Envy

Since I've had Ellie I've been embarrassed. Not by my shape, not by the state of my house, not by my abilities as a mother...
but by her carriage.
And I can't let it go.

Before Ellie was born, we never registered. Bad luck, bad karma, bad idea. And once it came to 30 weeks, and we knew she'd make it, we thought - oh, we need to push them ourselves and see which we like. We'll wait and get one after.

I bookmarked all the nouveau standards...the Peg, The MaClaren, possibly the Chicco. We ruled out the Bugaboo as exorbitant. Sure we saw the Graco but frankly, it was annoyingly "puffy and plastic-y" looking. All big and corpulent, typical chunky gas guzzling SUV sized carriage - with a bunch of bullshit options. I wanted sleek, I wanted stylish, I wanted the yuppified, glorified carriage that would show that I was a yoga going, whole foods shopping, red wine drinking college educated mom. We have a pact - it's none of that dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets and princess tiara stuff for us. Our kid was going to grow up with Baby Einstein toys, and wooden blocks, and finger puppets. We were going to hold firm against Pooh, The Disney Princesses and anything made in primary colors unless manufactured by Fisher Price or Sassy. Dora would be ok because she was both interactive, and bilingual. But SpongeBob could pound sand.

The problem was - and is - I'm too practical.

My sister - generously - gave me her deluxe travel system. It had the car seat, the stroller, the lay down bassinet that converted to a seat, the awning intact, cup holders, key holders, attachments, a net. She vacuumed it, scrubbed it - then gave me a tutorial on how to use it. Frankly, it was mint save for wear and tear, and far less then you would expect given the amount of use it got.

When she got it, 5 years ago, it was the first year that Graco made it. It was so well made, and so top of the line that to this day, it's the best selling travel system in the US.

And it was sharp. In a yellow and green plaid pattern. Very stylish for it's time. So sharp in fact that over 2 months ago, two Babie R Us employees discoursed long and loudly over the fact that it was both pristine, and unusually well cared for. That Graco just doesn't make 'em, even these few years later, like THAT anymore.

And therein lies the rub.

You know how you can always tell what year someone got their tattoo?
"Road Runner on your left shoulder, Playboy Bunny on the inside of your thigh, Tasmanian devil on your arm - it's the 80's right? Barbed wire on your bicep, tribal art around your belly button, yin/yang centered above your thong - welcome to the 90's. Tattoo on your neck, mural on your leg - I saw that on Miami Ink."
Well, it's the same way with colors and strollers. Brown is the new pink. Pink is the new green. If I had an avocado fridge and a burnt sienna sofa I'd be channeling 1977.

The plaid screams of 2002.

Oh sure, it's nice. And it's the best little carriage.
But I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed because it's old. And heavy. And clunky.

I think people think we are poor. I think they think I'm a bad mother. I think they think I'm not smart enough, or that we are not financially secure enough to have something new aka "the best". I'm so embarrassed that I covered the carseat with a designer (but on sale) blue paisley carseat cover. For a moment all was well. Until I looked down. At my sweet baby. In her makeshift "quick trip" carriage, a cobbled together affair comprised of a snap and go and with the above mentioned carseat. I'm afraid that I'm being judged, and that I won't make any new mom friends. That the "new mom"s will pick the OTHER "new mom"s with better carriages and Ellie and I will be left alone at the Sing A Long with nary a soul to giggle with. I feel a sense of smugness exuding from the "new moms" as they reach in to adjust baby Madeline's nuk binkie, clipped to her gap jumper with its rosebud clip, while they say "Oh, and how old is your..., I'm sorry, is it a boy or a girl?" all the while peering into our pumpkin seat with disdain at Ellie - sweetly nestled in her fuzzy "I love Mummy" sleeper, against the plush brushed cotton of her paisley carseat cover, sucking on her bright, round hospital issue industrial soother.

I feel like I want to say
"Listen lady, this was a conscious choice. She was a preemie and needed to lay flat. She did. For Free. In comfort. Now she likes to sit quasi upright b/c of her reflux but she's still under 12lbs, so the older, less upright carseat works better. Plus it's July. We are only going to be able to walk outside 4 more months. She's only going to be in the infant seat a year. Yes, we can afford $400, we can afford $800, we can actually afford $1200, cash, now - and Doug wouldn't notice. The point is - why? Why on god's green earth am I going to out and spend $400-$800 on a deluxe travel system when the whole things going to be gone in a years time anyway?? What I have now was FREE. Free. It's renewable, it's recyclable. It was her cousin's, who loves her. It's fine."

"And as far as her outfit? She's in a sleeper. She was SLEEPING! We woke up with Daddy at 6am and we left the house as a family at 7. Because THAT'S what's important. Every morning Daddy gets to have his family wish him off for the day. Not sleeping in or treating him like a pariah who has to dress in another room so as not to wake the baby. I didn't change her because it's cool on the lake at 7am and besides, she just ate. I'm going to give her a bellyache so she looks pretty? You're only seeing her in her sleeper at 10, because we walked, then sat and had a bubba, then we talked to the geese and the old man who walks everyday. Then I had coffee and read the paper while Ellie slept. Because we aren't in a hurry. We don't have to run any where or do anything because my FIRST priority during the day - is her. Yes, my stroller is white trash. The only thing missing is a bungie cord to keep things in securely. So what? I'll just wait and get a GREAT stroller for when she actually can hold her NECK up! Yes, my baby has an ugly binky. Um hmm. She has a hospital issue, $1.99, doesn't leave marks around her lips binky. So fucking what. She likes it."

I see all the other first timers out at the StollerStriders class with my bookmarked options, pumping their resistance bands. I feel left out. I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed that my first class with them is Tuesday and I'm coming with a tatty stroller and a towel instead of a pretty "Mommy and Me" play mat.

But I also, in my heart, have my own sense of rightousness. My baby, whose weight I don't know, whose carriage is tacky... my baby is happy. She's eating, she's playing. She's clean, she coos, she's read to, she's held. My baby tracks with her eyes and stares into the mirror. People love holding her, love visiting her. I am a good mother. I'm a great mother. No, we don't have a pink rolled up play mat with a green strap but we have PLENTY of towels. That can double as spit rags, and changing pads, and a blankie, and wash just like ***snap***that! We aren't going to need a mansion to house our things because we are going to MAKE DO! Doug isn't going to have to work until he's 70 or until a heartattack to pay for my excesses.

sigh.

Maybe someday Ellie will learn from me to respect the power of money, to save when you can spend, to use what's usable, to respect the gifts that are generously given to us. If I compromise now, and give in to the stroller, what else will I give in to.