So I'm running an errand Saturday and decide to drop by...well, let's just call her "a friend"...a friend's house. Ellie has just eaten and is sweetly docile. Well sated and cozy in her seat. Alert but not fussy. I pull in."Friend" has four children. All well mannered, all kind hearted. But loud. The shear volume of her family is proportionate to the volume in her house.
A louder volume then our home norm.
Ellie looks about, dare I say, confused. She's only 4-1/2 months so there's no real stranger anxiety yet. She mostly smiles at everyone. I place her carseat on the floor and sit in front of it. The children gather around. "Ohhhh," they clamor. "How cute". I lean in. Coo coo, she murmers hopefully. Coo coo I signal back with a smile and expressive eyes. I draw her out of her seat. Coo coo. I place her in "friends" arms.
"WAHHHHHHHHHHH"
"What's the matter" her children cry out. "Is she ok?" "What's wrong with E******?"
"WAAH WAAH WAAH WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
The friend scoops her into her arms in a cradle, ne bear hug. She's got her tucked in close and starts singing in a high pitched scare the dogs voice.
"Wah Wah Wah Wah wahhhh wahhhhhhhhhh wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
Holy shit, I'm thinking. I mean, not to sound arrogant but my kid NEVER cries. Well, I mean, she cries when she's hungry, or when she's pooping, or when a shock of cold air hits her after a tubbie but she's not, like, an indiscriminate crier. Usually she cries with cause.
"Wah Wah Wah Wah wahhhh wahhhhhhhhhh wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wah awah wah awahhhhh ah wah awhahhhhh"
I'm shocked. I even say it outloud.
"Oh my god, I'm shocked." I motion to take her.
"Friend" blocks me with a deft turn of her shoulder. Then she starts tossing out a series of inane questions - the kind you inevitably get when your child is screaming uncontrollably. "Is she hungry" "Is she tired" "Does her belly hurt" "Is it the kids" with her cherubs chanting along side of her the last word in each phrase "She's Hungry" "she's tired" "She's got a belly ache" "Is it us"
"No No" I say "She was fine in the car, I'm not sure what's going on."
If she just give me my f*n kid back maybe I could figure it out, I'm thinking.
Bounce bounce, dance. "Friend" is doing something akin to a triple step swing whilst singing the alphabet song.
"I really need to..." I begin tentatively.
She interupts me. Like one of those precocious 2nd graders with too much validation at home. "shhhhhhh shhhhhh shhhh" she's hissing (yes at her rambunctious but certainly not piercingly loud children) Hissing loud enough that if her kids weren't bugging my wee one, I know for shit sure she was.
By now I'm regreting that i ever stopped. I'm wondering if I snatch her out of "friends" arms will she get hurt. What are the risks here?
I ask for my child back.
"Listen, could I..."
"Oh no" she wails, and turns her body as a shield, back to me. "Don't take her, I'll calm her down, please let me calm her down."
"Wah Wah Wah Wah wahhhh wahhhhhhhhhh wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wah awah wah awahhhhh ah wah awhahhhhh"
Her children are now completely inured to the novelty of a baby in the house and imploring "Friend" aka their Mom for whatever is is they required that second.
"Friend" is doing the equivilent of I-Can't-Hear-You" by walking faster, singing louder. I see a sea of legs, arms, hair. More commotion then I need really. Far more then miss ellie cares for.
Sweet Baby E is in full meltdown. I'm ready to join her.
"Listen" I start to bargain "I just need her for a minute. I need to see what's wrong. I'll give her back."
"You have to give her back" "Friend" sternly admonishes me as she pases her over.
I lift her up. I pace the house. 10 minutes pass. She's calm.
I come back in the room.
"Friend" asks for her back.
"I just got her calmed down" I say.
"Friend" takes her from my arms.
"Wah Wah Wah Wah wahhhh wahhhhhhhhhh wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wah awah wah awahhhhh ah wah awhahhhhh Wah Wah Wah Wah wahhhh wahhhhhhhhhh wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wah awah wah awahhhhh ah wah awhahhhhh"
"Let me try" she says. Off she goes. Alphabet song, bounce, "Wah Wah Wah Wah wahhhh wahhhhhhhhhh wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wah awah wah awahhhhh ah wah" Sing sing song song, dance, sing song. Bounce bounce. On it goes.
I'm pleading now for her. "Listen, I said I'd be home. I really need to get going. I'll come back some other time." I'm ready to promise my next kid if I can just get this one back.
"Wah Wah Wah Wah wahhhh wahhhhhhhhhh wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wah awah wah awahhhhh ah wah awhahhhhh Wah Wah Wah Wah wahhhh wahhhhhhhhhh wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wah awah wah awahhhhh ah wah awhahhhhh"
Finally the cries die down. There's whimpering involved. I see my poor flushed baby in her arms, limp, tired, defeated.
"See," she crows triumphantly "I knew I could get her to calm down."
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