Yeh, I guess I am in a bit of a funk. No nothings wrong, in fact I had a nice weekend with excellent plans and good company. So I'm not terribly disenfranchised. Just...hmm... not feeling up. Not down, just not up.
I think there comes a time, like I said prior, where you are just trying to make the best of something vs seizing the best of something. And my husband and I are nothing if not practical. So we keep finding reasons, and explanations, to justify how we live day to day. But there part of my lately, and this is CLEARLY a theme in my life anyway, that wants to strike out and create something great - versus making do. Making do well mind you, but making do.
Listen - one of the ways in which we stay happy is by not "wanting". Neither of us generally wants fine cars, clothes, trips, presents, furnishings so seldom do we feel a longing discontent for those things. That's how we stay in a small house. With older cars. And no video games. Or tres fancy gadgets.
Could we tax ourselves, spend a bit more, yes. But then we'd have to sacrifice more, and at heart, I think we both don't like the value proposition. When we were talking about adding on a room, we analyzed the cost per square foot to build, the potential financial return, and then the estimated amount of hours we'd use the room. We are ...nice..but not very FUN people. On sale? Get two? No thanks. We don't need one. But it's free? Ah, nah, where will we put it. For crying out loud, I don't even take birthday favors home from the party. The key to being happy with what you have is wanting what you have. It's a mantra. Most days, it's a good way to live. That way you don't envy, you don't waste money trying to buy happiness. Trying to chase dreams.
But what do you do when one day all you have starts looking shabby and tatty. Worn out. Used up?
Yes, I'm talking about my body.
No no, just kidding.
It's here. After a winter indoors everything looks so ...grungy. Used. Threadbare. The furniture is chipped from baby toys ramming into it, the couches smell like 21 year old ass, or is it axe? The curtains bought at Target when we moved in showing their cheapness. Everything looks so...dead really.
I guess I have this mentality that you buy it, and use it. If it doesn't taste good, you eat it anyway. If it's not broken, you don't get a new one. We have Crate and Barrel dishes that DO NOT FIT in our dishwasher. So every night I handwash and dry our plates. EVERY night. Just buy a new set of plates for fucks sake, right? But no. I can't. "Because these are the ones I own, dammit." I was in HEAVEN when my Pfaltscraft glasses finally went. Every last one of them broke. Yippee. After 10 years I got new glassware.
What's my point? Meh. I have no idea.
I just spent an hour in the closet (literally, not metaphorically homosexually mind you) and pulled out the "summer" clothes. Honestly. It's shit that's so old I wouldn't donate it to disaster relief. It's too dated to give to a friend. Too scratchy, too ruffly, too young, too tight, too everything.
Yet I pulled it all out and hung it. For myself to wear. Because it's going to make me feel good? I think not.
And now, as I write this, I'm looking at a small pile to my left. Of clothes that the consignment shop is likely to reject. Yet I'm reluctant to bring them in.
Why?
Because it's an admission that they are never going to fit again, look good again? Maybe.
Or maybe it's because - secretly - I think "Maybe they still look good and I'm just blind to that fact. I'm going to give them away and they DEEPLY, darkly regret it. Forever."
I'm agonizing.
"Oh but they are new. Read: more then 4 years old. Oh but they are cute Read: yes they were, when I was thinner and hip length sweaters were in.
They are wearable and practical.
Never mind that I practically wear them.
I'm just blue I guess.
Pulling out summer clothes from 3 years ago, feeling blue that this is another year I'll look shitty and tatty, just like my rugs, just like my curtains.
wah wah wah.
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