Gimme Just a Little More TIme...

You know, I'm tired.
Not tired as in fed up. Just general, run of the mill...tired.

Doug had gone away on a Tuesday and I found out about the pregnancy loss on Friday, then the subsequent removal of "the evidence". I had a houseguest who insisted on expressing her concern via asking after the "D&C" which I find an unavoidable yet overly harsh term.

Meanwhile, the following day we had a wedding.

The day after we did yardwork readying for the contractors.

The next two days I was busier still. With folks in the house, and out, and my husband working to make up for the time out. Then we had a death. And he went down to see his friends, and that took three days. Visiting, then the wake, then a funeral.

So I was alone.
Not lonely alone.
Not no friends alone.
But parenting alone.

The next week, this week, it rained.
And my husband had more time off. One day for me, and another to run errands, and then he flew to Vegas, and I am home alone.

The contractors are still working outside, and inside I maintain order, and select things like mailboxes, doorbells and light fixtures.

My days are distracted, there is likely too much tv, and definitely not enough meal prep.

I'm eating a box of cake mix instead of a meal. Several meals over.
Same box, just keeping adding milk to the fourth of a cup powder separated into a bowl.

I'm not depressed, not losing my mind, my temper, my patience.
But.
BUT.
But I'm wondering where my day is.
When my day is.

I love Ellie, good god I find things everyday to marvell over.
Today we sat outside, on day 5 of the rain, and played anyway. Rubber boots, rubber toys, rubber coats. We sat in the driveway and played with bubbles, and balls and jumped in puddles.

Why the fuck not?

She's happy these days. I'm happy too.
I'm tired though. I's been 13 days of maintaining, of moving forward, when what I want, what I really want, is a day where it's about me.

Oh not "lets talk about the baby/ies"
Just me.

I want to sit in the sun and sit. And not talk, not process, not fix, charm, maintain, protect.
I want to sit in the sun and feel the sun, hear the water, and get a minute.
one fucking minute
to just be listen to whatever the fuck the universe wants to tell me.