From: D
Sent: Monday, September 17, 2007 2:05 PM
To: Daddy
Subject: HI DADDY!

Hi Daddy!
I miss you. Mommy dressed me up like an Eskimo and took me out ALL DAY. She keeps saying "get things done" - you need to tell her I need Tummy Time and a proper nap. I tried to cry but she won't let me. She gave me a bottle instead. So I smiled but you watch, I'll cry tonight!!!!

Today we saw Barbara, Ciara and a new friend Maria. She has THREE kids daddy. THREE. Wow. that's a lot of kids. That would definitely cut into my Tummy Time. We went to the lake, the Salvation Army, the drycleaner, the postoffice and the library. Now we are going to the mall and the grocery store. Daddy, when will it stop?? Can't I stay home and watch football with you? Even Grandpa's football would be ok. When you get home, show me Mommy's off switch, ok?? OK.

I hope you are having a good day at the penny plant. I miss you.

I love you - Ellie Belly the Eskimo

I read the Baby Whisperer: I saw the Baby Whisperer; The Baby Whisperer is oft quoted at our house. Honey, you're no Baby Whisperer.

So I'm running an errand Saturday and decide to drop by...well, let's just call her "a friend"...a friend's house. Ellie has just eaten and is sweetly docile. Well sated and cozy in her seat. Alert but not fussy. I pull in.

"Friend" has four children. All well mannered, all kind hearted. But loud. The shear volume of her family is proportionate to the volume in her house.

A louder volume then our home norm.

Ellie looks about, dare I say, confused. She's only 4-1/2 months so there's no real stranger anxiety yet. She mostly smiles at everyone. I place her carseat on the floor and sit in front of it. The children gather around. "Ohhhh," they clamor. "How cute". I lean in. Coo coo, she murmers hopefully. Coo coo I signal back with a smile and expressive eyes. I draw her out of her seat. Coo coo. I place her in "friends" arms.

"WAHHHHHHHHHHH"

"What's the matter" her children cry out. "Is she ok?" "What's wrong with E******?"

"WAAH WAAH WAAH WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
The friend scoops her into her arms in a cradle, ne bear hug. She's got her tucked in close and starts singing in a high pitched scare the dogs voice.

"Wah Wah Wah Wah wahhhh wahhhhhhhhhh wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

Holy shit, I'm thinking. I mean, not to sound arrogant but my kid NEVER cries. Well, I mean, she cries when she's hungry, or when she's pooping, or when a shock of cold air hits her after a tubbie but she's not, like, an indiscriminate crier. Usually she cries with cause.

"Wah Wah Wah Wah wahhhh wahhhhhhhhhh wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wah awah wah awahhhhh ah wah awhahhhhh"

I'm shocked. I even say it outloud.
"Oh my god, I'm shocked." I motion to take her.

"Friend" blocks me with a deft turn of her shoulder. Then she starts tossing out a series of inane questions - the kind you inevitably get when your child is screaming uncontrollably. "Is she hungry" "Is she tired" "Does her belly hurt" "Is it the kids" with her cherubs chanting along side of her the last word in each phrase "She's Hungry" "she's tired" "She's got a belly ache" "Is it us"

"No No" I say "She was fine in the car, I'm not sure what's going on."
If she just give me my f*n kid back maybe I could figure it out, I'm thinking.

Bounce bounce, dance. "Friend" is doing something akin to a triple step swing whilst singing the alphabet song.

"I really need to..." I begin tentatively.

She interupts me. Like one of those precocious 2nd graders with too much validation at home. "shhhhhhh shhhhhh shhhh" she's hissing (yes at her rambunctious but certainly not piercingly loud children) Hissing loud enough that if her kids weren't bugging my wee one, I know for shit sure she was.

By now I'm regreting that i ever stopped. I'm wondering if I snatch her out of "friends" arms will she get hurt. What are the risks here?

I ask for my child back.
"Listen, could I..."

"Oh no" she wails, and turns her body as a shield, back to me. "Don't take her, I'll calm her down, please let me calm her down."

"Wah Wah Wah Wah wahhhh wahhhhhhhhhh wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wah awah wah awahhhhh ah wah awhahhhhh"

Her children are now completely inured to the novelty of a baby in the house and imploring "Friend" aka their Mom for whatever is is they required that second.
"Friend" is doing the equivilent of I-Can't-Hear-You" by walking faster, singing louder. I see a sea of legs, arms, hair. More commotion then I need really. Far more then miss ellie cares for.

Sweet Baby E is in full meltdown. I'm ready to join her.

"Listen" I start to bargain "I just need her for a minute. I need to see what's wrong. I'll give her back."

"You have to give her back" "Friend" sternly admonishes me as she pases her over.

I lift her up. I pace the house. 10 minutes pass. She's calm.

I come back in the room.
"Friend" asks for her back.
"I just got her calmed down" I say.
"Friend" takes her from my arms.

