IT’s NOT ME, ITS YOU– Part Two of a Really Long Two Part Post That Will Not Interest Anyone But Me (so you should skip it)

Ok, so why a part two? Why did I bring the whole thing up?

Ok, the latest email going around is an article in the Boston Globe called "The Perils of Mommy Dating". Two people sent it to me yesterday and one mentioned it in conversation today. It's quasi interesting. One of those lifestyle pieces that if you are already involved in it, you read it thinking, "Cute, trite, kind of realistic but not really" and if you aren't part of it, you think "Wow,. This is SO informative."

And I'm thinking. yes. Being a Mommy is like dating. But for me it’s not from the angle of it's "so hard to meet people". That’s never been my issue. More aptly, once again, I am not discriminating properly.

Really, talk about falling into the same hole.

Yep. I’m there again. Meeting people and adapting. Damn Gemini Sun sign. Shakes fist at sky.
My sister thinks it's being fake.
My father thinks I’m trying to be well liked.
My husband knows it the opposite.

I want people to feel good. I feel good, I’m happy, I’m blessed. And if I can in any way offer someone else some of that energy, spirit, happiness – it’s my, um, duty? It’s a mitzvah I think?

At this point are you thinking "Oh you arrogant bitch you Who are YOU, to take it on yourself to assume you can make someone else happy?"

Sigh. I'm not. I just know that when I look out, and I see someone sitting in a circle at the library, and her heads bowed, and she's tentatively smiling but painfully shy, and I know I'm capable of striking up a conversation. I know I'm capable of carrying the conversation until she gets more confident, so why wouldn't I? I don't do it to be charitable, I don't do it because i think she "needs" me, I do it because I don't want anyone else to ever lose hope, or get depressed, or feel like it's impossible to be a mom. I don't want someone to go home and cry about being lonely when all it took was a smile and a outstretched hand.

Pay it forward.
I'm Annie singing about the sun coming up.

I'm good at it. I'm good at networking. I'm good at entertaining.
And most people I've reached out to say to me, You know, I was feeling lonely, I was feeling blue. I'm glad we met.

The problem is, I'm doing all the same things I did when I was dating. I listen to things I don’t agree with …because that's the polite thing to do. But it's being mistaken for acceptance. I disagree in vague terms, or I stay in contact with a mom whose choices I don’t necessarily respect because… wait for it… I wonder who am I to judge? Who am I to say “Wow, I totally disagree with you.” I’m not going to be RUDE or anything. I need to be...argh...accepting. And suddenly, I'm being asked out, courted even, but not by the right guy. Girl. Mom.

Because I've let HER think we were simpatico.

WHEN WILL I EVER FREAKIN LEARN PEOPLE!!!!????

Yes I made some friends that are real friends. And more every day. I'm doing things I like with people I like and my cup is filling nicely. I'm not sitting here bitching that I don't know which dress I'm going to wear to the 4 proms I've been invited to. I'm just confused on how to navigate relationships with people who have an entirely different set of social engagement strictures.

I find myself, once again in the mist. Not midst. Mist. Can't see clearly anymore. I am - again - making the same mistakes.

Not addressing something out of respect for someone's different viewpoint, but frustrated at their continued insistence on expressing it. Letting something go 16 times and commenting on the 17th, only to have it backlash as me being intolerant. Participating in a relationship that I abhor, but have to sustain, to keep 13 other relationships that I am interested in exploring alive. Here I am again accidentally creating a false sense of intimacy with one person when all I really wanted was a gym buddy and chit chat pal, not a Friend friend. Once again I have confused someone by allowing them to think I cared about them personally when in fact I care about EVERYBODY personally and I was only trying to be nice. To help them. I assumed once they got on their own two feet they’d move ON. I didn’t think we were friends.

My friend Cindy pointed out that I might just be leading Mommy’s on.

“Think about it” she said. "You’re outgoing, you give them your number, you listen, you invite them over – they think 'Great, I met a friend' and you're thinking ‘Terrific, she feels better. Now fly away butterfly, for I have made you strong.’ It’s like approaching a guy and telling him how amazing he is...to set him up with your friend.”

And then i thought "Oh shit. I know what she means. Because Ive been accused of this particular crime before...

Am I? Am I a
…Mommy Tease?

Perhaps someone will create a new website for chameleon mommys. Call it match.mom