Early February, 2009....
I have to start with an email I wrote to a good friend.
The point was that I had been - unfairly to me - mocked for something that I didn't feel was mock worthy. It stemmed from my helping someone out, who wasn't a friend, but was in need, and it took hours versus minutes. And I did it again. And would do it again still.
Shortly after the not so thinly veiled mockery, I was at a playdate with a friend - and reader - whose casual comment sparked a spark in me, and while it had nothing to DO with me and she's a reader so I have to caveat the shit out of this entry, it tweaked something.
Ergo:
my email, third in a string, you don't need one and two to get the gist...
If you don’t mind Im going to use you as a therapy sounding board - but it's all about me so you only need pay a little attention.And I mean SERIOUSLY take yourself out of this b/c I really am not not not talking about you. I can't talk to you if you think it's you - so it's not you. Ok?
So - lately - and this is hard to articulate - I feel, devalued? Like, you are vegan right? And you and hubby practice a lifestyle choice and you do other things like, I dunno, use cloth diapers and people applaud your choices. You are green, you are healthy, you are saving animals :o) Or like A today saying M is the kind of mother she wants to be b/c M made her own food,, and jogs, and knits baby legwarmers. No one mocks her, or you, for all the extra work you do to make that choice because those choices are universally acknowledged as "good" or "right" thus valuable.
Well, I feel like I have something I believe in - truly - and it's a way that I live. It IS about recycling, and giving things away and not hoarding, and keeping the house crazy clean. And disciplining Ellie rigidly about etiquette things. In my heart of hearts the things I do daily, whether it's WSSF or bringing a toy purse to Linda even though it's out of my way, are the way to live. I believe in it and care about it DEEPLY. I believe that by one action, say taking a bag from Laurie, many people are happy. She is happy, my dad is happy, then I sort through it and pull out bras for one friend, then your mom gets things, and a few things went to Salvation Army. I don't do it to MAKE them happy, I do it to balance the universe. I do it because I 100% believe that you can make a difference in your life energy this way and it's the better path. I am not codependent or caretaking. I have bins of things that let's say you can USE. And if I keep them I'm unhappy. So I give because it opens a space to receive. Because something always comes when you give.
And lately I feel like my ideals, my way of life I have to defend. I feel like I'm being mocked/belittled/ or at WSSF, devalued for trying to practice what I believe in. No one dares say anything to you about your choices, or B's hers (expensive big house etc), or A*, or S*, or S*, or M* but somehow to my face it's ok to have a fucking free for all about me and how unnecessary the things I do/value are. I'm tired of the little jokes. I really am.
I listen to the moms at the playgroups, at the park, on the message board - and I want to smack them sometimes with their limousine liberal ideals. They talk about living a certain lifestyle and believing in equality, and giving back, and doing for others and pitching in. Sign this petition, boycott this drug.
Um, ok.
But in application, I also see a slew of people carrying Whole Foods sacks and mommy masturbating over their uniqueness.
And yes, that's a super shitty thing to say and I'm not proud of it but I'm feeling sad, and angry so I'm not looking to be rational.
When it comes to really living a life of reuse, of caring, of doing - I see people who actually have time to do something - and choose not to. CLEAN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE people. What the fuck do you MEAN you can't get your kid dressed after 3 days? It's slothful. All the principles of feng shui, of religion, of counseling speak to it. GET YOUR HOUSE IN ORDER. That's mentally AND physically. So you can use a hemp sack and fill it with new shit OR you can genuinely get off your fucking lazy ass and vacuum out your car. Sleeping until noon? Really. Get UP already.
I feel like I walk the walk and don’t talk the talk. Parable/example: When I was in highschool I hung out with all the theater geek gender benders and I dressed like Holly Hobbie Headband cheerleader. I was big hair queen in college yet hung out with the radio station kids. Both times someone asked the group leader what I was doing there because I didn't "look" the part. To their credit, and mine, both "leaders" said she' s more alternative then you'll ever be and that ended it.
Here's the thing, and maybe this is MY vanity talking but I sometimes feel like my being up, going out, getting the house clean, donating, organizing is some kind of affront to people. Like they have to rip me down b/c, what? I dunno. I'm tired of ABC with her little "Where do you get the energy" sighs and DEF with her "I used to care about that kind of stuff but now I'm so over it" It's RUDE. It's FUCKING RUDE. This is MY life. My choices. Trust me, I think TONS of shit about your choices but I'm not sighing at you, now AM I???!!!
I kind of feel, I dunno, sad maybe? I feel like here I'm taking the high road a lot, I actually DO the shit that's in their GET ORGANIZED magazine - I could teach a fucking course on getting your shit together. I play by all the rules, keep the house clean, pay bills early, recycle, help my neighbors, pay it forward back and sideways, I'm a good mom to Ellie, I'm good to others - so basically ALL the fucking things people SAY they value, I am actually doing - and yet I get fucking mocked for it.
Listen, I live this way b/c it has it's own rewards. The way Doug and I choose to live is WHY we are happy, Ellie's happy and we have money (another thing I'm tired of being embarrassed about)
It's just overall I'm sad today and lately because I wish someone would say just once "hey, I like the way you live" or "you work hard" or even for my values to be respected. And I don't feel like they are.
I generally don't care if someone who doesn’t believe in the same value system I do thinks I suck. That’s ok. I am just wondering how people who PROFESS to believe in what I like to do (sort of) can belittle me?
Charity...
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