Not everyone loves the Blues...

Hyper focused on Ellie inside, and now out in the nicu. We came home yesterday and Doug is sort of hovering. Rightfully so as its the first time I've walked further then the bathroom since Feb 1 or so. So the house is it's own adventure - as is peeing, showering, standing. Just no muscle strength to stand up from a squat if I drop soap or need something in the fridge! Taking a shower vs washing in the sink, just all sorts of thrilling things. (100% for real btw, it IS thrilling to be standing) I had my first "sitting up" dinner last night since Feb !!!!!!!! Loved it. Just a salad at home but to sit, to get my own drink - was amazing. Just a long hard strained time. I'd like some "special care baby" counseling to deal with the bonding issue so I'm looking for that today. Finding it hard to look at her as mine, finding it hard not to be relieved that they are keeping her there vs sending her home. Feel like a rotten mother. Soon - I hope - that this will pass...