insane to celebrate.
It's like celebrating that the rain stopped for an hour while Noah was loading the ark.
Nothing good can come of this.

But for today, and just today, I am again, a mother.
I have, again, two babies, hoping to be born.

A second set of twins.

Shut the fuck up, right?

Not to replace the first, and not likely to fair much better.
But for today, yet again, I hold a miracle within me and if nothing else, I celebrate that these children have chosen me.

Because I have a theory.

My daughter is exactly the child I was meant to have. She is perfect, perfectly ordinary yet perfectly spectacular. Perfect in temperament, perfectly aligned with us. We are blessed and gifted with - a child we know how to parent.
I said as much to a friend's mom, knitting one night last year, and her mom said to me "They choose you, you know. The babies, they choose to come to you."

So in my heart I think about, and thank, these babies.

Because although I am the worst possible vessel, although the chances are slim, and dim, somewhere, somewhere in the universe, when our names are up on the roster board, these tiny souls, they still volunteer to be in line. Somehow these babies are willing to forego their chance to be born, to live, for a chance to come to us.

So I'm sorry, little souls, the ones that I didn't get a chance to bring into this world. I'm sure you were reborn into another wonderful family. After all, your're great pickers.

And to you little crazy ones. Little insane beings.
Have you learned NOTHING from your breathren?
But thank you.
Thank you for continuing to believe in us.
And continuing to want for me to be your mom.

You know, I'll love you no matter what. Even if you should be born to someone else.

Good luck babies.
You teeny tiny idiots.
We're rooting for you.