learning the hard way

I only wish I could turn back the hands of time and give myself another 5 years, 10 years of knowing what I know now - and actually using the knowledge.

My sister works for a dance studio. A popular one that turns a modest profit, very modest in fact because there's no money in it but it's well run and leaves a legacy of love and love for dance in it's wake. Last year I put together a program guide for it's recital, partially out of affection for my sister who(m?) I didn't want taking it on herself, partially because I knew it would be expensive to outsource and partially because...well... it's something I know how to do with little effort. Takes time though, but not a ton of effort. I did it, they loved it, and I charged her a token $150. Not because I needed the money but because it's always a good practice not to work for free.

And given I built the template, I figured I'd offer this year. Again not for the money, but for the fact that it's an easy cut and paste. Although I have less time. No time. ZERO time.

People ask me why. Why do you do things for free, for other people. Is it the need to be loved? Admired? Liked? Glorified?

To which I always say no. Honestly.
And myriad years of therapy of soul searching or life experience have taught me this.
I truly believe that if you can, you do.
If you have, you give.
And that if you teach a man to fish., he'll be set for life.

Or so I thought.

Because after swapping emails with the studio owner, I further realized that she's complicated. And that she's going to complicate my life over it. And that it's not going to be a simple cut and paste, it's going to be work.
So I'm about to tell her that I think she needs to turn it over to someone else. With my blessings. And this is the beginning of a new, unhappy dawn for me.

The truth is: she doesn't need me to do it. It would make her life easier, I'd be cheaper...but she can get it done without me.
The fact is: I need to stop because I can no longer judge correctly.

Recently I paid the insurance ill for my crazy HIV shutin. It was$65? $70? She didn't ask - I offered and I paid it with nostrings. Because I see her struggling and I know that money is something I have. And although there were no strings what I am starting to realize is that there are strings, that I am placing - in jugement. Because last week she let me know that she picked up 3 cartons of cigarettes at the store because quitting was just too hard. 3 cartons. Equaling roughly the amount of an insurance payment.

See I thought when people asked for help that they too intended to work towards making their life better. I though we were paddling the canoe. 

But it appears they were looking for a break from paddling. Which is cool, for fucks sake I get that everyone needs a break, but honestly? I have twin fucking children and a three year old and a husband that gets home at 7. We are BUSTING our asses to stay current with our own obligations. I freely give time to anyone that needs it, because I hear you say "I'm desperate, I've tried everything, I'm scared, I need help" But when help arrives? The human condition throws up their collective hands and breathes a sigh of relief. AND STOPS WORKING.

Wow. And that's fair to me.... how?

I had a friend confide in me recently that she was concerned about money troubles. She wants to sell some things, edit out somethings, consolidate some bills. She's not far off track and can and will turn it around. So we talked we strategized. We solved for x by deciding on y. Or Y Not. As in Why don't we do this, this, and that. I offered to help. I'll write ads, I'll post with her etc. All she needs to do is gather and inventory her things by such and such date and time.

Which she didn't.
Because she was busy.

So my point is this, if YOU are too busy to do it, why am I staying up past midnight to meet an obligation to you? I am offering up my time - which retails for about $35 an hour, or $90 if I was a contractor for my old company. Maybe $60 given the economy. I have expertise, passion know how and I'm effective.
But I'm not LOOKING for work.

If you are down, in the gutter, on the ground, saying you need a hand up - shit, I'm not going to walk by you.

But let me say this:

Don't tell me you are broke, and then text me from your iphone.
Don't tell me you need my help getting organized, then let me see you crafting.
Don't tell me you have no time to pick up a bag at my house, but you have time to post on facebook.
Don't tell me you have nowhere else to go, to turn to, no way to get it done, no hope for yourself, your project, your lot in life - but you have time to sleep.

Because I don't.

So don't ask for help - or take my help - and fuck MY family in the process, so you can watch your reality shows.
Just don't.
Because I'm on to you
And you're pissing me off.

.