"Wah Wah Wah Wah wahhhh wahhhhhhhhhh wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wah awah wah awahhhhh ah wah awhahhhhh Wah Wah Wah Wah wahhhh wahhhhhhhhhh wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wah awah wah awahhhhh ah wah awhahhhhh"

"Let me try" she says. Off she goes. Alphabet song, bounce, "Wah Wah Wah Wah wahhhh wahhhhhhhhhh wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wah awah wah awahhhhh ah wah" Sing sing song song, dance, sing song. Bounce bounce. On it goes.

I'm pleading now for her. "Listen, I said I'd be home. I really need to get going. I'll come back some other time." I'm ready to promise my next kid if I can just get this one back.

"Wah Wah Wah Wah wahhhh wahhhhhhhhhh wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wah awah wah awahhhhh ah wah awhahhhhh Wah Wah Wah Wah wahhhh wahhhhhhhhhh wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wah awah wah awahhhhh ah wah awhahhhhh"

Finally the cries die down. There's whimpering involved. I see my poor flushed baby in her arms, limp, tired, defeated.

"See," she crows triumphantly "I knew I could get her to calm down."

Light Dawns

Do you know how people always say "a baby can sleep in a drawer?" Until I had Ellie, and until slightly after her birth I used to think "They must mean the bottom drawer because wouldn't the babies weight make it fall out of the bureau?"

SERIOUSLY.

Then I was like "Or do you close the drawer, like at a morgue. But then how do they breathe?" It just didn't make sense.

I finally figured out that they meant to take the drawer OUT of the dresser.

Never had this reality hit home more though then last night. Doug and I stayed over at the Ritz in Boston.

"Don't bring the porta-crib," he said. "I asked for two doubles; she can sleep in the middle of the other one."
"Perfect" I cheerily replied.

That night, as we placed her on the bed, we both immediately realized the error of our ways. As she sunk into the down coverlet, deeper still into the featherbed underneath, we looked at each other in dismay.
(btw - notice my reliance on the cliched above. Error of our ways. Looked on in dismay. It's 7am Sunday, I was up before 6 with these d*mn allergies. I need all the help I can get)

I looked at Doug. "We can't let her sleep like that" I said. He nodded. "I don't actually think she's going to roll over." he began, "but just to be of the safe side we probably shouldn't."

We start inspecting the bed. Hospital corners, double sheets, blankets firmly in place. "It's too much work to strip it" we agreed.

"What should we do?"

"We could put her in the bathtub" I pondered outloud.
Doug just looked at me. It seemed frightening. As if the water would somehow turn on automatically.

"Or on the floor" he said, motioning to an area by the foot of the bed, closer to the window.

I felt funny about it though. "What if we step on her?"
"When? he said. "When we get up to surf the internet in the middle of the night?"
"It seems mean" I dithered.
"It's no harder then her portacrib" he pointed out.
I bounced with my feet. "Rug's soft" I said. I thought about Dateline and bluelights. I thought about bugs crawling on her. I thought about the vent blowing on her head. I thought about a fire in the hotel. Fireman bursting in, unaware that she was on the floor and trampling her. What if one of us sleepwalked? I thought about how tired I was.

I dubiously checked the room drawers. Wondered if they were on rollers attached or if they would really pull out. Too small.

"Ok" I was hesitant. "Do we just, what?, put her down?"

We both started looking left to right. Waiting for something to reveal iteself. the shams, I started thinking. Aha! Into the bathroom, and out with a huge towel. I neatly place it on the floor, perfectly aligned with the foot of the bad. It makes a nice tableau. A virtual crib. We gently place her in the center and cover her with her blankie. I shove a pillow under the chair closet to the vent. To mitigate any rouge airflow underneath.

She's so sweet.

Into bed we climbed shortly after.
We heard her little Ellie noises.
"She's fine" he assured me. "She's fine.

Sometime in the middle of the night, I woke up. "I hear her little feet thumping."
"She's just looking for her thumb" he mumbles.
I peek over. I hear her breathing gently.

We sleep. The alarm goes off at 6. Thanks to room darkening blinds it's still midnight in the desert in there. I hear a thump. Ellie makes a noise.

She must be kicking her feet again, I think. I'll sleep a bit more.
Elllie makes a mewling sound. Well, she's still making noise, I think. I'm half asleep . Doug starts to get up.
"It's ok, I'll get her" I say.

He heads for the bathroom, and I for our baby.

"Oh ELLIE"
And there she was. Only a foot remaining on the towel, the rest of her body sideways, sleeping half under the office desk, her head at the table leg, her foot angled towards the chair.

"I think I know what that noise was a minute ago," I call out. He comes back in.
I point to her forehead against the table leg. Ellie sucking her thumb, sleeping soundly. Doug picks her up.

"No more floor for you" He kisses her and puts her on the bed.

And in that EXACT moment I suddenly realized why babies slept in drawers.

