Feeling (Not So) Fresh

I walked out of a play date angry.
Furious in fact.
Wrongly, but yet, rightly.

My daughter lately has been a joy.
Crazily...
insanely...
Easy.

And because of where I am (read: angry/judgmental/ungovernable temper), I just don't have the patience lately to feel...kind...towards other peoples children.

I blamed Ellie.
Called the mom, apologized etc. Said I felt bad if my walking out put her at a disadvantage with her own child.
If it caused stress.

I really didn't mean it.
I mean, I really DID mean that I felt bad for leaving.
But i'm not super upset about the fact that her CHILD might be upset.
Except, again, as it causes more work for the mom.
Maybe because I am singularly intolerant lately of kids that just need a good fucking smack. Metaphorical, reality smack.

So that's where I am today.

I watched Ellie get tackled twice over a toy, and I watched the mom "discussing" it.
"Oh look, there's TWO. One for each."
Diffusing, redirecting, placating.
Doing everything but yanking her child from the room and sitting her in a time out.

"Kids will be kids"
"There's always something"
Really?

And yet, it's not my kid doing the grabbing.
For two plus years - and good lord it's hard to let go of - the same couple of kids have been grabbers. Then when my child cries, the issue is with mine.
Oh she's SUCH a crier.
She needs to toughen up.
She needs to learn how to share.
She starts it too.

Roll your eyes at her again.
Please.
Because I've watched you roll your eyes and I am just...waiting...for the moment to say "Perhaps if you child stopped grabbing things and throwing histrionic, hissy on the floor screaming tantrums, that I watch you give into and excuse away DAILY ("She's tired. She's hungry. She's growing") we wouldn't have these issues.

The other day Ellie said to me "Can I go play with S*****. I won't fight with her. I hope she doesn't get mad at me."

Great. So I have a kid who is sitting here in the car telling me up front that she knows that we are going over to play with someone who the only way to get along with is giving her what she wants so she won't throw a fit.

Terrific.
How's my little people pleaser?

Add to that we have a zero tolerance policy here.
There isn't any "Oh she's a kid".
There are consequences.
You act up, we leave.
You fight, we leave.
You take something from someone, immediate to the stairs for you.
You cry over something because you are in a temper, you get sent into a time out.
The deal is you have to tell me IN WORDS, not tears what the issue is.

So...after El walking up to me 2 times at this play date and telling me she didn't like getting hit by *friend*, then telling me she was scared of *friend*, THEN seeing friend actually tackle her and hit her...
I got pissed.

And I said something shitty to other friends.
Not there but after.
And that I do feel bad about.
Because it's unfair.

And yet...
I don't know.

Part of goes back to accountability. I see people sitting there "discussing" shit with their kids past the point where it needs to be discussed. Rather then leave, they sit and debate. Cajole. Discuss. 15 minutes of gymnastics class last week was dedicated to one little boy who just couldn't deal. It HAPPENS. It's ok. But for fucks sake, when he's punching you in the stomach? When you've given him choice after choice, caution after caution, you are at three warnings? Drag him the fuck OUT. He obviously isn't going to make the choice. So YOU make it.
Be the parent.
Parent.

The true purpose of a time out is to go sit and think and calm down. THEN discuss. It's not banishment. It's "calm down"

So I'm sitting her listening to what sounds like mothers just...abdicating. Too tired to do the work, tired of fighting. Giving in with the mantra "You have to pick and choose". I'm feel like screaming: "You don't want to have the ugly conversations, you dont want to fight so you give in. Oh sure, you yell. But there's no 'Sit in the fucking corner until I tell you to move' It's scream at her but give in anyway."

Perfect.

I'm sick of it. I'm the bad guy every fucking day with my kid and she's a goddamn pleasure. I never have trouble with her. She hugs strangers, she acts civil, she eats politely. We don't sit there day after day with tantrums over boots, dolls, sharing, eating. Hungry? Here's food. You don't eat it. it goes in the sink.
That'll be the fucking DAY I sit there and argue with you to eat.
Go hungry.
Zero tolereance.

I'm totally comfortable with it.
Because I have zero, and I mean zero tolerance for disrespect and undisciplined children. AT ANY AGE. I know there are limits to what they are capable of. And I hold them to that standard only. Not higher, but high.

I'm trying my best to raise my child to be respectful, to not grab.
And I'm sorry she cries when she's she thinks the universe is being unfair.
But for her, that's kind of the reality. It IS unfair to grab.

I know her limits, her limitations. I freely admit that she doesn't really have the coping skills to react to strife. But honestly, I can't change that. She's not being raised in a house where people are fighting, and pretty much our days are designed around her. I'm pregnant, soon to be incapacitated, and I'm sitting a lot. That means books, and playing, and lots of attention. I treat her fairly, and respectfully, all the time. She's USED to it.

Spoiled? Sigh. I don't know.
She doesn't act it.
But she's SHOCKED, and I mean shocked when people aren't reasonable and behaving.
It's how we roll.
It's the preschool I picked.
It's our tone with each other.
It's unlikely she's going to get inured to unfairness and bullying.
Because she's three.
And by five, your kids shenanigans will need to have stopped. So I've got two more years to fight this fight and I'm not about to let go of thinking that kids need to be held to a higher standard.
Sorry.
If only we were shittier to her but alas.
When Ellie doesn't like something, I've taught her to put out two hands and say "No thank you" To yell back "That's not ok" But frankly, it doesn't work if your child hasn't learned to respect when another child says no.

So I'm bullshit.
I'm tired and mad because I feel like an asshole and a fool.
I snapped at Ellie when I wanted to scream at my friend.

And to be honest, I'm mad mostly because I want to say to my friend "Listen, if you aren't going to really change your daughter's behavior, then let mine have a stab at it. Let them fight it out. LET one child knock the fuck out of the other or alternately, let your kid go and run off with the toy because ultimately mine WILL remember and ignore her after, and your kid will learn the real way, the hard way, through shame and being ostracized by her friends, that she behaved badly"

I know we can't fight their fights, nor do I want to.
And this isn't so much about my judging as tired of being judged by someone who lives in an extremely shiny glass house.

If I thought for a minute she was fine with me, with my child, maybe I'd be less angry, less sad, less disappointed today. But it's hard to be fair, to see reasonably, when someone is judging your child based on their own child's behavior.