The Test is Came Back Positive

Despite my best intentions, I find it hard to stay upbeat.
Not positive, but buoyant.

I'm ... in a word... frustrated.
It's the weather. The waiting all winter for the sun to shine through, the skies being blue, the ground clearing... and the sense of not being able to go forward.

Really, I know.
Could I whine a bit more.

Daily I don't walk around glum. I'm not wailing, bemoaning, kvetching. But I'm... sad.
I mean I'm lost for another word.

It's not depression, it's feeling somewhat stagnant.
I miss exercising, I miss feeling strong, confident.
 I dislike having to stop and question whether every action will have a  reaction. Am I sitting too long, have I lifted too much, have I walked too far? Is not doing laundry a sign of taking care? Of apathy? Of lethargy?

I'm...mad
I'm mad at myself for a million things. If I had known more long ago, I would have seen a different doctor. I would have had laser removal not a cone biopsy, I would have...oh, I have no idea. I would have taken better care.

I'm...dissapointed.
We were on the cusp of all things good. My daughter is awesome, fun, chatty, motivated. We were waiting for spring, waiting to play. She climbs, swings, sings. I had visions of the park, the beach. I had dreams for us that included minor league baseball games, jaunts to my friends private cove, fantasies of playdates and a farm themed birthday party. Singalongs, petting zoos. New England in all it's spring glory - with a million ways to entertain a curious child.

I'm ... lucky.
I'm lucky I don't work. I';m lucky I'm motivated. I'm likely I'm interested in things - and that there is always something to explore and yet...

I am...stuck.
I'm stuck in this vast waiting land. Expecting.
Expecting.
Waiting.
And I'm...mad again.

Mad that I can't just continue being while I wait.
Mad that we can't enjoy what may be the last months of our time together.
I'm mad that I'm going to sacrifice her time, my time, our dreams for another dream...
one that it's hard not to regret.

Later. If they are born. Healthy, maybe in a year I'll say "It was worth it". That this was a good idea.

But in the middle of it, at the beginning of it, when all you can see is what you lose every day, what you could lose forever vs what you may gain in what seems like the far far off future, it's hard to stay... positive.