Eeyore Wasn't the Only Donkey

Of course it's not ALL gloom and doom.
I just woke up today uncomfortable.
All night last night my stomach was hard.
So I woke up... not feeling great.

And it's not exactly going away.

Thus the moodiness.

After 3 days inside, blue skies, 3 friends joining "my gym" where I worked out alone for 6 months and now they'll go together...
after missing 2 birthday parties,
after waking up more sore then the day before,
I felt... discouraged.


It feels as if...
someone opened a tiny parasol from a mai tei in my... well, there. Inside.
as if I have something stuck.
It's a tugging.
a sense of invasion.
There's a small pulling sensation.
And it hurts a little, later in the afternoon.
It hurt so much at 3pm today that I cried before getting out of the car, then I didn't cry on the couch but Ellie brought me her binky anyway. She said I'd feel better.
It was her blue one, her favorite.

Which I hate.
Because she hardly ever - ever sees me cry.
But it hurt today. Physically.
On a scale of 1-10? A one. A two at most.
On a scale of wanting to feel interference in your vagina after surgery? On the panic spectrum? A six.

But it wasn't a bad day.

I never talk about Ellie.
I talk around her, I refer to her but I don't...discourse on her.
But she's... just... so.... great.

She really is funny, and charming, and articulate and a good little happy girl.
She's easy, good christ, she's easy and thank god for it.
It's hysterical.
I smile at her a million times and I hug her ten more.
So I may wax on here, in this environs about whats wrong, but don't assume for a moment that during the  day, I don't see what's right.

Tomorrow is a new day.
I doubt that I'll be less afraid, and I'm starting to differentiate between tired, and anxious, but maybe I can devise a plan. Something that feels forward, even positive. something more uplifting then waiting.

And not something chore related.
But something fun.
Something rewarding.
Like talking to my cousin and looking at pictures from Maine last summer.
Or depositing the $60 "refund" we got yesterday, for what we don't know.
Or cutting out ears for a bunny craft for Ellie and I to do to decorate the front door.

Maybe it's putting together the marketing materials for the preschool.
Or finding a way to clean the office upstairs sans movement.
Maybe I'll find more books by the author I like at the library.
Or maybe I'll recycle something away.Because I love purging.
Whatever it is, tomorrow is another day and 5 days of feeling bad, frankly, is 5 days worth of enough.