Suburban Anxiety

Someone just rang the doorbell.
Several times.
Aggressively.

I yelled down. "Who IS it???"
No answer.
Ellie's in the tub.

I go to the window and see a man, shifting, foot to foot, loosely holding a vaseful of flowers.
No car on the street. No uniform.
Just a guy and flowers.

Now I know tomorrow is surgery date.
And the chances of a random crazy doing a "flower scam" to break in and what? Molest me? Steal from me? The chances are slim.

But I also know tht my friends know about me and flowers. So unless it's someone Doug knows...

Maybe I watch too much CSI but to be fair, flowers or not, I'm not whipping my door open for anyone during the middle of the day.

He left.
I opened the door.
No note, no vase, no post-it saying "We tried to reach you"
Nada.

I wait for a call.
Maybe the florist will try and reach me.
Nothing.

The phone rings.
AHA! It's Heather.

"Did you send me flowers?" I asked.
"Hell no" she hooted. "If I wanted to send flowers to the nursing home, I would."
The girl KNOWS me.
I fucking hate florists, flowers, floral deliveries. All of it.
$4 at Stop and shop for carnations, hooray!
Anything else: edible arrangements, chocolates, flowers, bah. I donate.

No, I'm not grateful to be thought of.
It's like sending a vegetarian Omaha Steaks.
I dislike the consumerism, the mark up, the waste. Send me a note. $.44 and I'm yours. But flowers? Now I have to trim stems, smell them, replenish water, find a place to display them, look at them, SMELL them..then they die. What was the point? $50 to say "Hi"? Next time, just say "hi" ok? Thank you and really, thank you. But don't waste your money.

So finally I go outside. I hunt on the ground.
A note under the bushes.
From the florist.

"We tried to deliver"
Sigh.

I call.
"Can you tell me who from?"
They tell me.

Shit.
They are from people I like.
A lot.
I'm going to need to thank them.
Yet it's the second or third time they've sent flowers...

So now Ellie and I are going to drive to the florist.
Hi ho, hi ho
it's off to the nursing home I go....