Breaking The Fourth Wall

Hey.
Hi.
Hello.
Don't get awkward, ok?

A couple of weeks ago, I become concerned about some of the traffic to my site. I don't have a counter, I don't track paths. But I got a few comments that weren't local, and I couldn't verify the author, and I started to wonder from whence they came.

About 3 weeks ago I added something called Stat Counter to my blog. It's hidden html and it tracks IP addresses. Usually I don't check it, but a couple of days ago, I got an extremely odd comment from someone wholly unconnected - her age, her personality, her blog. She wasn't anyone that I'd meet halfway...so I pulled an analysis. Mostly because if you read through my blog, you eventually figure out who I am, where we live, you can right click and save my daughters pictures. It just want to get a sense of where people are coming from. Literally that is, not metaphorically.

Because here's the thing. I choose to be public, and I did put this out there. But I didn't publicize it. I'm not on FB, it's not on my signature line. In fact, I'm pretty on the down low about it.

About a year and a half ago, a friend attached me to her blog, and a second friend then added me to her blogroll, and I suppose my vanity let myself stay there. It's nice to be read. It's nice to feel connected. I truly didn't mind that she publicized me, nor was I upset that I potentially knew readers. Yes, it changes the anonymity, it changes some of the tone but for the most part, I try to write for myself and try not to be overtly hurtful. I also had no real idea who was visiting, for how long, how often. I'm not super interesting and I'm not always relevant.

So when I pulled the report the other day I was...surprised I guess. I was able to see some paths of folks who linked through a third party blog, and how frequently they visit. The tool allows me an IP address and a service provider, so I can see say, that someone in Happytown who has Comcast is accessing me through wordpressbloggerjane. Daily. Several someones.

Now don't be upset, because I'm not spying on you. It goes no further then that. And I'm not upset that you are here, in fact, I hope as you read, you find that we have some things in common, some things that make you think, maybe some things that make you smile. I hope that over the last couple of days maybe you've thought something better about me, or we've touched each other. Because you ARE part of it, whether I know it or not.

When I met my husband he said he was "charmingly hopeful or hopefully charming" depending on your viewpoint.
I hope you feel the same.
Or maybe I'm the blogger you love to hate.

Either way, I just want to say this. I'm not always fair. Sometimes I'm hurt, or angry, like on Monday. And if you know me, my schedule, my friends...it's pretty easy to figure out who knows someone who knows the someone I was talking about. I know she wouldn't come here in a million years and I further know that without this blog, I'd have likely detonated the friendship. I'm still angry with her. I'm still processing how to address it. I wouldn't hurt her for the world. But I can't be sure that someone else wouldn't hurt her.

If I don't know you are here, I can't protect you. If I don't know you are reading, I can't censor for you. This isn't me defending myself, this is my coming to you and saying "Please respect what you find here".

You are always welcome here. You are always welcome into my life if you want to be in it. You are welcome to like me, or choose based on who I am, to dislike me. You don't need my permission. But I am asking you to respect me. You are for all intents and purposes standing in my house. If I didn't invite you in but you came, please don't hurt someone else because of me. Don't send my link to someone to inflame a situation. To read me to have ammunition against me.

I can't control who visits here nor do I want to.

But I can ask you to be careful. Because my words here were written as a form of self expression for me. I didn't solicit your attention nor would I willfully hurt you, or someone else. But if your intentions are different, I'm asking you - respectfully - to please move on.

If you stay, if you want to stay, thank you.
I'd love to have you.
I'd love to hear what you think, hear more about you.

I hope you aren't angry.
I just needed to let you know.