The Over & The Under

It's so bad I don't even want to discuss it.
So silly, so dramatic, so asinine, so childish, so awful, so embarrassing, so...my mother, that I can't stand it.
I'm HOW old?

I seriously SERIOUSLY looked at Doug today and just said out loud "I wish I was someone else right now".
I wish I could just move.
Leave.
Find a hideaway and... hide away.

I am currently in the midst of what I think is the fifth or six, blow it up blow it out dramedy that I've been in in about four years. Self created of course or I wouldn't feel bad.

Awful really.

It started on Friday, harsh words over something misunderstood. Someone who hadn't seen me asked if I was pregnant but it came about awkwardly, I didn't respond properly and then it got progressively worse. I felt cornered, she felt confused, I tried to sidestep, the other parties involved answered on my behalf, I got annoyed that it was even being addressed and I snapped 'I don't want to talk about it".
To which the innocent bystander huffed, snipped, pissily responded that she was "Never going to ask anything about anyone again then"
Harumph.
and crossed her arms over her chest.
To which I semi stood up in my chair, point blank looked at her and said, as nastily as I have ever addressed anyone "Perhaps if you had bothered to read my body language or pick up on any of the cues I sent you, you would have stopped asking. It's not about YOU. Hard as that is to believe, for once in your life, it's not about you."

Holy shit, right?
Exactly.

Yeah, real crowd stopper, that's me.

Meh. What was it about? A couple of things. She's been gone a month, I disliked her cutesy approach, I disliked being asked in public, I disliked her flouncing pissy response when clearly something was wrong. I disliked the whole fucking thing. 

"Whats the big deal, why didn't you answer her"
Well that ones easy. I panicked.

I don't like talking about it without warning. It's sort of shocking still. And I said that we would talk about it later, because I disliked discussing it in front of kids. My daughter doesn't know, although I look it, and the other kids suspect but because no one is discussing, it's not being... discussed.  My reasoning is if they dont make it, I dont want to explain to children the concept of death. Nor do I want to have issues with anyone else if I respond too directly, and introduce a topic that they don't want covered.

So yeh, I was awkward and not prepared. I still struggle with answering people.
It usually goes like:
Them: "Look at YOU. Sooooo News? When are you due?"
Me: "Oh not for a while, it's a long way off." Breaking eye contact, fidgeting.
Them " Really? When? This summer? Whats your due date?"
Me: "It's not until late summer, early September."
Them: "Oh what day?'
Me: "Um, actually I'm having twins so the due date kind of fluctuates. It's more of a goal date...."
Them: "TWINS!! That's so exciting? Were you in fertility? Does it run in your family? My brother had twins..."
and I'm just like ... stumped.

The due date thing. It...kills me. I don't have a due date, I have a wish for date. I don't measure my pregnancy in when it's scheduled to end, I measure it in how many weeks have I collected. I think "14 now, how many until bedrest, 30 until viability and maybe I'll make it."

I'm sorry for that.
I'm sorry if I can't be grateful, if I can't just enjoy it. I'm sorry if my lack of enthusiasm is off putting and I'm certainly EXTREMELY sorry that something so private becomes so public. (irony of blog notwithstanding). Good lord don't you think I wish I could be all serenely excited. "Yep, we are almost 4 months and we are making tons of plans."

We aren't.
We are looking at open houses but we aren't buying because I think "Well, if they are born early and disabled, we may need the money for special care." Or I think, "there's no point buying so many bedrooms because if one dies, depending on the gender of the other, maybe they'll share a room."

WTF? No shit WTF.

Do I think every day that this was a big fucking mistake? Yes. Yes I do.
But it's here and we will get through it.

But I flailed.
I was put on the spot by the most innocent question in the world and I panicked. And reacted terribly.

And prior to this woman asking, I hadn't thought about how to answer questions publicly. I mean LOGICALLY you just answer, what's the big deal right? But I guess if I say yes I am, people respond enthusiastically and get all buoyant and happy for me and want to be kind and ask follow up things like due dates, do I know what it is, do I have children, and it's ... awful. It's makes me seriously panic. Because in my house, I'm simply 14 weeks along. No even "pregnant" I don't use the word. There are no babies. Babies are things that live and breathe. 14 weeks olds are tissue with potential. Until it's a baby it's just, not a baby for me.