Things That Crossed My Mind Today

Aside from the usual thoughts of "Must sweep hair off bathroom floor" and "Is my sweet baby hungry" I generally spend the day idly (so to speak) thinking random, disconnected thoughts.

Today for example I caught myself woolgathering over the following. In approximately this order but in no way were these my only thoughts...

1. I really like Lucky Charms. They are actually magically delicious. I also screwed myself by siphoning out the marshmallows yesterday because today I had more cereal then marshmallow. Bummer. I was able to locate the REAL Lucky out of the 5 on the box, by using power of reasoning vs. foreknowledge. And finally, that I don't like the new leprechaun. As I write this I am also thinking that I don't know how to spell leprechaun. Then I spellchecked and was astonished that I did. Go me.

2. I was very cute at Heather's wedding 5 years ago. I really liked those teensy brown Banana "Martin" pants. I will never see that size again. That hotel was kind of dumpy too. Were their tiles missing from the floor?? I can't remember. And why-ever did I hook up with Mark briefly. ewww. Hey, I still have a picture of Carla and me from that wedding on the fridge...

3. Ellie's really cute. No really. Wow. Look how cute she is. Wow. I mean, she is really cute.

4. The lyrics to the song O Valencia are reminiscent of "Run Joey Run" (Daddy Please Don't and realistically West Side Story set to music. The Decemberists are also playing at The Orpheum Nov 4 which would be fun to go to but we talked about getting married the 3rd so we might not be able to do both.

5. I was hungry. Ellie was buckled in and we had to go. I opened the fridge and saw my Dole Fruit Naturals. Diced fruit in plastic containers with cellophane lids. I swear to you I actually had the following thought..."Argh. I can't take one of those. How'm I gonna eat it and drive? I wish there was something I could just grab, like those, but that didn't have packaging... that I could eat in the car...that wasn't junkfood. But what?
Oh, I dunno, fruit maybe?

6. Hey, I though Luigi Tailor's was closed. Did he go back into business? Was that his daughter Rose walking out? I though he retired. He's over 80. Oh god, do you remember when he tried to kiss me. Sigh. Sad.

7. I'm lucky that Doug provides a nice life for us. That I can spend time with Ellie and that we can sing, and laugh, and take our time leaving the house in the morning...and stop to buy fresh fruit at this farm stand. Our lives are good. I am very lucky. He's a good man.

8. This Walmart is really far away. Are the prices that much better here? Oh yeah, that's right. They are because I read that article about how they are a monopoly and the ruiniation of Vlasic pickles. I just need binders and they were super expensive at Staples. Oh here they are. Wow, these binders ARE cheap. Ohh look, a box of Lucky Charms.

9. Ellie's really cute. No really. Wow. Look how cute she is. Wow. I mean, she is really cute.

10. I want to be nominated for a one of those "new wardrobe" shows. Like Tim Gunn's. Guide to Style or What Not to Wear. I can show off all my vneck t-shirts. All 9 of them. I really need clothes. Of course they'll just tell me to shop for my new size. I should just ebay my Ann Taylor suits.

11. Why is my neighbor's child screaming like someone is carjacking her. SHUT UP already. Else I'm going to have to Say Something. Tag is NOT that much fun. It just isn't.

12. Ellie is still REALLY cute today. Wow. She's so cute.

13. Canned potatoes are fine. I'm just making a casserole. I may never use whole potatoes again. I wonder if the canned would be good in beef stew? Probably not. I should grab an extra can and fry them for a weekend breakfast with soy sauce. Like hash browns.

14. I had no way of seeing her in her aspen motor scooter with Ellie obstructing me from the grocery carriage. I almost rearended her. Shit that was close. I'm so sorry.

15. Mission aborted, macaroni down in aise 4. Hey Ellie, did you see that onesie that said "now that I'm safe I'm prochoice"? Yeah, I know, only Daddy and Heather would laugh.

16. Are those ferns dying? Did I over water them? Argh. We never should have planted this garden.

17. I don't want to go look in the drier. I don't want to know if the cushion cover shrunk. I should have dry cleaned it. Maybe Doug can look for me. The red probably faded. I have said a million times, don't lean her forward to burp her OVER the couch. It just doesn't make sense.

18. If anything ever happened to Doug I could never stay in this house without him. How do people raise children alone? I'd be so lonely without him. I hope I sleep tonight. Is this the first night I've slept apart from him since Ellie was born? Yes, it is actually. When was the last time before this? Oh that's right. When I was pregnant. That night was awful! I hope I don't turn the lights out and start worrying about "Where do we go when we die" Maybe I'll sleep in peanut's room. Hey, what was that noise? Oh, phew, just Ellie kicking her mattress trying to find her thumb. I'd go in and look but i swear, she scents me.

and finally. What was the quote I heard today?

"I can't change the way I am perceived, but I can change the way I am presenting". I like that.

Phew. Ok, maybe I'll sleep. Goodnight Daddy in your hotel. Belly and I miss you. wait, what was that noise...is the door locked?