A Million Years Ago

A million years ago I sat in a cube at Fidelity and thought it was important. I cared if my boss thought I was a slacker, I was upset that when I changed sizes at 33 from a 4 to a 6, I had an apartment that I loved, with a rent 1/3 less then my mortgage today. I was dating an asshole, partially. Not a partial asshole mind you but a full on asshole, part of the time. I had cute hair, great nails, normal food supplies and a really clean bathroom. A million years ago I could drink like a fish, and get up the next day. A million years ago I had a 10 pass season ticket to the Bruins, a date or an invitation each weekend, or at a minimum a blind date. Likely I didnt appreciate what was good, because I know that a million years ago I was looking for a change. A million years ago, if there was a fork in the road, I took the worst traveled. Honestly. i think about it now, what I wasted, and when. I think about squandered days, a squandered figure ( I COULD have worn that dress), squandered regrets where I should have rejoiced. I squandered energy on people and things who didn't deserve it, and I squandered more then a couple of years chasing all the wrong dreams.

Am I happier today?
Absolutely.

But regrets? I've had a few. And I'm feeling them so much more lately. Something about having Ellie, and losing a part of my identity has finally set in. I find myself tryin to explain it, over and over, in different verbiage, to a friend who i know doesn't really get it. The focus becomes on my examples, not the nuances. I don't need so much for her to understand, but for someone - anyone - to have that "aha" moment with me.

Here's the thing. I was single. Very single. I had a decent job, good money, great savings in the bank, a solid reputation and fairly good relationships. But I was clinging too much to what I thought I had built. I stayed at the party too long and realized almost too late it was time to go. So I left. Quickly. And threw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater.

I think that's where I am now. It's wild when I think I hadn't even MET Doug three years ago. I was single. Then we went out. And were engaged in under a year, and pregnant with 14 months. I changed jobs, the roles, then left my job. i moved in with him, after 11 years of living alone, and now I'm a mother.

Sometimes I say "I just miss my friends. I miss my old friends." But I dont think that's it. I guess I miss simpler times, which were, in hindsight, SO much simpler, yet I complicated them so unnecessarily.

Today I spoke to three woman on the phone, none I knew before having Ellie. Each unique in their own way, each contributing to my life in different ways. Would I trade one for another, or for someone in my past, no surely not. But I think I would trade this day, today, for one day then - but knowing what I know now.

There are times when i just want a huge red pause button. I want to DVR my life and take just one day to be human again. To not operate frenzied, to not wake up angsting about whether Ellie's going to rise early, about what can I feed her, about where can i go to fill the day. I want to just pause her, him, everyone and spend the day - the metaphorical day that is - putting everything back where it was. I want to know what size I am. I want to remember what i used to cook. I want to go to the store and not worry about a car seat, I want to sleep for 5 hours from 12 to 5 and wakeup to apply makeup and go to a bar. I want to have sex and not be tired, to eat and not think i can't exercise it off, I want to be hopeful.

I miss drinking, and singing, and dancing. I miss being buyant and vibrant. I hate somedays being the team, the cheerleader, the coach and the pepsqaud. I miss the energy I had, and the people I knew who had it too.

I wouldn't go back, I wouldn't trade Doug, I wouldn't trade Ellie - but I wish I could trade ME for the old me. Once and a while.