Part Three of Four...I Can't Even Give It Away

Present Day, 2009

What brought this up? I received a email today from my sister-in-law. In regards to my nephew. Whose floundering still. Six weeks away from his departure into the military.

I call him and leave him a message.
"Come stay with me" I say "We can find you something to do."

I talk to my husband. tears threatening. "We have the money" he says "And even if we don't have any room for him, we can blow up the bed. Sleep with Ellie. Whatever. We'll pay him $100 a week and he can run errands, watch Ellie whatever. $200 if we have to. It's fine"

He gets it. Usually my husband would point out all the folly of my idea but I think he knows that this isn't something we can talk about. I can't discuss if it's a good idea, a bad idea, if we are enabling, if we are reactionary. It is what it is.

I call my friend. "Listen, he's coming to stay. If you need help, anything. He's available. I don't have enough work for him for the week so if you need help with the kids, the house. Let me know."

This is a friend I talk to daily. I know intimately. A friend whose children I have watched. A friend who I trust with secrets and vice versa. A friend that had a baby less then 10 weeks ago, is tired, and overworked. A friend who just moved 4 months ago. Frankly, someone who could use a hand.

"Let me think about it and call you" she said.

I called a second friend. 8 months pregnant with her 3rd. The other two kids are under four. She lives 10 houses away. Her husband is self employed. Their house is up for sale.

"Listen. My nephew may be staying with me. If you need any help, him to come entertain the boys while you do paperwork, him to help lift boxes out of the attic or move stuff with your husband, like bedframes whatever, call me. I'm trying to organize a work schedule for him."

"Well, not to be rude but what exactly is wtong with him that he's staying with you instead of at home" and then "Let me talk to my husband and let you know."

And I hung up from both turned around and in a funk.
I don't know where to begin.

On one hand I'm like "You are the people who purport to need help. You claim daily that you are tired, worn, frazzled. If you only could get a break. I'm offering you a break. Here is someone, directly in front of you, willing to work for free. To help you."

Ah, but he's a guy. I see. Are you worried about rape? Drugs? Child molestation?

and to that I say "Oh for fuck's sake.I get it. I do truly. But you know me, right? You trust me? It's ok for me to be in your house, in your life, around your kids. But you don't trust me enough to take my assurance, referral and recommendation that he is legitimate?"

Well, maybe I'm in denial. I'm blind to his faults. I don't really know him.

"Yep. Ok. So I suddenly, what, lost my mind? What EXACTLY do you think he's going to do? Wander off with your child? Abduct them? Hurt them? Assault them? Please DO explain. Because frankly, you are going to be home the whole time. He's going to be in your playroom with you, where, in the kitchen, two feet away. What praytell is he going to do?"

But forget all that. Forget everything about being with the kids. What about all the projects your husbands have. Cleaning out the basement, moving shelves, clearing the attic. Your husband will be there the whole time.

"I don't know. I'll have to see."

"How funny," I think.

How funny it is when someone calls me and asks me if I will help I say first "Sure I will. I don't know in what form, but I'll help."
Then I think about it.

How daily I think "I can find a way. Sure, we can do that. Let's be creative! What do you think you need?"

And I wonder what it would have cost either of my two friends to say to me:

"Yes. I'll find a way to help you out. I may not need him but I'll talk to my husband and we'll make up a project for him to do. We'll create something. Yes, he can help us. Because I want to help you."

I want to say to my friends
"Really really think about it. Because exactly many times, ever, have I come to you and said 'Help Me'"

"Yes, please help me GIVE YOU A HUMAN BEING TO HELP YOU AT OUR COST BECAUSE WE ACTUALLY DON'T NEED HELP BECAUSE OUR SHIT'S ALL DONE. Let me BEG you to get a free helper. Let me prostrate myself in front of you calling in my favor chip on the form of GIVING you free labor.

Sigh.
Patience, patience.

Then I think, bitterly, that people deserve to be unhappy.

But you aren't me. And your mission isn;t charity. And you live differently.
And I'm not right, and you're not wrong.

But what kind of world do we live in when you have a kid, a good kid, no drugs, no drinking, fit, fluent, kind, vouched for, strong, willing and able - who can't even work for FREE.

If you won't give him a break, who WILL you give a break?

And while you are at it, take that fucking yellow ribbon off your car because you don't mean that shit either.