"I had a miscarriage between my pregnancies. I was... x. ...weeks." subtext: Why are you not getting over this?
Because it's different. Because one miscarriage isn't that same as being told that your body cannot carry children. Because for every week I get past my three miscarriages, I get a week closer to delivering a child that may die. Because it would be EASIER to lose a fetus or an unviable child then to feel contractions one night and have a ... kitten.. the size of a 2 lb barbell and have it die in a ICU. Because it's not a "chance" that could happen, it's more of a likelihood. The "chance" is that it doesn't.

"How was the surgery?"
I feel like I have a tampon stuck in side me and if I do pick up something heavy, I twinge.
I feel nauseous every time I ... poop... because your ...poop.... rubs against the cervix from the inside and it's like one long pap smear.

"Oh but , I mean, you're fine right?"
Well, if you mean are they still alive? Yes.
Am I fine? Yes.
And if I lived somewhere with landmines and didn't step on one Tuesday, would Wednesday would still suck? Yes.  So am I "fine". Yes. Do I think every day that I am a ticking bomb? Yes. Is that comfortable? Not At All.

But back to my disgusting display of incivility.


When "friend" was miffed... I... saw...red. And not only did I bite her head off but two hours later I emailed her. Detailing that I knew I was rude, and I was sorry. But the reality was, I'm pissed at her for something else entirely. I was actually tired of her being constantly affronted. That given a choice, she also could have been gracious. That through the year plus I've known her, our relationship has been characterized by her reacting to slights, real or perceived, and that our pattern was that I always had to assuage her. Not that she had issues with me, per se, but overall that she's reacted to many situations where she saw herself as well intentioned and constantly being... not abused, but something similar.  I think I finished it that I liked her but I was bullshit because I'm tired of her always assuming that it's about her, that someone has slighted her whatever - and that in this case, I just was fed up.

Oh yeh. I'm mad.
Kind of like the boy that cried wolf. I was wrong, yes, THIS TIME, but really, when I saw that fucking moue, those pursed lips and the shoulder shimmy and the "Well I never" ala Ginger on Gilligan's Island, I just, I have no idea, lost my mind.

She, of course, is quitting playgroup, said I never wanted to be her friend to begin with and said that I wasn't emailing as a friend, I just wanted to get the last word. Also that she wanted to be excited for me so her intent was good. That it was my problem.

And you know what? She was totally. TOTALLY right.
It is SO my problem.


So what was this really about?
Oh shit, it's about me being mad at her ... for being mad at me.

It's about me tired of witnessing bad behavior and excusing it away and ending up in the middle of situations where I don't even LIKE half the people around me.

It's about me - ANGRY that I saw the signs of dysfunction - in both of us - and again, excused them away, because I thought that it was "just me" and then I danced the SAME fucking dance I always dance.

I saw something in her I didn't like. The way she always felt slighted. About 10 to 15 of us met all at once. Of all of us, no one else has really cemented with her. When asked why, universally, people will say "Well, she's nice but she drives me nuts. It's all about her, all the time." And I was like - I disagree. She's actually engaging, funny, smart, motivated and as a huge heart. But she's an Aries and they are the infant and that's the way it goes for them. The "I" is prominent. So they, our friends, stayed away. And I, I liked her, and we talked about this thing - this her feeling slighted frequently. I saw it. I thought it was annoying. I disliked it. But overall, I saw potential in HER. In our possible future. I thought once she got over not feeling liked - she'd see she WAS liked and she'd... chill, I guess. Instead she used her anger to propel her forward. She immersed herself in fitness, in a career, in volunteering... and she's doing fantastic. She looks good, she feels great, but it's kind of... tinged with a fuck you attitude. Kind of a "You didn't like me, your loss" to which I'm kind of like "Um, people did like you but you kind of drove them away so why are YOU so mad"

Blah blah blah.
The point is, I suck.
Flash forward to present day.

The pissy "I just won't ask" tipped me OVER the fucking edge and the subsequent "Your loss" email sealed the deal. I replied - hours later after careful thought, weighing the risks, and realizing that the phone would perpetuate dysfunction - in ten paragraphs or less that I actually liked a million things about her but yeh, I was really REALLY mad at her.


The two people who know about it assure me I was wrong.
I was.

I suppose the flipside is, the other white meat, the real irony is...that I counted too much on being friends. I assumed that we were secure enough that I could say "You need to fucking STOP with this bullshit and the narcissism. It's killing you, and it's killing me." Because to my real friends (ok, to my sister and to Heather and maybe to Cindy if need be and definately Chrissy) I could say "Listen up hon', I think you are being an ass here."

So I'm off her rotation.
And maybe that is for the best.
Because at my age I'm still STILL confused about it.
Are you supposed to ONLY be friendly to people you like?
What happens to give people a chance?