The Vagina Dialogues

I asked my friends "What are you calling it?"

I'm stuck. I'm not happy with "vagina". I'm not a prude, I'm not adverse to discussing it. I jut don't like the word. Like Crotch. Or Suede. Or Taupe. They are just ugly sounding words.

I had a friend who's mom was a floral designer. We used to drive around and faux marvel at shrubbery. "Ooohhh what a beautiful example of a Chlamydia bush." If we weren't in our twenties, she would have smacked us.

I had two relatively normal friends come out and say "We're calling it a vagina. We just don't have a problem with it."

Neither do I, I mean. Except for you know, when I was a kid and the kids who called it a vagina were named Reuben, got their asses kicked and were overly precocious in the way that adults say they like but later mock to other adults.

"There's something WRONG with it" I said to my mother in law on the phone. "What did you call it?” “Well” she said “It never really came up. I had two boys remember and they were years apart. I said vagina but I'm sure Douglas might have taught his brother another name for it.”

I honestly can't remember what we said growing up. My mother was pretty frank about sex, about body parts, about keeping it clean "down there" and also not ever ever ever letting a strange man touch you. So we were all clear. Now I call it a cho'cha. My stepsister introduced me to the phrase about 25 years ago and it's never bothered me.

My friend Carla calls it a Mickey Rooney. She has no idea why. It was something her mother used to say. Although, this IS the same girl who squealed "Burberry!" in London whereupon my other girlfriend craned her neck screaming "WHERE’S Bill Murray???" so it could just be a Boston accent thing.

"Why wouldn't you just uses its proper name?" my girlfriend queried "That is what it is."

I know, I know. Sigh.

But here's the thing. TONS of things have proper names but we don't use them. And it's not out of prudishness or an inability to. They just don't SOUND right.

"I'm sorry. I'm just in a bad mood. I think I'm commencing my menstrual cycle."

"We really should have intercourse more often."

"Call me on my mobile phone at my business establishment and we'll arrange a mutually convenient time to masticate together."

I just don't want to be standing in the kitchen next year and have her walk in crying.

"What's the MATTER honey, are you ok??"

sniff sniff baby voice cry "I hurt...I hurt my vagina falling off my bike."

"Oh no honey, actually you hurt your pubis bone. It's looks like you banged your tibia up pretty bad as well."