Cool as A Cucumber

There's an expression we use here, quite frequently, and I'm just not sure how universal it is.
It goes something like this.
Someone tells you something. Something outrageous, outlandish. Just plain crazy.
And you say an older variant of "OMG" and a younger one of "Are you serious"
Essentially you say:
"Are you shitting me?"
But here in Massachusetts you drop the g.
So it's kind of a goomba, Joe Pesi thing.

It can be in response to something harmful:
"Hey, did you hear about Sharon? She put her hand through a glass door thinking the screen was in."
"Are you shitting me? That's terrible"

Dangerous:
"Be careful heading in town tonight. There's a guy who's been sitting off the side of the road on 93 shooting at blue Suburbans."
"You're shitting me? You serious? Holy Shit. You gotta be shittin me"

Or completely innocuous but exciting nonetheless
"Hey. I went down to Market Basket. Blueberries are $2.00 a pint for HUGE blueberries."
"You're shitting me? No shit?"

To which the only truly proper response is
"I shit you not"

I bring this up to illustrate a truly poignant moment of mommying.

Act One
Whereupon my daughter wakes, dazed and cuddly from her nap, rolling on "the big bed" in her room.

I come in, and notice an old brown blood stain on the sheets.
"hmmm," I think to myself. "I didn't have my period, and it's not really in the right spot." I look closer. "Hmm. It's right under Ellie. Was she sleeping on it? How did I not notice? Maybe it's a spot from my nephew. He plays hockey - perhaps a finger cut, acne. Who knows. It's a smallish spot but large enough to stain so I'll strip the bed. After we cuddle. We sit and she bumps up and down on mommy. Rolls to the left, then to the right. And I notice another stain.

Odder still. Was that just there?
I look closely. It's old looking. I smell it. Smells sweetish, not strong. Must be old blood I think.
Hell of a cut.

We cuddle more.
And roll some more. And sit on pillows and toss the blankie back and forth.

And wait. there it is again.
Another blood smear.
Here
And here.
and HERE. And here and here and here.
I scream.

"Oh my GOD Ellie - look at me!!!! You're bleeding!!!"
Because I'm totally low key and nonreactionary like that.
"Look at mommy. LOOK at mommy!"
I pry open her teeth, check her eyes, her ears. Where is it coming from? I look at her leg. BLOOD. Dried blood.
Oh my god!

I scream into her face "Ellie, ELLIE - ARE YOU ALRIGHT???"
At which she's looking at me thinking "Shit lady, are YOU alright?
and I finally in my obviously addled state look down at her diaper. Connected to her heretofore mangled limb.

And it's leaking shit.
All over.
Sweet-scented blueberry shit.
Running down her leg.

From the sale at Market Basket.

I shit you not.