Yep. Not like as in "I'm a clown, I amuse you" but generally I'm funnyish

I haven't blogged b/c my system got destroyed. But I have like 20 in my head. So I'm trying to bang them all out.

As part of the system crash, when we reconfigured my computer, it pulled a years woth of emails off the verizon server and dumped them into my inbox. I'm in process of deleting.

But I saw this one in there, and, finding myself uber clever, decided to save it here...

Sent: Wednesday, January 30, 2008 12:36 PM
Subject: One of those silly chain mails...A little procrastination for you

Welcome to the 2008 edition of getting to know your friends. Okay, here's what you're supposed to do, and try not to be lame and spoil the fun! Copy this entire email and paste into a new email that you can send, change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person that sent it to you. Some of you may get this several times (that means you have lots of friends).

1. What is your occupation? Ohhh, I get to say either homemaker or unemployed. Decisions, decisions.
2. What color are your socks right now? barefoot. Quite cold actually.
3. What are you listening to right now? The hum of Dougs antiquated overloaded PC
4. What was the last thing that you ate? 1 oz of granola. It sucked. And it cost me two Weight Watchers points. Argh.
5. Can you drive a stick shift? To a hospital with imminent danger at hand, probably. Otherwise, no
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Something dark and blue with hues and undertones
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Does exchanging vmail messages count? My brother Tony last night after 10:30 pm. Childless people never look at the clock before dialing.
8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? I do in fact.
9. How old are you today? Celebrating my 33rd for the 6th time thank you.
10. Favorite drink? Lately a beer with dinner but never soda. Pink Lemonade is always fun.
11. What is your favorite sport to watch? Band and dance/cheer competitions.
12. Have you ever dyed your hair? That reminds me, I need to call now.
13. Pets? Just dust bunnies
14. Favorite food? vanilla frosting, mac and cheese and tomato basil & mozzarella salad. Not together.
15. Last movie you watched? Clueless.
16. Favorite Day of the year? My husbands birthday.
17. What do you do to vent anger? B*tch, b*tch, b*tch
18. What was your favorite toy as a child? My stuffed dog who shall go unnamed as he is also the answer to my ebay password question
19. What is your favorite season ? Fall
20. Hugs or kisses? Hugs. Then kisses. But hugs.
21. Cherry or Blueberry? Cherry in theory, blueberry more often in application
22. Do you want your friends to email you back? Yes... but they are Too Busy
23. Who is most likely to respond? Maybe my sister
24. Who is least likely to respond? Kim my SIL and Ari but both like to read them so I ccd each anyway
25. What happened to Ricky Martin? Ricky Who? I believe he was emulated widely by a host of gay men then faded to a VH1 footnote. But after carefully reading Shawn's answers... He came out with a cd this last fall.
26. When was the last time you cried? Last week when Ellie was in the hospital and I wanted to slap the Very Rude Ignorant and Dismissive Nurse.
27. What is on the floor of your closet? Shoe racks
28. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? Sigh, I hate "friend" questions
29. Who is the friend you have had the shortest that you are sending this to? Same same
31. Who inspires you? Lots of people, strangers mostly who are open and forthright.
32. What are you afraid of? Losing someone in a car accident. Airplanes. Dying feeble and alone. You know, the usual.
33. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? Eww. Hamburgers. Not. Ever.
34. Favorite car? Mine. It has all my stuff in it.
35. Favorite cat breed? Shorthairs.
36. Number of keys on your key ring? Hmm. Well,. Ellie's crying so whilst I check her, I'll count the keys. ...I'm back. I forgot to check but i did make some soup. I'll say 4 because really, how are you ever going to know?
37. How many years at your current job? 16 months
38. Favorite day of the week? Friday, then Sunday
39. How many states have you lived in? Please, I'm a Massachusetts native. Just the one.
40. Do you think you're funny? Yep. Not like as in "I'm a clown, I amuse you" but generally I'm funnyish

The hum of the fan...or something else

"I got invited to the same party" my sister said to me.
"Oh you did?" I asked.
"Yeh. I'm not going though. For one it's a couples thing. And there's no one I'd be comfortable going with."
this from a woman who shares her home WITH a man. Just not The Man.
"So it's for couples?" I said "That's kind of weird. Like you can only go if you are a couple?" How rude, I'm thinking.

