Setting Limits

We live in a culture of "you have to do what's right for you" (YHTDWRFY) yet on the other it's "Live and Let Live" (L&LL). So what do we do when someone else's L&LL impedes your YHTDWRFY?

Since having Ellie I find myself frequently wondering "Where do someone's else rights stop, and mine begin?" Maybe it's because now I'm the mother deadlines, timeframes and boundaries have become that much more important to me. My time is, after all, no longer my own. It's stolen in chunks, interwoven with naps. I find myself fiercely protecting rights that I had long since abdicated. I find myself constantly questioning "Do I have the right to ask for this? Or to be upset by this? Or to require this?"

I find myself constantly having to assert myself - in areas where I'm confused that someone had the temerity to trespass. And when I do insist on pointing out boundaries defined by longstanding social mores, I'm shocked by the inevitable response of "Well, I was just doing what I thought was best" or "I was just doing what was "right" for me to do."

Really?

One of the downsides of living in a generation of babyboomer inspired therapy is that we now have a culture of "Just do it", "Never give up", and "You need to be true to yourself." From reality shows, to movie celebrities, to Oprah - we are a culture of post-therapy individuals that sincerely believe that as long as you are just protecting your interests, you have every right to demand, bully, cajole, enforce, sulk or steamroll over others to get your way - so long as it all flies under the banner of "I was just doing what's right for me."

Essentially, we have created a culture of narcissists wildly, adamantly, and frequently demanding their "right" to be...well...right.

Let's say you accept that. Let's say I accept that. What about the fineprint? The part of Just Do It that reads "And Accept The Consequences of Your Actions".

Why is that so consistently lost? It seems that everfyone takes the BEGINNING to heart but doesn't pay the piper. Everyone knows that in AA you have to admit you have a problem. But do they know that Steps 2-12 are about making amends?? You don't get to just say "Yep, well, I have a disease." You have to MOVE ON and do whats good for the whole.

We all love a snapshot, a headline, a catch phrase. We see and spout "Just do what's right for you" but we constantly fail to footnote that systems are interdependent. You can't just "Do your own thing" because you can't dismiss the fact that "your own thing" has implications for others.

So what do you do when faced with a group of people who take no responsibility for their actions? Who hide behind "I was doing what I thought was best." with no apologies, no sense of consequence and no sense that relationships are not autocracies.

I had a therapist once to whom I wailed that there must be something wrong with me. How could I be finding fault with 5 seperate people. It couldn't be them, it must be me.

To which she replied "Yes, it is you. The one thing each of these people have in common is that you allowed all of them into your life. So if you picked badly once, it's possible that you picked badly all five times."