fucking insurance people

on my EOB... the following note:
BASED ON ONE OR MORE OF THE PROCEDURE(S) LISTED ABOVE, YOU MAY BENEFIT FROM THE TREATMENT DESCRIBED IN THE ENCLOSED BROCHURE.

POLICY 669: 3 Essentials for Healthy Teeth: (1)A Soft-Bristled Toothbrush, (2) Toothpaste with Fluoride, (3) Floss Every Day. Do this and you may lower your risk of tooth decay by as much as 40%!
POLICY 909: PATIENTS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY PLAN CO-PAYMENTS.


May 25, 2010

Delta Dental of Massachusetts
attn: Customer Service
cc: Corporate Communications

Dear Delta Dental,

Thank you so much for your recent Explanation of Benefits. Imagine my great delight when I saw your notation as to how I can better care for my teeth. Who knew that in addition to offering dental coverage you offered unsolicited advice? Color me tickled. I find these days, as I am pregnant with twins, thus putting me at risk for periodontal diseases through no fault of my own nor poor practices of my own, that your assumptions as to my “at home care” are delightful! Use a soft tooth brush and fluoride paste? Who knew! Flossing? Wow. And here I thought that my daily use of The Dr’s Brush Picks, combined with vigorous flossing, then the 2 minute application of fluoride toothpaste with my oscillating head Oral B toothbrush followed by a 30 second swish of Listerine were enough.


I feel terrible though, that after 41 years on this earth, myriad visits to the dentist, and accolades abounding from my hygienist that my at home care is, I believe the word was unparalleled, that I have been neglecting this VITAL information you so graciously provided. What was it again? Oh yes. That I should brush with fluoride and floss everyday. Thank you. Scintillating. I appreciate your follow up – especially after driving in town, parking, sitting in a chair and hearing that there is possibly an issue with the gum under the bridge and cap, treatment of a birth defect of a tooth that never developed – and that despite my heroic hygienic efforts, essentially it’s just “one of those things.” Your backing it up with your FANTASTIC tip on my benefits form gratifies me. Having a conversation with my 30 years practicing dentist in no way parallels your expertise. Good job providing that excellent customer service! Be certain to keep it up. I know that it’s my best interest you have at heart and not the overall reduction of your costs.

I only wish you provided medical insurance so when my daughter trips at the playground, I could get free parenting advice on how to watch her better.

Best wishes and Happy…what was it again? Oh yes, brushing and flossing to you. Daily. Try not to forget! Gratefully yours and suitably stunned with this new groundbreaking information,


My Real Name,
Claim Document #: xxxxxx
Subscriber ID: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS Thank you further for the explanation of who is responsible for a co-pay. I was completely unclear on the very definition of the word. All those multiple meanings out there, so glad you broke it down for me. I had no idea that a copay was what I paid at the front desk! You guys are sharpies - thanks for the heads up!