My sister clarifies "No, it's like...it was an evite. And the invitation went out saying people were to come in pairs and they'd be sure to have a good time."

Holy SHIT. I'm thinking. Oh my god, it's a key party. In this day and age. Here. In our lives. I'm now remembering the time I was 33 when THREE separate couples asked if I wanted to join them sometime. THREE. Robert and his wife. Arianne and two different boyfriends of hers, and Dave and Michelle. So I guess that's four couples. And as I said then, and I'll say now, in practical application, I just don't see me going down on a woman. Eww. But true. There. I said it. Melissa Etheridge notwithstanding and the bicurious era behind me, it just ain't gonna happen. But WOW. A key party.

My sister ruthlessly amends my thinking.
"It's a toy party."
"Oh" I say.

But still....

Later last night, in bed, lights off, after the murmured one sentence discussions "Ellie's got diaper rash" "Don't forget to bring the dentist bill to work" "Are we going to the beach" ... pillows fluffed, rolled over, relaxed...I'm about to drift off to sleep.

Into the dark. Out of the blue, he says...
"It's like, one step away from..."
"Swinging. I know" I finished the sentence. Then shuddered.
"I'm just not that open" he said. Meaning about the toys. I was already clear we weren't talking about swinging.
"Yeh. I'm not either. I can't picture sitting with a group of people with some woman going on about butterfly clips and massage oil." I shudder again. "It's just....raunchy"
Doug gives me a hug the a kiss.
"I think it's funny, given our histories, and mores, that we both are so uptight about these things."
And in my head I'm like "Yeah, really."

Which reminded me...

I went to a toy party actually. About four years ago. The woman gave us a sketch pad with a half nude, unfinished image and a pencil. The instructions were to complete our perfect man.

I drew boxer shorts and a wedding band.

Then I called my sister from the car on the way home to tell her I won the door prize.

"Um. There's a vibrator in my pocketbook. If I get in an accident, can you just make sure people know I won it and I don't carry around a vibrator."
"Sure" she cheerily replied. "Anything in the house I need to get rid of?"
"Nope, just my pocketbook."

The phone is for my convenience

I hate people who call you to tell you they called you.
Honestly.
I don’t know if it’s an age thing, an insecurity thing. I don’t know what it is.

I just want to say “Assume I got it”. Honestly. I mean, if you are just calling to say “Hi” and your message says as much, am I obligated to call you back? And if so, by when? This assumes I talk to you every day, mind you. Clearly, if I havet talked to you in a while and you call and say “Hey, just checkin’ in, wanted to say “Hi” then common courtesy and protocol dictate that I call you back. But to call someone Thursday, and have your message be a snippy huffy “Well, I called you YESTERDAY and you never got back to me”…Argh. It sends me. Truly. I just want to say, I’m aware of the fact that you called yesterday. You dialed both phones, left a message and I saw it on the caller ID log. Also, your message was simply “Hi”. If you required a return call, you might have mentioned it. Further, if you had anything of substance to say, beyond the usual 8 minutes of insubstantial “How are you” bullshit (assume Im the same as yesterday, thank you), I might have been more inclined to returmn your call.

With acridity.
A word I don’t use often.

But you called just to say ‘Hi.”
Well “Hi. “

Consider the message relayed.

Wife. Quietly reading online.
Husband, enters room, stage left, crosses to wife.

Husband: Similac is redesigning their lids for Costco.
Wife: Oh?
Husband: Yeah, there putting the scoop in the lid and attaching it so it doesn't fall off.
Wife: So, does that make you want to have another baby?
Husband: Well...I WAS wondering if you would...