People walk up to baby carriages and say "Now that's the life. Laying down, having someone push you around, wiping your butt for you...you eat, sleep, burp. That's as good as it gets."
Really? REALLY?
Because 30 years from now in your life that's going to be called Alzheimer's and I can't imagine you're looking forward to it.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Setting Limits
We live in a culture of "you have to do what's right for you" (YHTDWRFY) yet on the other it's "Live and Let Live" (L&LL). So what do we do when someone else's L&LL impedes your YHTDWRFY?
Since having Ellie I find myself frequently wondering "Where do someone's else rights stop, and mine begin?" Maybe it's because now I'm the mother deadlines, timeframes and boundaries have become that much more important to me. My time is, after all, no longer my own. It's stolen in chunks, interwoven with naps. I find myself fiercely protecting rights that I had long since abdicated. I find myself constantly questioning "Do I have the right to ask for this? Or to be upset by this? Or to require this?"
I find myself constantly having to assert myself - in areas where I'm confused that someone had the temerity to trespass. And when I do insist on pointing out boundaries defined by longstanding social mores, I'm shocked by the inevitable response of "Well, I was just doing what I thought was best" or "I was just doing what was "right" for me to do."
Really?
One of the downsides of living in a generation of babyboomer inspired therapy is that we now have a culture of "Just do it", "Never give up", and "You need to be true to yourself." From reality shows, to movie celebrities, to Oprah - we are a culture of post-therapy individuals that sincerely believe that as long as you are just protecting your interests, you have every right to demand, bully, cajole, enforce, sulk or steamroll over others to get your way - so long as it all flies under the banner of "I was just doing what's right for me."
Essentially, we have created a culture of narcissists wildly, adamantly, and frequently demanding their "right" to be...well...right.
Let's say you accept that. Let's say I accept that. What about the fineprint? The part of Just Do It that reads "And Accept The Consequences of Your Actions".
Why is that so consistently lost? It seems that everfyone takes the BEGINNING to heart but doesn't pay the piper. Everyone knows that in AA you have to admit you have a problem. But do they know that Steps 2-12 are about making amends?? You don't get to just say "Yep, well, I have a disease." You have to MOVE ON and do whats good for the whole.
We all love a snapshot, a headline, a catch phrase. We see and spout "Just do what's right for you" but we constantly fail to footnote that systems are interdependent. You can't just "Do your own thing" because you can't dismiss the fact that "your own thing" has implications for others.
So what do you do when faced with a group of people who take no responsibility for their actions? Who hide behind "I was doing what I thought was best." with no apologies, no sense of consequence and no sense that relationships are not autocracies.
I had a therapist once to whom I wailed that there must be something wrong with me. How could I be finding fault with 5 seperate people. It couldn't be them, it must be me.
To which she replied "Yes, it is you. The one thing each of these people have in common is that you allowed all of them into your life. So if you picked badly once, it's possible that you picked badly all five times."
Since having Ellie I find myself frequently wondering "Where do someone's else rights stop, and mine begin?" Maybe it's because now I'm the mother deadlines, timeframes and boundaries have become that much more important to me. My time is, after all, no longer my own. It's stolen in chunks, interwoven with naps. I find myself fiercely protecting rights that I had long since abdicated. I find myself constantly questioning "Do I have the right to ask for this? Or to be upset by this? Or to require this?"
I find myself constantly having to assert myself - in areas where I'm confused that someone had the temerity to trespass. And when I do insist on pointing out boundaries defined by longstanding social mores, I'm shocked by the inevitable response of "Well, I was just doing what I thought was best" or "I was just doing what was "right" for me to do."
Really?
One of the downsides of living in a generation of babyboomer inspired therapy is that we now have a culture of "Just do it", "Never give up", and "You need to be true to yourself." From reality shows, to movie celebrities, to Oprah - we are a culture of post-therapy individuals that sincerely believe that as long as you are just protecting your interests, you have every right to demand, bully, cajole, enforce, sulk or steamroll over others to get your way - so long as it all flies under the banner of "I was just doing what's right for me."
Essentially, we have created a culture of narcissists wildly, adamantly, and frequently demanding their "right" to be...well...right.
Let's say you accept that. Let's say I accept that. What about the fineprint? The part of Just Do It that reads "And Accept The Consequences of Your Actions".
Why is that so consistently lost? It seems that everfyone takes the BEGINNING to heart but doesn't pay the piper. Everyone knows that in AA you have to admit you have a problem. But do they know that Steps 2-12 are about making amends?? You don't get to just say "Yep, well, I have a disease." You have to MOVE ON and do whats good for the whole.
We all love a snapshot, a headline, a catch phrase. We see and spout "Just do what's right for you" but we constantly fail to footnote that systems are interdependent. You can't just "Do your own thing" because you can't dismiss the fact that "your own thing" has implications for others.
So what do you do when faced with a group of people who take no responsibility for their actions? Who hide behind "I was doing what I thought was best." with no apologies, no sense of consequence and no sense that relationships are not autocracies.
I had a therapist once to whom I wailed that there must be something wrong with me. How could I be finding fault with 5 seperate people. It couldn't be them, it must be me.
To which she replied "Yes, it is you. The one thing each of these people have in common is that you allowed all of them into your life. So if you picked badly once, it's possible that you picked badly all five times."
Monday, August 27, 2007
...and I'll be to Scotland before ye....
My sister once said
"The only thing good about the high road is that the traffic is lighter."
So here is what I have to say about the last week and 3 days:
1. "Mom, Don't go into my pocketbook after I expressly asked you twice not to. The keys weren't in there and regardless of the fact that you were "trying to help" I specifically used the words "PLEASE DO NOT OPEN MY BAG". For all you know I could have had a 10-inch dildo, a hypodemic, or diamond earrings for your next birthday in there. It wasn't that you went INTO my pocketbook that was offensive, it was offensive that you did it AFTER I told you not to."
