Bi Between The Sheets

I can sleep on both sides of the bed. Near the wall? Great, I can snuggle in. Near the lamp? Terrific, I'll read.

My husband cannot. It throws off his equilibrium.

Which amazes me because no matter where we sleep, he sleeps in the middle, with all the blankets. Roll left, pull tug turn. Roll back, pull tug turn. I wake up in the night with no covers, crowded and cranky. I sleep horribly because my husband sleeps horribly.

My husband considers it a personal affront if you come to bed dressed. Sleeping is a naked thing. Which I find uncomfortable. Not because I'm a prude, or worried about a fire or children seeing nudity. It's just not cozy. I like to be wrapped, swaddled if you will.

Which is tough with no covers. See paragraph above.

Which leads me to now.
5:30.
Up.
Tired.
It went something like this.

Deb. Right side. Unclothed. Cold. Crowded.
Sighs. Tries to get covers. Husband grunts. Deb takes pillows and creates cocoon. Tries to burrow. Moves foot. Ankle flares. Ouch.

Deb. Thinks it would be nice if window was open. Needs air to breathe. Room is stale. Sighs. Husband doesn't like window open. Wishes for covers.

Deb. Realizes she is tired. Hopes for sleep. looks at clock. NO NUMBERS! Deb worries about vision. Look again. NO NUMBERS! Deb going blind! Oh no! Deb frantic. Can't SEE Can't SEE. Deb realizes clock is angled so display is backlit. Whew.

4am. Too early to get up, too late for decent nights sleep.

Deb. Feels tiny itch. Scratches. Is that a bump? OMG. What was that. Is that a bump? Search again. Where was it? Knows she felt a bump. Panics. Worries about herpes, worries about warts. Minutes spent relocating bump. Panic ensues. Wide awake.

Restless.

Deb: Outloud into room: Are you asleep?
Husband: No
Deb: silent
Husband: Is something bothering you
Deb: Can't sleep
Husband: Are you thirsty?
Deb: rethinks dinner of french fries and wine? Yes
Husband: There's a glass over there
Deb: Up, out, gets glass, faucet, water, husband, water, bed

Nothing
Minutes

Husband: Do you need to sleep by the wall?
Deb: Maybe

No one moves

Restless movements. Minutes pass. Deb sighs.
Pillow hits head.
Husband moving.
Deb moves.

Now by wall. PILES OF COVERS.
An oeuvre of duvet.
Snuggles in.
Thinks sleep might happen.

Husband. Pulls entire network of blankets over shoulder, rolling sideways, leaving Deb with bottom right triangle only, cold, naked, next to HUGE chasm beside wall.

Deb. Noises of protest.
Husband. Grumpy. "You took all the covers"

Deb: LOUDLY indignant. "I did NOT take all the covers. You took all the covers. I never HAD any covers. If I had covers I'd be sleeping. I haven't had covers all night, you always take the covers."
Husband: Affectionately. "shut up"
Deb: "Fine. I hope you enjoy your ill begotten covers."

Newspaper hits front door.
Sigh.



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