I’m sorry that I lost my temper. In thinking about it I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m pretty angry. I think the conversation triggered an issue I have with you – with me about you. I can’t help but get mad at you for what I perceive as a lack of ownership as to how your actions and thoughts impact your reality.I’m sorry that Laurie sending you the medal brought up feelings of sadness – and loss. Loss of what you want and desire in relationships with your grandchildren. And too, it must feel to you like “Why? Why am I on the outside looking in.”
Through the years I’ve tried to talk to you. And at times tried to cushion you from pain. I have tried to guide you to realizations that in part, your actions play a role. But you have assumed I was blaming you. Im not. One of the things you learn in business, and in therapy, and in life – is that at times you have to cope with what’s in front of you – as it is – not as you want it – and that from that, you create the best possible outcome. And given a choice, at every choice, you seem to always pick them one that will inflame the situation.
While I felt bad that you felt upset, - I even told you how stupid I thought she was - I wanted to illustrate to you that sending BACK the token seemed reactionary, and yes, childish. And that fuels what is bad in your life – not good. I know you tend to hold on to that boomer post therapy mantra that “you need to do what’s right for you and why should Laurie hurt you but not you her” but that is so so typical of YOUR generation. You guys are stuck in the “I need to do what’s right for me” and yet you wonder how you raised a generation or what you perceive as people not doing what’s right for the whole.
In part YOU need to rise above things FOR YOU. Not because you owe it to Laurie because at what point can you acknowledge that you were not included or don’t have the relationship based in part on who YOU are. Accepting that is painful but lashing out, blaming, and pointing fingers without ever having the introspection to see your own part – is, well, not something I am going to continue to support.
People choose the relationship they have with people. As soon as you recognize that YES, people disappoint – and that you make a meal out of the leftovers – that’s when you’ll be happy. Every relationship I have is not fair, or good, but I let it be for the sake of having at least SOME relationships. Im not going to point out how I think your relationships could be cultivated because we have had, and hashed, that conversation – but I also am at a loss for what is a safe topic zone for us. I know you are hurt by the lack of a decent relationship with Bill and Melissa kids – blaming her that there is no relationship – but although she started it, your actions then contributed to it. You can’t acknowledge that its in your power to change it, and you don’t like the cost of doing so or the feelings of rejection around it.
The simple fact is over the last several years, I think you settled into a reality that places you as an outsider, and you as the victim. You are always well intentioned and you want to be seen that way, but you seem incapable of jumping into the shoes of those around you. To a degree, you desire that everyone treat you a certain way but appear unable to reciprocate. You cannot accept criticism, or blame. And even well intentioned suggestions – because honest to god your perfume IS too strong – are scorned. You disrespect what others ask of you (I say “please don’t do this and you say I’ll do whatever I want” then laugh -) You disrespect others opinions – yet demand people respect you
Im at a loss for how to say this so I’ll speak plainly. I don’t want to be a part of our relationship any longer. I take no pleasure and no comfort in it. As much as you feel sad about what you don’t have in your relationships, I too feel sad that my mother is who she is and that I don’t have the relationship that I want. I don’t like the way you act, and I don’t agree with how you think. You are a good warm funny kind person but all that is buried under these layers of anger, defensiveness and bitterness.
You point to the fact that we aren’t there because “This generation doesn’t respect their parents” You need to respect people to get respect. I hate talking to you because – for one, you are so so disrespectful of people. Of me, of peoples opinions, of others thoughts – feelings. Its so rare to have a glimpse of the soft, fun, personable you. For example - You have talked endlessly about things I have no interest in but I listen and talk about it with you. In fact, it’s ridiculous but when I picked you up at the airport you talked for 25 SOLID minutes (I started looking at the clock) about Danielle, her wedding, every minute detail down to the food – and when I interjected at 28 minutes about my life you actually said “This isn’t ABOUT you, we are the ones that went away.” A relationship isn’t a monologue. Its not about listening to you talk about your life, your job, your travel plans, your house renovations and your interests. It feels like you have no REAL interest in other peoples lives and when you DO ask me about something, and I tell you how I feel, you proceed to devils advocate and point out the other side.
Over 7 years ago, when I lived in W**d on E** Street, I told you our relationship was in jeopardy and that it needed to change. I’ve had therapy And I think that it might be time for YOU to consider talking to someone too.Not because of ME – but because I think I see IN YOU the need for it. And I don’t think I’m alone.
I don’t know. I feel bad. I know there are so many good things about you – you sense of humor, your love of silly things, the way you play with Ellie on the floor, with ALL the grandkids. That you like beaches, and North Conway. I see an awesome person I’d love to spend time with – but in your mind, there is so much shit. It’s a landmine. And its just not easy to be authentic with you because you REALLY and I mean REALLY wont look at reality. You and I aren’t capable of having a good or honest relationship and I think it’s you now, not me.
I think for the last several years I’ve “shown up” because I am trying to protect you, I don’t want you to feel the pain of not having relationships, or holidays, or whatever. But as you know, seven years ago I asked for change, and even more recently. And you are the same. So I hold you at an arms length because YOU are unable to be truthful with yourself. And to be fair, you don’t really want it to be better. You just want the trappings. The dinners, the vacations together, the obligatory holidays. You just want us to toe the line. Im not going to do that anymore. Im not coming for Christmas. I don’t want to. It isn’t my job to show up at every occasion, birthday, holiday etc because no one else does and try to “create” the illusion of a family event. It’s not fair to me, or to Doug. And I’m sorry. And I don’t value the time together any longer because our relationship just isn’t that good. I don’t want to be in it – and its not possible to work on it any longer.
When you moved to NJ, you said “Ive paid my dues, it’s my turn now. You kids will grow up and leave, I need to put my husband first” Understand that it’s my turn now. I’ve paid my dues.. I’ve come up when others haven’t. I’ve tried to make up for the fact that your other kids have been shitty. But its not fair to me. I thought years ago that it was worth having a relationship and that Id just set boundaries – and I thought too that once you felt the wall, youd feel the loss and maybe get help. Or ask why you were shut out. But you didn’t. And now, sadly, I just am at a crossroads. I don’t want to fight with you but I’m not interested in being in this totally fake cant say anything relationship. You like who you are and you don’t want to change. I don’t like who you are becoming and I’m not interested in being in a relationship UNLESS you change. So we are at an impasse.
As far as coming for Halloween, that’s too bad. For you. Again, you are making the wrong choice I invited you to share what I’ve created here, to be a part of a nice holiday. I invited you to partake in something that was about Doug Ellie and I - to reach out to you and have you share in a “family” thing like you are always wanting to create. You want to lash out because you are angry.. So what have you gained? You’ve isolated yourself further. Is that what you wanted?
Listen – I think you were acting like a baby. A huge baby. A pain in the ass baby. That’s the facts. And maybe if I didn’t bite my tongue so often, I could have let it go. But I didn’t. So the cat is out of the bag, and the milk is spilled and perhaps this is for the best.
But just so you know, I’m not planning on calling or reconnecting this year. I think you should consider getting therapy and I have a terrific referral for a practice in Winchester. If you go, I’ll go with you. But otherwise, I’m not going to reconnect this year. I’ll email you after January 1, 2010 to see where we are.
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