2. "Laurie, Ellie doesn't need 6 stuffed animals, 5 size 12 month summer outfits, 2 bibs, a lucite floating poem with an inspirational saying and a cheap splintery basket. We have discussed, at length, and over the years, the fact that you are a compulsive shopper. Do not use my daughter as an excuse to justify your inability to stop shopping. Additionally, the fact that you "hadn't bought her anything before now" does NOT absolve you of blatently disregarding my feelings on excess, clutter, unneccessary items, and keeping to a minimum 'the Ellie gifts'."
3. Doug, you are an excellent father and a wonderful man. Stop getting angry at me for offering to help. I'm not undermining you, questioning you or impuning your abilities. She's crying, you're struggling, I might be able to help. When I am holding her, and she cries, and you offer to help - I say yes.
4. Mom, I asked you if you were going to BJs and would you buy me a case of Size 2 Pampers Swaddlers while you were there. You said yes. I'm aware that a case is approximatelty 150 diapers. I'm aware that size 2's are good up to 18 pounds. I know what I asked for because she's my daughter and I change her approximately 9 times a day. I'm familiar with both her weight and size. I'm completely NOT grateful for the size 2-3s that you brought home because "You thought I'd never use all the size 2's. That there was "no way" I would so you got me what you thought was best." There is way. She weighs 15 pounds. She's not going to gain 3 pounds in 30 days. I asked for a favor because you begrudge not being needed. You choose to do what you want regardless. I now have a case of diapoers for October or November but had to stop at Target for the size 2's."
5. Lisa, If you say one more time, in any variation, that you'd enjoy "staying home all day" or that "It must be nice to be able to do what I want, when I want" I'm going to scream. You know absolutely nothing about my life, nmy days, my strugggles, my finances. What we gave up to get, what makes our lives work and where the fractures are. I had a baby, I stay home. It's not all "Pass me the remote while I finish these bon bons." Yes, I am staying home. To raise Ellie. And it's a full time fucking job. So enough about the cake walk that's my life. And don't placate me with "Oh I know how busy you must be, how crazy". Not to make a cheap shot here but actually, no you DON'T know how busy I am, or what my life is like. Not because you aren't smart enough or intuitive enough but because you are one of the worst listeners I have ever met.
I'm tired of taking the high road because someone else had "good intentions". I'm tired of looking at their motivations. I get it. I get it. They meant well, I need to turn the other cheek.
Why?
I just want to say "Don't value-add people. You only fuck it up."
"The only thing good about the high road is that the traffic is lighter."
So here is what I have to say about the last week and 3 days:
1. "Mom, Don't go into my pocketbook after I expressly asked you twice not to. The keys weren't in there and regardless of the fact that you were "trying to help" I specifically used the words "PLEASE DO NOT OPEN MY BAG". For all you know I could have had a 10-inch dildo, a hypodemic, or diamond earrings for your next birthday in there. It wasn't that you went INTO my pocketbook that was offensive, it was offensive that you did it AFTER I told you not to."
2. "Laurie, Ellie doesn't need 6 stuffed animals, 5 size 12 month summer outfits, 2 bibs, a lucite floating poem with an inspirational saying and a cheap splintery basket. We have discussed, at length, and over the years, the fact that you are a compulsive shopper. Do not use my daughter as an excuse to justify your inability to stop shopping. Additionally, the fact that you "hadn't bought her anything before now" does NOT absolve you of blatently disregarding my feelings on excess, clutter, unneccessary items, and keeping to a minimum 'the Ellie gifts'."
3. Doug, you are an excellent father and a wonderful man. Stop getting angry at me for offering to help. I'm not undermining you, questioning you or impuning your abilities. She's crying, you're struggling, I might be able to help. When I am holding her, and she cries, and you offer to help - I say yes.
4. Mom, I asked you if you were going to BJs and would you buy me a case of Size 2 Pampers Swaddlers while you were there. You said yes. I'm aware that a case is approximatelty 150 diapers. I'm aware that size 2's are good up to 18 pounds. I know what I asked for because she's my daughter and I change her approximately 9 times a day. I'm familiar with both her weight and size. I'm completely NOT grateful for the size 2-3s that you brought home because "You thought I'd never use all the size 2's. That there was "no way" I would so you got me what you thought was best." There is way. She weighs 15 pounds. She's not going to gain 3 pounds in 30 days. I asked for a favor because you begrudge not being needed. You choose to do what you want regardless. I now have a case of diapoers for October or November but had to stop at Target for the size 2's."
5. Lisa, If you say one more time, in any variation, that you'd enjoy "staying home all day" or that "It must be nice to be able to do what I want, when I want" I'm going to scream. You know absolutely nothing about my life, nmy days, my strugggles, my finances. What we gave up to get, what makes our lives work and where the fractures are. I had a baby, I stay home. It's not all "Pass me the remote while I finish these bon bons." Yes, I am staying home. To raise Ellie. And it's a full time fucking job. So enough about the cake walk that's my life. And don't placate me with "Oh I know how busy you must be, how crazy". Not to make a cheap shot here but actually, no you DON'T know how busy I am, or what my life is like. Not because you aren't smart enough or intuitive enough but because you are one of the worst listeners I have ever met.
I'm tired of taking the high road because someone else had "good intentions". I'm tired of looking at their motivations. I get it. I get it. They meant well, I need to turn the other cheek.
Why?
I just want to say "Don't value-add people. You only fuck it up."
Friday, August 10, 2007
Look into the Light
I had to tell Ellie today to stop staring at the dining room light.
"You'll burn out your cones and rods..."
"You'll burn out your cones and rods..."
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